The Ruby Rose Report: The Flying Alligator

 

This week I saw something strange while on my walk. 

While I lived in Florida, I was warned of alligators that would snap me up like Skittles. I was glad to come north to get away from those things. But, I encountered something stranger and potentially more terrifying.

I saw it and stopped in my tracks, thinking it was an alligator, except this one stood on two long skinny legs that did not seem capable of supporting its plump body. The thing had a long, thin, gross neck and, at the end of that, a bird head with a sharp beak. It was an alligator, for sure.

I had no idea what an alligator was, except that it lives outside, looks weird, and smells terrible, and I must have found the actual article. 

Then it did something most unexpected. It spread its wings and made a horrible squawking sound.

I did not know alligators had wings, and I would have to email my Florida siblings. This changed the avoid-alligator tactics completely.

I stood and growled at the flying alligator because that was all my tools. Before we became alive, when we were getting the tools we would need when we were born, I skipped the sharp teeth line completely and took two helpings of cute. I realized my mistake. The only good that would do when confronted with a flying alligator was to bite it. All I could do was luck cute, so the alligator went "AWWWW" before devouring me.

"Don't get upset," my dad told me, calmly looking at the flying alligator like a dope. "It's just a turkey."

Great: Now he was disparaging the dog and man-eater. One thing I learned about alligators is they are sensitive. My only hope was that it would attack my dad first, and he could kick at it for long enough for me to escape, but I had no hope this was true because he is a the curl-up-and-die kind of guy. 

The alligator spread its wings and took off, flying to the north, where there must be better prey than a ten-pound dog and a guy carrying around a body of spoiled me. 

We were lucky this time, but I am keeping my eyes open for an attack and barking at anything near me.

Alligators have long memories and hate being called a turkey.