Gather around my children, I am going to tell you the story. I know you all want to hear it again. Yes the one about your Great, Great, Grandmother Foley and the daring raid the Tanner Brigade made on the Castle in Cyberland the night that Tanner went to Rainbow Bridge.
No, she’s not really your grandmother. Because she was neutered that’s why. Trust me, you don’t want to know what that is, but you will soon enough.
You see the Tanner Brigade were a bunch of rebels, most tossed out of the Kingdom, others working as double agents. The Kingdom’s rulers were evil. They banished Tanner to die alone in the woods. But he brought us all together, even though he was weak and tired.
All the members of the Tanner Brigade met in the woods just outside the Castle as Tanner was traveling to the bridge. We can still only use their code names, because the evil Princess sees all, like the eye of Sauron, but with a stigmatism: They were The General, Willie, Bubsy, Sage, Harley, Rocky. Rennat Redux, Butch, Trevor, and so many others this old mind can’t keep track.
Now do you want to know the truth? It wasn’t Foley’s idea to raid the castle that night. That came from a very wise dog that we will call R.M. Foley wasn’t sure about that idea. She was very wise, but the castle scared her. And they did not have anyway in.
Then the puppy seals spoke up. No, they weren’t seals, they were dogs trained by their leader Supersonic. They volunteered to swim across the moat and drop the drawbridge so the raiders could enter the castle.
The Tanner Brigade waited in the woods, and then they saw the drawbridge come down and got the paws up from the seals. “Go, go, go!” Foley yelled and the Brigade poured back into the kingdom. “Are you going too?” Pocket asked Foley and Foley said, “I think I should wait here.”
Pocket got in her face. “You can’t send dogs into battle and not go with them!” she said, Foley lay in the grass and began picking dirt from her paws. “You have to go Foley, you’re the leader, you can’t let them get caught.” “Oh, all right,” Foley said. “But you’re coming with me Pocket, if I get thrown to the wolves you’re going first.”
Foley ran into the castle, moving quickly, afraid she would get caught. She was asked her name and she said The General and they welcomed her. She moved about the walls stunned, because everywhere there were either pictures of Tanner Bub or the dogs that looked exactly like him.
She went to the wall where the pictures of the newest members were and she saw they were all of Tanner. She looked at the walls where dogs wrote messages and they were about Tanner too, and many of the dogs that had left the messages looked just like our Bub.
Then she could hear the shrieking coming from the top of the castle as Princess saw pictures everywhere of the dog she banished and she sent out her evil troops to find our brave pups as they scurried over the walls and across the drawbridge back to the darkness of the woods.
But Foley was spending so much time reading the tributes to her friend that she did not leave in time despite Pocket’s desperately trying to pull on her ears. They turned to leave and there were two of the Princess’ dogs looking down on them and both Yorkies got down covering their eyes with their paws.
They were waiting to be bit, to be dismembered, or worse, when suddenly there was a tiny white blur and the Princess’ dogs were knocked down and then both Pocket and Foley were picked up by the scruffs of their neck in tiny little teeth and they were whisked over the moat into the safety of the woods.
They landed gently and then Foley looked up at the tuxedo-clad dog that had saved them and she asked who he was and he said: “The name is Bond. Teddy Bond.” Foley asked him if she could get him anything for saving them and he asked for a bowl of water, shaken not stirred.
They made their way back to their camp but were stunned to see what was there: The whiniest, most self-pitying, self-hating, annoying, harassing, mean, immature, self-involved, obsequies, officious, oh my God not him agent Princess had and he was sitting in the middle of the camp saying the most hateful things about Tanner and his brigade.
All the dogs said leave, go, no one wants you here. But he stayed there barking, and growling, and hissing, and oh my God the whining, and soon the Tanner Brigade looked like it would be split up forever when Foley made a very big decision.
Like General Washington slipping away from Brooklyn Heights in the fog Foley and the Tanner Brigade slipped away to the depths of cyberspace where they could control who joins their brigade and never be bothered by Princess again, leaving her agent to sit alone in camp whining to the trees.
So where did the Tanner Brigade go? Well no one will say for sure. But legend is this is where you can find them:
“Wherever there's a guy beatin' a dog
Wherever a hungry newborn puppy cries
Where there's a fight 'gainst the puppy mills and dog stores in the mall
Look for me Pup I'll be there
Wherever there's doggy lookin' for a lap to lie
Or decent home or not to be tied
Wherever puppy's strugglin' to be free
Look in their eyes pup’s you'll see me”