Ruby's Sunday Funnies

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” “I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes," the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh.. equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.

Friendly Fill Ins

 

It is time for Fill 'em Fridays brought to you by my friends, the Two Spoiled Cats and the pack at fifteen and meowing. They provide a short statement in black text. The rest is for me to fill in, which is written in blue.

I am glad I live near my pee pads. Otherwise, it would be inconvenient: I'm sitting around watching TV, suddenly I have to pee, and I realize I have to go down the street to use my pad. I have to tip the pee pad attendant because you know how they are and then I walk home, and as soon as I take off my galoshes, I have to pee again.

I am glad I don't live near Iran. It's noisy over there. Things keep blowing up. There are sporadic fireworks, and people yell “gun” all the time. It's terrible. I can't believe I was suckered into buying a timeshare on a beach there. As soon as I find it, I am out of Tehran for good.

I didn't know I had an eighth nipple until five days ago. I thought I was a seven-nipple girl. Sure, I wasn't even. I had to wear my girdle a little higher on one side. But that was okay. The other day, I thought I had tracked down a mosquito bite on me. When I looked at it, I discovered the new nipple. You don't know the joy of finding a hidden nipple. And now I have eight, which is almost the most you can have. Two more nipples to go, and I'm a full nipple girl.

Your blog posts make me truly laugh. They also make me sad sometimes. But my favorites are the ones that make me hungry. Pictures of food. List of ingredients. Beautiful descriptions of the sizzling beef. And on Saturday comes cooking with chocolate day.  More pictures of food, please.

Wordless

 

Beat This Caption

 

But Mummy, I really believed you. You said there was a treat in here. You snatched me and put me in the bathtub. I feel so betrayed. I don't know if I can ever trust another. You have another cookie? We'll give it a shot tomorrow.

Monday Question

 Who is the first to wake up in your family each morning?

Ruby’s Answer- One of my parents wakes up first and I usually follow, then sit on the love seat and bark at everything I see until the other parent awakens. I am rarely the first to wake up

Ruby's Sunday Funnies

 

Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see some

tracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The

second one said "I think they are cow tracks". The third one

said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?

They all got hit by a train

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Ole came home from work one day and found Lena sitting on the edge of the bed, naked. He asked her, "Lena, why are you sitting there without any clothes on?" And Lena said, "I don't have no clothes to wear." Ole said, "Don't be silly-you got lots of clothes." And he went over to the closet, flung open the door, and said, "Lena, look-here's a blue dress, here's yellow dress, here's Sven, here's a flowered dress …"

Fill-in The Blanks and Talk Like a Pirate Day

Today, two of the most important events in Blogville will combine. It is the friendly fill-in-the-blanks day sponsored by 15andmeowing four-legged furballs.and it is Talk Like a Pirate Day. I, Ruby Rose, will fill in the blanks as if I were a pirate. My fill-ins are underlined. 

 I have been seeing a lot of booty. As my role as a pirate captain, I inspect all booty that comes on my ship. I love inspecting booty. It's a fun word. Say it with me, booty. Now bend over. I need to inspect your booty, because I am Ruby Rose, the Pirate King, and the Booty inspector. 

 Plundering, pillaging, stealing, looting are good ways to raise extra money .Personally, I'm going to be concentrating less on the plundering and more on the pillaging. I feel my talent is more to the pillaging, less to the plundering. 

 I think the 1790’s was the decade with the best pirating. That was the year I had the MPGA hats made up—Make Pirating Great Again. We had quite a run until we stole all the money, and no one had any more money to steal. I buried it in the backyard somewhere; danmed if I remember where. 

 Lately I've been avoiding the British Royal Navy. They have no sense of humor about pirating. And also the fake news media, because when you're a pirate, you can't afford bad press.