Foley's Tails From Rainbow Bridge: The Ninety Year Old Baby Daddy

 

Mr. Pickles was born between the wars, 1933 to be exact, and, given the ravages of nature, his life may have been cut short because he was barely a pound and had many predators. Still, he was strong-willed and survived many years in the pond, where he was picked up by a cheloniologist and taken from the only home he ever knew to the Houston Zoo.  

Honestly, Mr. Pickles’ world was so small, keeping himself to a small section of the pond and neighboring bank, he didn’t notice the difference. But, one of the older tortoises, Red, thought it was an outrage to be kept in captivity. He told Mr. Pickles he was only kept there to make new tortoises; if he could, they would return him to the pond. The world has little use for celibate reptiles.  

So, Mr. Pickles began a long life of ignoring the females. It was difficult for him, and he would wake up and see several unshelled females basking on a rock. They did send a young man’s mind reeling. 

It was noted, after several years, that Mr. Pickles had not reproduced. They began to test him. They locked him in a small room and showed her excerpts from Field and Stream and some racy nature videos. They measured his Response and found nothing wrong with him. So, they concluded Mr. Pickles was gay.

That was fine with him, except she was sent to live in a bathhouse with other reptiles who only came out of their shells for boys. He didn’t mind, but they stayed up all night partying.

The zoo keeper noticed his unhappiness and returned him to Gen Pop. 

Two years later, Penelope moved into the exhibit and struck Mr. Pickles like no female ever had. She moved so slowly and seductively that she tempted him like no other. She could shake a shell. Still, he abstained until he was caught humping a rock. His captors decided he was ready and placed him in an enclosure with several females. He did not react until Peonolpe was selected as his cellmate. 

After almost a century, Mr. Pickles could no longer hold off his most base instincts and made his move on Penelope. It took him six months to get there and another month to do the deed. Remarkably, the interaction resulted in little eggs, which hatched last week.

Mr. Pickles is thrilled to have a family but has refused to copulate again.

At least not for another 100 years.