Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

A guy from the city decides he wants to go duck hunting. He’s out for a several days before he even catches sight of a duck. Finally, he sees the perfect duck, takes aim, and fires. The duck falls, hits a barn, and goes into a farmer’s yard. The hunter climbs over the fence and goes into the farmer’s yard to get the duck. As soon as the hunter bends over to pick up the duck, this huge farmer comes out of the house. He takes one look at the hunter and and says, “What are you doing in my yard?” The hunter points at the duck and says, “I’ve come to get the duck. It’s my duck.” The farmer says, “That’s not your duck. This is my yard. That duck fell and hit my barn.” The hunter is not about to give up the duck. He says, “That’s not your duck. I shot the duck. I've been out hunting for a couple of days. Give me a break. You know, I’m from the city.” The farmer says, “You’re from the city? Well, you don’t understand about how property works in the country, do you? This is my property. It’s my duck. But, I’m a fair guy, so I’ll give you a chance to get the duck by settling our disagreement country style.” The hunter says, “Country style?” The farmer nods, a great big smile on his face, and says, “Yeah. Country style.” The hunter frowns and asks, “How do you settle it country style?” The farmer’s smile gets even wider, and he says, “I kick you in the groin. And then you kick me in the groin. And we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever’s left standing keeps the duck.” The hunter does not like the sound of that, but he wants the duck. So he says, “Well, if that’s what I have to do.” The farmer nods and says, “I go first.” He hauls off and…WHACK. He kicks the hunter square in the groin. The hunter falls to the ground, clutching his groin and moaning in pain. After several minutes of rolling around in the dirt, the hunter manages to climb back up to his feet. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay. I guess it’s my turn.” The farmer shrugs and says, “You can have the duck

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

 

Poetry Thursday on Monday

 

  

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below. Real life made us not be able to finish our poem until today. Please to Enjoy.

 

Bob took Evelyn for his wife

And they shared a life.

Through good times, happy days, trouble and strife

They reminded people of Thelma Lou and Barney Fife

Every year they talked about going on an adventure

If at the school where he worked Bob could get tenure

But he invested in some unworthy ventures

And promised his mom we would pay for her dentures

Then the kids were born

And to the babies’ lives devotion was sworn

Adventures with kids were not the norm

And every dollar they made were earmarked for the fawns

Then it was time to pay for college

To further their childrens’ knowledge

And the only adventure was dropping the kids off up north and enjoying the foliage.

They had put adventures on hold when they hit 60 they closed that page

For their 50th anniversary their kids decided to fulfill their parents dreams

When the elderly couple learned they were going to Wally World their face did beam

When they went to the airport the family gathered at the airport, what a scene

And the parents left promising to report about everything they had seen

They went to Wally World with Mom in her bonnet

And they got in line for the drop comet

But on the way up there was a break in the grommet

And the swaying car caused them to cover one another in vomit

They kissed the pavement when they reached the ground

And neither wanted to stick around

They headed home where they were safe and sound

On their trip the desire to never leave the house is what they found

Beat This Caption

 

With inflation rising and gas prices soaring Larry was finding it harder to cover his nut

Monday Question

 What do people ask your parents after seeing you for the first time?

Ruby's Answer - thay ask what breed I am since there are not many of us around.

Ruby's Sunday Funnies

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. 

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

IHe says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up, " she replied

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.

"How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde.

"That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit

 

Friday Fill in

 

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in capitals.

I know I am having a good day when MOMMY’S BACK, KNEE , FOOT,  AND ANKLE HURT SO MUCH SHE TAKES ASPRIN, AND A PRESCRIPTION MUSCLE RELAXANT, THEN PASSES OUT WITH ME ON HER LAP WHERE I CAN GROOM MYSELF SO MUCH THAT WHEN MOMMY FINALLY WAKES UP HER LAP IS SO WET SHE THINKS SHE PEED HERSELF.

I have been told I SNORE when I am asleep. THIS INTELLIGENCE CAME FROM THE MASSACHUSETTS BIGFOOT HUNTERS ASSOCIATION WHO FOR MONTHS HEARD MY BUILDING SHAKING NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS AND THOUGHT THE WOUNDED SASQUATCH WAS CAUGHT IN A TRAP AND WAS BELLOWING IN PAIN.

A UNOPENED CAN OF DOG FOOD AND A PET UNFRIENDLY CAN OPENER  makes me feel helpless.

I have a lot of confidence in my ability TO OPEN THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ IF I CHOOSED TO DO SO BY STARING INTO THE EYES OF THOSE WHO CLOSED IT UNTIL THEY BROKE AND OPENED IT. WHAT WORKS FOR A TREAT SHALL WORK FOR A STRAIT.

Poetry Thursday

  

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below

 Since birth everyone considered simple Bob a twit

He did not know how things worked not even a bit

He was born without sense or and ounce  of wit

Bob was a man who didn’t know shit

Bob’s father was sick of his son being out of the loop

Even the dumbest person could make Bob a dupe

He was always the least intelligent in his group

So his dad sent Bob to the  school of poop

They said they could teach him the difference between Pepsi and Coca-Cola

Between a log  and a gondola

Between the President and the Ayatollah

And most importantly between shit and shinola.

The teachers realized Bob had to learn a lot

How to pay for things he just bought

And they tried to teach him the most important lesson to be taught

When to shit and when to get off the pot

Bob flunked when to come out of the rain

He flunked when to take his hand off the stove when he felt pain

He flunked not to stand in front of a moving train

In short Bob had shit for brains

Bob’s dad thought there was nothing to be done

With his slacker son

Unlike Forrest he couldn’t even run

Bob would be his dad's burden until the day darkness consumed the son

One happy day Bob’s dad realized Bob’s fate

There was only one job where Bob could pull his weight

The only job Bob would not desecrate

Was being President of the United States