Monday Question

 If you turned into a human what would you miss the most about being an animal, and like the most about being a human

Ruby’s answer: If I were human I would enjoy controlling the food, but if I were no longer a pet I would miss being adored. 

Ruby's Sunday Funnies

 

An Irish Catholic daughter runs away from her Dublin home at 18. Five years later she returns home and knocks on her father's door. He answered and before he let her in he asked her what she had done the last five years. She said she was ashamed to say it, but she had supported herself by being a prostitute. Her father told her she was not allowed in the home. She had been raised a good Catholic girl and turned to filth, shaming her family for generations. Crying she said she understood, but she wanted to leave him a car given to her by a husband whose marriage she had ruined, a check for $10,000 from hush money paid by a married businessman, and another for $20,000 left over money she was given to get an abortion. Confused her father asked how she got all that money simply by converting. She told him he misunderstood, she was a prostitute, a shameful whore and her father said: “A prostitute? I thought you said a Protestant. Thank God! I thought you had shamed us but you are only a hooker. Come inside and kiss your mother with your whorevmouth. A prostitute, what a relief,”

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

A Ruby Saturday Double Feature poetry Thursday and fill in friday

 

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to Enjoy

The great pirate Donald ruled the seven seas

And no one could pass through without paying a fee

If they tried they would get hung from a palm tree

Which is why so many sailors bent the knee

Donald’s men captured great treasure at his request

And he made them all give him the booty as a test

Then he would hunt with his next prey from the crows nest

His spoils locked away in his seamen’s chest

Monthly Pirate Donald would convene his staff

To praise him and the mastery of his craft

Those that refused would be set adrift in a raft

While Pirate Donald continued filling his chest with graft

Donald was asked what was in his chest and he said the best clothes

There were wings of crows and remnants of ice floes, the weapons of foes, seeds that will do nothing but grow

For the ladies there were fine panty hose, and IOUs from those who owe, writings of the finest prose, and an Emmy from the Pirate Apprentice show 

But when asked what he had from child enslaver Epstein he said of he did not know

One day Pirate Donald sailed into the setting sun

After announcing himself doing the greatest pirating ever done

He moved away slowly now weighing a half a ton

Proud that he had stolen from everyone.

Years after a treasure hunter found Pirate Donald’s booty

In a Miami bungalow only available to the snooty

And the treasure hunter said he would reveal what was inside out of a sense of duty

But first the chest needed to be sprayed for pirate cootie.           

They hoped Pirate Donald’s chest would be filled with gold

Instead they found a pile of mold

But to the Pirate Donald believers they still subscribe to the myth that they had been soldiers

But to the rest the legend of Pirate Donald was getting old    

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in capitals

COMING TO LIVE WITH MY PARENTS is the luckiest thing that ever happened to me BUT FINDING A KIBBLE WHEN THE COUCH WAS MOVED IS A CLOSE SECOND.

MAYONNAISE is the most unusual thing in my refrigerator. WHAT IS THAT CRAP FOR? YOU THINK WE EAT WEIRD THINGS? IT IS GROSS AND CAN KILL YOU IF THERE POWER FAILS ON A WARM DAY. YOU CAN'T SAY THAT ABOUT A PUDDLE OF jUNKNOWN ORIGIN WE EAT ON THE STREET.

My ABILITY TO PRETEND I CARE WHAT PARENTS ARE SAYING Is lacking, 

I have enough ATTITUDE TO MATCH A 250th AMERICA'S BIRTHDAY UFC FIGHT ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN,

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 Hey Lenny can you check to see if we have a bag of Purina Chicken Florentine and Shrimp in the back, some lady wants it for her damn bougie cat

Monday Question and Memorial Day Funnies

 What is your go to look to make your parents feel guilty? 

Ruby's answer. Lie on the floor, put head between paws, frown and sadly look up.

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”

“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet?”

I’m in a hospital ward behind some closed curtains, waiting to be discharged. I overhear a doctor talking to another patient a few beds down:

Doctor: “So what did we learn this weekend?”

Patient: “Don’t put anything up there when I’m drunk.”

Doctor: “Close, don’t put anything up there at all, even when you’re sober.”

Patient: “Don’t be stupid, doctor, why would I shove anything up there while I’m sober?”

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

Friday Fill In

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in capitals

I would be willing to pay more for A KITTY TO JUMP NAKED OUT OF MY BIRTHDAY CAKE BUT I CAN’T GET ONE TO AGREE TO DO IT FOR MONTH OLD CAT NIP AND HALF A BAG OF TEMPTATIONS.

I refuse to spend money on BOTTLED WATER, GOD CREATED WATER AND PUT IT EVERYWHERE FOR PEOPLE TO DRINK, BUYING IT IS JUST LAZY.

MY GROOMING is chaotic. I HAVE A SMALL TONGUE AND HAVE TO BEND MYSELF INTO A PRETZEL TO LICK MY OWN ASS (BUT WHEN YOU MASTER LICKING YOUR OWN ASS YOU WILL HAVE NO REASON TO EVER LEAVE THE HOUSE).

A fun fact about me is I CAN LICK MY OWN ASS. (DON’T PRETEND YOU’RE NOT IMPRESSED.”