I got stuck on prayer duty this week. This is when you hear people's prayers, and you respond to them. Recently I had been placed on prayer duty probation because supposedly I gave bad advice. Some bit player on a TV show was worried about getting not getting a raise. I told him to get some publicity. Stage a robbery. Blame Trump supporters. What could go wrong? Apparently a lot.
This week I was put back on prayer duty. I was warned it was on a trial basis — no more bad advice.
I do like helping people. Luckily I'm in the right profession. But I can't stand stupid people with stupid problems.
The first few prayers I got were simple. Prayers for a successful operation, a date to the big dance, someone to make a free throw. The next one I received started with “I am worried about my dog.” Perfect. Right up my alley.
“My dog gets upset when my boyfriend and I have sex.” Not up to my alley. Maybe five alleys over in the gutter. “If we kiss on the couch he jumps between us. If we get in bed, he climbs in too. If I shut the bedroom door, he cries and throws himself against it. I need guidance.”
Lady, you got a lot of problems.
I decided I needed to visit her in her dreams to help her.
I slipped into her sweaty, dirty, horny dreams and told her I was a prayer answering angel. She repeated the substance of her prayer request. I suggested she place the dog in his crate in another room. She informed me she didn't have a crate. People, in the words of the Marquis de Sade, “if you want to have sex it's best to have a locked cage nearby.”
I acknowledged crate training would take time and apparently mama needed it now. I suggested her paramour bring his dog so her pup would have a companion. She told me he didn't have a dog. Why did she want to hook up with a non-dog person? I deduced if she were pursuing a long-term relationship she would have found someone with similar interests like dogs. It became apparent to me that she was bedding down some random strange with no commitments attached. I told her I needed to talk to the dog to find out why he was interrupting her random woopie.
I didn't have to go far. He was happily curled up at the end of the bed. I went into his dreams and broke the news that his mom was a ho. Having lived with her for three years, this wasn't news. I asked him why he interfered with her carnal activities
“I always think the man is attacking her. She sounds like she's in distress. I know what happy sounds like. It's the noise she makes when we play ball.”
I told him if she made that noise at the park she would be banned to preserve the innocence of the children.
“Plus, after she has sex she makes me sleep in the wet spot,” he said.
I told him that most dogs like me don't have to worry about this because their parents had given up and got a dog. Unfortunately, his mom didn't understand she wasn't doing better than getting love from a good dog
After a night of going back and forth between their dreams, we reached a compromise. Every time she wanted to have sex, she would give him a chew. All pet parents know if they were being attacked and if the assailant gave the dog something meaty to chew on before the assault it was 50/50 if the dog would save the parent or just keep chewing.
I told them this would bring them closer together. Even though they were in adjoining rooms, they would both be licking a bone at the same time.
Hopefully, by ending this rift, I will be off probation. If not I'm going back into her dreams and telling her the claim she got assaulted by a man wearing a MAGA hat. There's a lot of random strange in prison and no dogs to interfere in your nightly naughty.
Are you a trip hazard? Have your parents ever tripped over you? How often? Did anyone get injured
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