Foley Represents River in a Training School Admittance Scandal

Of all the legal trouble my parents, sisters, and I have got into in the past the events of the last week were possibly the worst.

Ironically I had nothing to do with it. The infraction occurred in the weeks following my departure to the Bridge.  I can understand my parents' lack of judgment because they were devastated by my passing and not thinking clearly.

The events in question took place in early July 2014.  River Song had just joined our family, and my parents loved her immediately.  They wanted the best for her. And this included the best training.

My parents hoped to get her into the prestigious Petco training program.  But they were concerned. Was River smart enough? They had seen her PAWS scores.  They were at best average. She did not have any of the extracurricular activities that trainers like to see.  My parents were faced with the fact that River may have to be home trained. Pocket was home trained. They knew first hand the devastating effects of home training.

Knowing it might be an exercise in futility they still picked up an application from Petco. That was when they made their horrible mistake.  They decided to embellish.
They claimed that River had champion bloodlines, that she was a hunting dog, and she had agility ribbons.  They had someone come to the house to administer the PAWS test. The proctor helped her with the answers.

The trainers at Petco were overwhelmed by her qualifications and admitted her into their six-week training class.  And that is where this tail of shame should have ended.

Several years later the hound dogs at the Bridge got a complaint from a dog who was bumped from the class by River.  The investigators sniffed around and quickly determined that River's application had been fabricated.

That is why I appeared before a dog jury.  I was representing my family for doing something that I knew was indefensible.

Humans may think that dog court is nothing to worry about.  I felt the same way 15 years ago when I was brought up on charges of being a kitty tease.  I was sentenced to three days of knee displacement. The limping was bothersome, but the worried looks in my parent's eyes were worse. I never committed another crime.

Obviously, I needed a fall guy.  I stated that River was too dumb to pull this off.  Her PAWS scores supported this claim. She was an innocent dupe.

But who to blame?  I couldn't blame my mom because that was considered a felony in dog law.  They were more flexibility with dads especially those in two-parent homes.

So I blamed everything on my dad.  I said he was a vain and competitive man who was determined to turn this innocent dupe of a dog and into some grand champion. I said he was devastated after losing a beautiful, unique, smart, funny, charming dog like me and hoped to recreate what he had lost in this dumb little short-nosed dog  The jury deliberated for half an hour. Luckily, they found River innocent. 

 Unfortunately, they found my father guilty and sentenced him to 3 days of gas, bloating chest pain, and shortness of breath.  He was also placed on 2-year probation. If he falsified anymore dog related application, he would receive a 6-month sentence of shingles.  

I knew my dad would be happy going through a few days of gas and discomfort to keep River out of trouble. But no one in my family was spared this judgment. Three days of suffering from Daddy farts was cruel and unusual in the extremist.

I did enjoy wearing my lawyer cap once again.  If any of you are summoned to dog court give me a bark.  I have competitive rates for friends and family.