Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

Friday Fill In

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in blue

I tend to forget where my pee pad is. Or I should say, I tend to “forget”  where my pee pad is. Does forget and not care mean the same thing?

I spend my 4th of July trying to fart near an open propane flame so I can send up a spark, turn to the people, and say, now there is a firework Ya humps.

I was a fan of bestiality before it became popular.

I see a suspension from Blogger in my future.

Poetry Thursday

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to enjoy

After a long day at work, George went home to rest

He had given his job his best

Playing fetch, zooming, and running with his dad had made him stressed

His work was playing, and his dad put him to the test

George was finally falling to sleep.

When he heard the sound of the keys from the Jeep.

And George arose from his bed with promises to keep

Dad sat in the car, hitting the horn, going beep beep beep.

George and Dad returned from a six-hour ride. 

What george really wanted was someplace to hide. 

He thought he could have cried

 When his dad shouted, "Let's play frisbee outside.”

When they got back home, a nap was what George was wishing

But his dad said, "Let us do some midnight fishing." 

When George was nodding off on the riverbank, his dad did some playful splashing and splishing.

And George was angry when he laid down in the wet spot because he had not noticed his dad pissing.

When they got home, it was almost dawn, 

And hs dad said there was no reason to get up this close to morn

Then with a big yawn, 

he told George that a breakfast was what they had to put on

And now the kids were awake. 

Running too and fro like an earthquake

Giving George a cluster headache

And making him wonder how much more he could take.

Finally, George lay down for a nap, 

 then he woke up with his mouth agap

His dad had gone to work behind George’s back, 

and now he was all alone. What is up with that?

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Bob was shocked to see what his daughter Maxine was doing on the internet for Temptations

Monday Question

 With Americas 250th upon us and the World Cup on going I wanted to learn more about your parents. What countries did their ancestors live before coming to the USA and are they rooting for these countries in the World Cup?

My Mom’s family came from Ireland and Portugal. My Dad’s from England and Portugal. Mom is not interested in soccer. Daddy is rooting for England and the US.

Ruby’s Sunday funnies

There's a boat sinking out at sea with men, women and children on it, along with a minister, a rabbi, and a priest.
The minister said, "Oh my god, will somebody think of the children."

The rabbi said, "f ck the children."

The priest said, "Do we have time?"

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

A couple had been married for 35 years and were also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would grant each of them one wish.

The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I am." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.