Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.

*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak

*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines

*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the do

*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"

GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."

The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"

GOD said, "In a minute."    

Friday fillings on Saturday, which is actually early Sunday morning.

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in black

• The older I get, the more beautiful I get. What, did you think it was going to be something else? Have you met me? I am gorgeous. 
• I frequent a kitty dive bar called Minxes. It is just beyond the fence, located in a tipped-over barrel. It's where I sit and drink catnip for two dollars a shot. There are two tabby cats there who seem to be fighting over the same tomcat every day. I heard one of them plan to claw the other one's eyes out. I mind my own business. There's the sound of two tabbies going at it like rats in a sock from up the stairs. While from another locked room,  a cat moans low. It's not the kind of place we talk about. But at the end of a busy day, it's where I like to relax until the cockfight is done. I also like sitting on my mommy's lap
• Back in my day, we had a thing called COVID. Everyone was sick, and they wore masks. None of the stores were open. The schools were all closed. Everyone was tense. I could not get a grooming appointment. In some ways, it was long ago, but to me, it is like yesterday.
• I  am glad that the gas prices are so high and the world is in such a terrible state, with violence everywhere and a war on in these last few weeks of summer. Because our parents will stay home and cuddle with us, which is where they should be. Like back in the old days of COVID. Did I ever tell you about COVID? Well, pull up a chair and I will tell you a tale and share a shot of catnip with you.

Poetry Thursday

   

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to enjoy

 Jimmy Meerkat got out of school early and was anxious to join his pack

But when he got home Jimmy saw a jackal named Jack

Going at it with his mother in the sack

And was taken aback 

Jimmy immediately said he had to tell his dad

But his mother said that would make her mad

And makw his dad sad

And Jack said “you are married? Egad”.

 

Jimmy had been raised to tell the truth

And be the perfect youth

But he didn’t want to be a blabbermouth

And rip apart his family like the Lincolns and John Wilkes Booth

 The weight of the truth brought Jimmy down

And his dad wanted to know why the frown

And Jimmy decided to stop fooling around

You tell his father his mom was the new queen of  Ho town.

Before Jimmy could speak, his mother entered the room. 

She asked him to come outside and her face was red as she did fume.

When away from his father, she told him. “I carried you in my womb..

And I will sweep you out of here like dust from  my broom.”

Back with his dad he heard him ask what was for dinner and was told bug cake. 

Timmy had an epiphany that hit him like an earthquake

.He looked at his mother with an expression like a sly rake 

and said, I think from now on, we should all eat steak

Jimmy grew up that day as he saw his mom's face crack. 

He had gained the upper hand, and they were never going back.

 Soon he had steak for dinner, a car, a TV anda stereo system to play his new Euphoria soundtrack.

And from that day forward, his mother did not get jack.

.

Wordless Wednesday

Beat This Captian

His life-long obsession with Quidditch left Larry with an embarrassing rash and a mis-diagnosis of Puppy Chlymedia

Monday Question

 How do you take water? Tap, pitcher filter, bottled, water cooler or toilet?

I usually get it from a pitcher filter and sometimes tap

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"  

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".

The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says,

"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town

town

A schoolgirl approaches her mother and announces, "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

"And where is that?" her mother asks.

"Well, Mommy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mommy puts it in her mouth and that's how you get babies," she explains.

"Oh darling, that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies," her mother replies, "That's how we get flowers, jewelry, clothes and shoes.”