Ruby's Sunday Funnies

 

Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see some

tracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The

second one said "I think they are cow tracks". The third one

said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?

They all got hit by a train

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Ole came home from work one day and found Lena sitting on the edge of the bed, naked. He asked her, "Lena, why are you sitting there without any clothes on?" And Lena said, "I don't have no clothes to wear." Ole said, "Don't be silly-you got lots of clothes." And he went over to the closet, flung open the door, and said, "Lena, look-here's a blue dress, here's yellow dress, here's Sven, here's a flowered dress …"

Fill-in The Blanks and Talk Like a Pirate Day

Today, two of the most important events in Blogville will combine. It is the friendly fill-in-the-blanks day sponsored by 15andmeowing four-legged furballs.and it is Talk Like a Pirate Day. I, Ruby Rose, will fill in the blanks as if I were a pirate. My fill-ins are underlined. 

 I have been seeing a lot of booty. As my role as a pirate captain, I inspect all booty that comes on my ship. I love inspecting booty. It's a fun word. Say it with me, booty. Now bend over. I need to inspect your booty, because I am Ruby Rose, the Pirate King, and the Booty inspector. 

 Plundering, pillaging, stealing, looting are good ways to raise extra money .Personally, I'm going to be concentrating less on the plundering and more on the pillaging. I feel my talent is more to the pillaging, less to the plundering. 

 I think the 1790’s was the decade with the best pirating. That was the year I had the MPGA hats made up—Make Pirating Great Again. We had quite a run until we stole all the money, and no one had any more money to steal. I buried it in the backyard somewhere; danmed if I remember where. 

 Lately I've been avoiding the British Royal Navy. They have no sense of humor about pirating. And also the fake news media, because when you're a pirate, you can't afford bad press.

Thankful Thursday

While the two spoiled cats continue to suffer from internet issues, I am shifting gears, joining my great friend Angel Brian in his Thankful Thursday blog hop. And what am I thankful for? At times, and especially when she's leaving the house or going a long distance, Mommy has to use a wheelchair. I would rather she didn't, but since she does, whenever she uses it, I'm on her lap, and Daddy pushes us. When he does I feel like a Queen. I roll through the hallway, look at my subjects and bark at them. Everyone knows me and likes to see me: their furry Dalek Queen. I hope my mommy isn't in a wheelchair forever. She is for now, and when life handed her lemons, I made lemonade.

Wordless

 

Beat This Caption

 

C'mon, your sister is obviously into it. Now just lie down in the street, let me climb on top of you, and we can make a new meaning to the term four-way intersection.

Monday Question

 Do you have a special spot in your house? If so, where is it and what's in it?

I have a mat in front of the TV with my puzzle toy, my snuffle mat, and a bed. Then behind that is the crate that I sometimes use when I wanna hide out.

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

 

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees.
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
“You’ve given me one too many” I said
“That one is a freebie.”

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"