Rubys Sunday Funnies

 

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, Iwasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"

"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."

"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route142" …

When young, I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us went to flight school

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Friday Fill In

 

  pWhere do farts go when freed from  their captors’ rectum is the strangest thing I have researched online. The answer is the military is keeping them in oil refineries along the Erie Canal to be used as bio weapons. You are all obsessed with AI ending the works but since the beginning of time the greatest threat  has always been the PU.

 My Wi-Fi network is called United States Strategic Command. I got access after I took a couple of freshmen kitten white house  aides for catnip. After a couple of hours they let the password fly. Now that this is publically known I would like to apologize to the owner of a Burger Mullah on South Street in Tehran. I was trying to order doordash when I hit the wrong button and blew up your place

Being the world’s most famous dogs, known for my good looks and small dog yippie vibe is both a blessing to and a curse. Sometimes I sit with all life's treasures and think how unfulfilled I am, and then think of a Iife without the treasures and I realize having them is freaking awesome. Curse hell I would happily be cursed if I could keep the treasure.

I boldly stand up to fight for my principals when life gets tough. I cuntinue to do so for 30 seconds and then I collapse and hide with my treasures. If God wanted dogs to fight tooth and nail he wouldn’t have invented the nail grinder. 

  

Poetry Thursday

The truth be told, Gladys still made Henry's heart glow.

She was no longer a young dog. They no longer spent their nights on the go.

They didn't zoom under the stars. They didn't leap through the snow

Gladys had lost the zest for life 38 litters ago.

She spends her day on the couch, sleeping away while watching old episodes of The Price Is Right.

At four she eats supper, then turns in for the night

The thought of Gladys and him living the rest of their life like this filled Henry with fright

He vowed not to let her disappear into the darkness of night without a fight.

One day, Henry suggests they go dancing.

Gladys snapped back that she was sleeping.

Henry said, "To the moon we can go howling."

Gladys replied We're too old to leave the house without dying."

Henry hated seeing her so sad

All his efforts to cheer her up made her mad

Then he remembered he was a dad.

And set out to find one of the dozens of children she had.

There were 234 in all.

And on Christmas, no one could send a card or leave a call.

When he found them, they all had their excuses not to go like they had to chase a ball.

The only one who said he would visit his mother was Saul. The runt of the litter. Almost five times too small.

Saul visited on a Monday 

He brought with him a bright bouquet 

But Gladys wouldn't look at him. Her time was invested in a muffin she found outside a cafe.

Henry waited impatiently, knowing the mother-and-child reunion was only a muffin away

Gladys finally noticed Saul and for the first time in years she smiled which was pretty beyond compare.

Saul ran and hugged her ending her despair.

And Henry realized something that he had been Unaware.

Sad moms never need anything beyond one of their children sticking their heads in and saying hello in there

JJ

Wordless Wednesday.

 

Beat This Caption

 

George let out a cry of despair as he realized he had once again forgotten his athletic athletic cup

Monday Question

 

What perfectly understandable and legitimate thing do you do that drives your parents crazy

For me, it's the barling. I sit looking over the back courtyard where everyone gathers in the early evening, and I bark at everyone and my parents sometimed really freak out about it,. And it's perfectly understandable my parents are wrong to get upset.

Ruby's Sunday Funnies

 

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But not the sergeants.”

A nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check. She reaches into her purse to pull out a pen to sign her check. To her dismay, she pulls out a rectal thermometer. In frustration, she throws her arms up and shouts, "Oh, great! Some asshole has my pen!

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."