The Battle of Beaver Falls

Until this week this is what I knew about Beaver Falls Pennsylvania.  It is where Joe Namath came from.  He was a hottie, then he became a drunkie, and now he is an oldie, but humans worshiped him for a time, so he’s OK with me.  And it was the place that I mistakenly believed our ovaries went when they were removed.

But all of that can be forgotten because Beaver Falls is the city where the governors are thinking about banning dogs from a stretch of downtown to make it  more appealing for the human shopper.    The stretch of road is called Seventh Avenue where officials are trying to create a Seventh Avenue Pup Out.

The human behind this dog ban is City Manager Steve Johnson.  According to the least qualified manager west of Bobby Valentine dogs “as big a ponies” are leashed to parking meters creating a nuisance and startling the elderly.  Now maybe he is right.  Maybe there is something in the water in Beaver Falls that creates huge dogs.   The water certainly didn’t do anything for the Fallen Beavers.  Maybe they have a 300 pound Yorkie tied up outside a 7-11 whose fierce barking is scaring old folks but I think we would have heard about that by now.  When we walk around our neighborhood the elderly love to see us, and, when big dogs walk around, I see our neighbors greet them with big smiles too.  Maybe the problem isn’t the dogs tied to the parking meters.  Maybe it’s the fact that there are parking meters.  These pony sized dogs are only trying to help.  They are leashing themselves to parking meters trying ot pull them out of the cement.  Free parking goes a long way to attracting customers.

One city councilman blamed humans that don’t clean up after their dogs as the reason for the ban.  I agree.  Humans who don’t clean up after their dogs are a pet peeve of mine and I should know because I am a pet.  It is disgusting, unless the dog is well fed, then it is a tempting treat.  But I still have issue with the statement because it was made by John “Chuckie” Kirkland and any grown man named Chuckie who is not a rapper or a third base coach should not be listened to.

Dog lovers and Beaver lovers in the town have stood up against the the oppressive regime.  They say what is keeping shoppers out of the Seventh Avenue shopping district are drug dealers and prostitutes.  Like gambling in Casablanca prostitutes in Beaver Falls is shocking!  Shocking!

Those wonderful people who are fighting the rodent city fathers to allow us pups to shop have reminded the ruling elite that places like Fifth Avenue in New York allow dogs.  But that doesn’t mean anything to Manager Johnson and Councilman Chuckie.  So you won’t be seeing this on Seventh Avenue in Beaver Falls.


You will be seeing this instead.
The good news is, if you step in vick on Fifth Avenue in Beaver Falls you will know it's human.