The Ruby Rose Report: The Birthday Free Pass

• My third birthday was a couple of weeks ago. My mom asked me what I wanted and I thought hard, but I had everything I wanted, so I told her to surprise me.
• On my birthday morning, I was given liver pate with a candle. The liver was off, but the candle tasted good.
• Then, I got my gift. It came in an envelope, which I opened with my teeth. Inside was a card that read “Free pass.”
• When I asked what it was she told me that it allowed me to do one thing wrong, and I would be forgiven for it. “You just have to decide what that is,” she said.
• This was exciting. I could run out the door and explore the neighborhood without consequence, but I quickly dismissed that idea because it was too hot, I hate the neighbors, and I have a Griffon sense of direction which means I can’t find my tail, even on the map.
• I could pee on the floor. How liberating would that be? But it is hard to pee on the floor without wet paws being the result, and I don’t like wet paws. Also, it is a bit rude to pee on a floor just for fun, and I eat off the floor, I don’t like eating near the rest room never mind where a puddle of piss was just removed.
• I could poop right in the middle of the living room. How grand would that be? But, when I do poop I am embarrassed and try to hide the evidence in my mouth which triggers my panic swallow reflex, so we should drop the whole thing.
• I could dig up some plants, but they are pretty, the work arduous, and I would damage my nails.
• I could stand at the window and bark, which I did, but I have done it so often that my parents don’t hear it anymore. That would be a waste of a free pass. 
• I could chew up a pillow. But it would be work, and I like to lie on pillows.
• Or shoes! But they taste like feet.
• I could eat their supper! But I am short and stout. I can’t get up on the counter or table. I could eat on one of the floor, but that is mine anyway. 
• By the end of the day I had failed and handed back to my Mom who told me to keep it, although she knew I wouldn’t need it, because I was the best little girl around, and never did anything wrong.
• Her saying that made my heart full of love, and it was the best birthday gift I could get.