Dear Geordie: I am sad to admit that the recent March storms may be partially my fault. My good friends Max and Baron have not experienced snow during two winters with their parents. I have desperately tried to change this by seeding clouds with water and cold then spinning them towards Max and Baron’s Maryland home. The result has been no snow for them and 1100 feet of snow for everyone else Thankfully, on Wednesday they got their snow, and I can stop seeding clouds. Mission accomplished.
Dear Aunt Foley: Is there any purpose to St Patrick’s Day except our parents making us dress up? Ruby the Airedale.
Dear Ruby: St Patrick’s Day is a phony holiday because our parents still have to work and there is no big meal where people drop food on the ground that we get to eat. But our parents do like to dress us up, like on Halloween, or St Valentine’s Day, two other holidays where our parents do not get a day off. At least we likely get to treats on those days. On St Patrick’s Day, we get bupkis except for role reversal. Our parents throw up and pee on the floor, and we have to clean it. Out of all the phony holidays St. Patrick’s Day is on the bottom of my list. (Then again, my breed does hail from Yorkshire which may make me a wee bit bias.)
Dear Aunt Foley: A landscaper was supposed to come to our house and do work. He has said he would be here several times and has not appeared. Why are humans so unreliable? Sabrina.
Dear Sabrina: Your Mommy needs to ask anyone she hires to do work at her house one important question. Do you own a dog? If the answer is no, then don’t hire them because people who own dogs are much more reliable than people who do not. Dog owners have to feed us and take us out on a regular schedule, so they are much better with time and obligations. Also having a dog makes a person more likable. Your Mom needs to put a sign on the door that says Non-dog owners need not apply.
Dear Aunt Foley: We found a gopher turtle in our yard. Is it dangerous? Tashi, Tiara, and Trixie.
Dear Tashi, Tiara, and Trixie: Normally I would say the turtle is harmless. But recently stupid humans have started to feed puppies to turtles. You don’t have to worry about the turtle, but stupid humans are a greater threat. There is no reason to be afraid of flying on a plane, especially if you are like me and have your own wings, but there is a reason to be afraid humans are either going to kill you or send you to North Korea by accident. I think non-pet owners should have to wear a tattoo on their foreheads with a dog with an X through it, so we know they are a danger and, if we don’t see the tattoo, we will know we are safe.