Sunday Funnies

 

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst

 

 One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt."

The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship.

In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.

The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.

He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."

The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.

About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership.

Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.

Friday fill ins

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in capitals

I don’t have THE RIGHT TO VOTE but I admire those who do BECAUSE THEIR POOR DECISIONS HAVE LEAD TO PEOPLE SHUTTING THEIR BLINDS, LOCKING THEIR DOORS AND SNUGGLING WITH THEIR PETS.

Lately I can’t get enough KIBBLE. I NEVER KNOW WHEN MY PARENTS WILL FEED ME AGAIN. I KNOW WHERE THE FOOD IS BUT NOT HOW TO GET TO IT. THAT IS WHY DOGS ARE SO HAPPY TO EAT. I WISH MY PARENTS WOULD GIVE ME A LIFETIME OF FOOD ALL AT ONCE. IT WOULD CUT OUT A LOT OF STRESS.

GETTING A CASE OF THE RUNS scared me away from EATING GOOSE POOP ON MY WALKS.

WATCHING MY PARENTS PANIC WHEN I GOT A CASE OF THE GOOSE RUNS AND FRANTICALLY ARGUE ABOUT WHAT TO DO forced me to learn HOW TO LAY ON THE BACK OF THE COUCH AND RELAX UNTIL THEY WEAR THEMSELVES OUT.

Poetry Thursday

 

My friends Angel Sammys and Teddys Pawetatonhave provided the picture below to inspire our poetry

Mommy! Brudder punched me in the tummy

Why is he such a big dummy

I slapped him in his tiny salami

Mommy now he’s walking funny

Mommy, Brudder stole my dolly

I named her Holly

Mommy, he fed it to Molly the Border Collie

He won’t even say he’s sorry

Mommy, Brudder pulled my hair

He made me pee in my underwear

So I pushed him out of his high chair

Mommy, if he keeps this up you should advertise for live in child car

Mommy Mommy Mommy wah wah wah

Mommy Mommy Mommy bah bah bah

Mommy Mommy Mommy sis boom bah

Mommy Mommy Mommy you’re own your own, daddy left in the car

Mommy mommy mommy during this rant

Mommy Mommy Mommy I crapped my pants

Mommy Mommy Mommy you should not have fed me eggplant

Mommy Mommy Mommy brudder laughed at me, the little sycophant

Mommy Mommy Mommy I couldn’t see where you been

Mommy Mommy Mommy I found you in the kitchen hitting the gin

Mommy Mommy Mommy why you drinking again?

Mommy Mommy Mommy is it because you wouldn’t be a mom if Daddy hadn’t bought condoms made with cheap sheepskin?

Mommy Mommy Mommy I love you

Mommy Mommy Mommy motherhood turned you into a shrew

Mommy Mommy Mommy I have had a breakthrough

Mommy Mommy Mommy if you don’t want another baby say no when Daddy wants to screw

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

We have followed the enemy back to the base, have secured the perimeter, have it surrounded and are awaiting instructions. Mouse!

Once again the kitty patrol let the enemy slip though their paws.

Monday Question

 How long do you and your parents spend on the computer on dog, cat and other pet sites?

My parents devote three hours a night to my online activities but they also are watching TV or doing other computer stuff during that time. 

But the majority of that time is devoted to me

Ruby’a Sunday Funnies

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife. 
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?" 
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers. 
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" 
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."