Saturday, December 14, 2013

Pocket's Poo vs River's Bone

River:  I like to spend the early evening curled up on Mommy’s nap, but, when it is Mommy’s snack time, I wake up like a shot, looking to play my favorite game, eat the treat out of the bone.  A month ago Daddy brought me home a white bone filled with yummy meat.  Once I ate that Daddy replaced the yummy meat with even yummier Natural Balance meat rolls. I would chew the bone, lick the meat, and have a very satisfactory evening’s entertainment.  Sometimes while I am trying to eat the meat from the bone I knock the bone to the ground and it lands with a satisfactory smack.

Pocket:  I don’t have a lot of interest in what games River plays.  While she is playing I climb on Mommy’s lap and settle.  I don’t like the vibe River gives off when she is playing with the bone, it is excitement, or desperation, like stumbling into a slot machine parlor filled with the elderly wasting their security payments. I can ignore that.  But then, from nowhere, comes the loud, disruptive noise that sounds like a gunshot: Strong enough to knock down the walls.  I have no idea of the origin of the noise.

River:  It’s the bone hitting the floor.

Pocket:  If only I knew what the sound was I could deal with it but it comes out of nowhere.  

River:  You are watching me.  I lick the bone.  I lick it off the couch.  It hits the ground.  It goes bam!

Pocket:  I don’t know where it comes from and then the sound turns my bowels to water.

River:  Everything turns your bowels to water:  Loud noises, yelling, human emotion, loud barking, big dogs, unexpected moths, smoke alarm beeps, tea boiling, different food, Sons of Anarchy, Ted Cruz, the Wankel Rotary Engine, your shadow, cats, ducklings…..I could go on.

Pocket’s and River’s Mom:  While River loved her bone, when she dropped it Pocket became so scared her bowels turned to water, usually inside, so something had to change.

River:  So we decided to find another home for Pocket.

Pocket’s and River’s Mom:  No, we got rid of the bone.

River:  Rats.

Pocket:  I don’t know why but now River has a Kong.  Actually two of them.  She’s double Kongged.

River:  Kongs suck.  First I have a small petite kong.  That is not something to brag about. No one got points in the locker room by announcing that he has a petite kong.  I am able to eat my meat out of my kong but having done this I am afraid if t becomes public I would never be able to adopt.  I also have what is called a Kong Genius.  It is called a Kong Genius because it is impossible to eat anything out of the Kong and it was genius for that company to separate parents from their money on a treat toy you can’t get treat from.

Pocket:  I don’t know why but ever since River got that Kong I don’t hear the big crashing sound that upsets my bowels anymore.  I sure am happy that noise is gone.

River:  At the end of the night Daddy needs to take, a sonic screw driver to get the remaining kibble out of the Kong Genius.  I do enjoy eating it but it is not as much fun as getting it myself.

Pocket:  All I know is life has been better since we got rid of that bone.

River:  I miss my damn bone.  


  1. Oh needs to get sissy River a nice QUIET bone....wrapped in bubble wrap or spongy stuff so it don't go boom. BUTT then River's bowels would get plugged up. OK...not such a good idea. Back to da drawing board..

  2. River that is quite a sacrifice but one you should feel proud of. Nothing worse than a the sound of thundering bones to little ears.
    Have a serene Sunday and partake of some big easy today.
    Best wishes Molly

  3. Baaahahahaha! I laughed out loud for real!! You are so funny!