The Ruby Rose Report: Midnight Zooms

 

Ruby filled out another report this week. Here is your copy.

I need a schedule. I like when I get up at the same time every morning, lay on the heat grate in the kitchen until I warm, get some cereal and watermelon while my parents eat,  then eat myself, and lay around until supper time. A few hours later, we went back to bed. I lay at the end of the bed, then slowly crawl up to get rubs and scratches, and once satisfied, I chew on a bone, then jump on the floor, run out of the room, and zoom around the house for the next two hours. It's midnight, and I let everything hang out.

But what good is zooming if you zoom alone? I must get someone out of bed to witness and participate in the zooming. First, I go to Mommy's side of the bed and scratch. I know she's not getting out of bed. But it's polite not to ask. She told me to ask Daddy, so I got to his side of the bed, looked up with my most "Starving Olived hoping for food" face, and scratched until he broke. It usually takes seven seconds.


My parents like to keep the house cold, and I wait long enough for it to creep into the house before I begin to zoom. When he gets him into the living room, I will find a toy, and drop it, Dogease, for "throw this for me." He does; sometimes, I run after it, reconsider, and choose another.

He begins by sitting in a chair, but I drop the toy on the floor, so he ends up kneeling on the cold floor, reliving that high school nightmare of playing goalie in his underwear.

While zooming, I stop by the kitchen window and begin to bark. I don't see anything, but there might be something there, and it needs to know I am the baby boss.

Occasionally I lie down to take stock of the situation and measure my energy level, which means a lot more zooming if it's not at zero.

Finally, I am tired and ready for bed. Daddy puts me on it and goes right to a sleeping Mommy. I stand on her breast, which wakes her up. I want her to know she is in good health before sleep. Her doctor told her, after a mammogram, that there was no finding, just claw marks.

Finally, near 2:00 AM, I fall asleep, then six hours later, the alarm goes off.

I stuck my head out from under the covers, where unwashed humans have been lying for hours, and I inhaled all the terrible smells dogs loved when the alarm sounded less than six hours after I went to bed.

And each morning, I ask myself why these people can't let me sleep.