Monday Question

You know when you don’t sneeze, but blow snot all over your human?

Do you have a name for that?

Ruby answer: It’s a snozzle

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

A man comes home from working at a pickle factory and he seems troubled. His wife asks him what's wrong and the man says, "Oh, nothing. I just... well... recently I've had an uncontrollable urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer."

His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: "Why? You need to go see someone. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow."

The man protests, "No, no. It's fine. Really. I'm not going to do it."

Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he's pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, "What's the matter? You look terrible!"

The husband tells her, "Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

The wife gasps, "You did? What happened?"

The man starts to cry. "I got fired!"

"I don't care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?"

The man sobs, "She got fired, too."

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

Poetry Thursday

  

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to Enjoy

J

Jack and jill

Went up a hill

For the thrill

Of living in a grist mill

Jill asked aloud what was grist

And he silenced her with a kiss

Saying he bought it for a tryst

In this he did persist

But he wanted to live on high

In a mill that touched the sky

Because he worked at the neighborhood fish fry

And his guilt would not allow him to witness another fish die

Jack and Jill lived on a hill for many a season

Coming down was nothing he would listen to reason

But the government began to commit climate treason

And it rained look when it was supposed to be freezing

The water began to rise

And Jack woke up Jill with his cries

That the fish would be the reason he dies

Overcome with carp and baked into a fish pie

Jill thought jack was just a fright

It was too late when she worried he was right

And that night 

The fish destroyed b mill using all their might

Scientists are warning the oceans are rising

But it is the fish doing the conspiraing

To get revenge on man by galvanizing 

And letting men be the one who look appetizin

H

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

The one where Monica loses a contest because she doesn't know what Chandler does for a living and they switch apartments

Monday Question

 If you turned into a human what would you miss the most about being an animal, and like the most about being a human

Ruby’s answer: If I were human I would enjoy controlling the food, but if I were no longer a pet I would miss being adored. 

Ruby's Sunday Funnies

 

An Irish Catholic daughter runs away from her Dublin home at 18. Five years later she returns home and knocks on her father's door. He answered and before he let her in he asked her what she had done the last five years. She said she was ashamed to say it, but she had supported herself by being a prostitute. Her father told her she was not allowed in the home. She had been raised a good Catholic girl and turned to filth, shaming her family for generations. Crying she said she understood, but she wanted to leave him a car given to her by a husband whose marriage she had ruined, a check for $10,000 from hush money paid by a married businessman, and another for $20,000 left over money she was given to get an abortion. Confused her father asked how she got all that money simply by converting. She told him he misunderstood, she was a prostitute, a shameful whore and her father said: “A prostitute? I thought you said a Protestant. Thank God! I thought you had shamed us but you are only a hooker. Come inside and kiss your mother with your whorevmouth. A prostitute, what a relief,”

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”