Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Friday fill ins

 

 

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in capitals.

never want to forget WHERE I LEFT MY FAVORITE CHEW BONE, WHEN I LOST IT MOMMY TELLS ME I SHOULD WRITE DOWN WHERE I LEFT IT. I HATE DROLL PEOPLE.

I have a recurring dream THAT I AM DRINKING WATER FROM MY MOMMY’S DISH. DON’T   ME. I HAVE READ YOUR ANSWERS. SICKOS.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING MY BLOGGING FRIENDS SEARCHED FOR IN GOOGLE is the strangest thing in my computer’s search history BUT IT DID CONFIRM FOR ME THAT THE REST OF YOU ARE LYING ABOUT THE STRANGEST THING IN YOUR SEARCH HISTORY, AND I DOUBLE DOWN ON THE DESCRIPTION OF YOU AT THE END OF FILL IN TWO.

I wish I could turn my PEEING ON THE PEE PAD into a full time job BECAUSE THEN I MIGHT CARE IF I DO IT OR NOT

 I  

Poetry Thursday

   

Jonce again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below

“Tiger I don’t think you should golf today

You’ve been drinking a lot and starting to sway

Please listen to what I have to say

I doubt you’ll be able to hit the fairway

Tiger you should let me drive

If this afternoon you want to survive

And I don’t think with the clubs in your bag you will thrive

Because that’s a broom not your driver and using it you will never hit the green in five

Tiger I think I should drive the car

If you want to get far

And you always stop at every bar

And then on hole one you are nine over par

And no you can’t drive the golf cart

I know you think its the easy part

But when we needed the cart to restart

You put the chargers on your nipples trying to jumpstart

Tiger that would have been a fine drive off the first tee

And it would have impressed me

But you may need to issue an apology

Since you teed off into the clubhouse wounding three

You may want to take a drop because your ball hit a tree

I wouldn’t try to play if you were me

Looks like you just drove your wedge into your knee

No more golf today is my plea

They are asking us to leave after you threw up on the tree trunk

You’re a middle aged lush with no spunk

And I can no longer let you play you big lunk

Because friends don’t let friends golf drunk

Beat This Caption

 

Jacob was only in prison for a week when he became Gumdrop’s bitch, just had all the others

Monday Question

 

What animals that aren’t pets have you encountered?

On walks I have encountered turkeys and turkey vultures and for awhile in our old house we had a possum living in the walls. 

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

A dumb man went ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy stool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the dumb man moved further down the ice, swigged down a beer, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The dumb man, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, swigged down another beer, and tried again to cut his hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

He stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, ,"EOOOOOHAHHHHHMMMM-MMUUUUUUUUUOOOAAAAAAUUUU..."

The second whale turns to the first and says, "Frank, what the hell is wrong with you?"

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty.

Friday Fill Ins

 

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in capitals.

My favorite Easter or Passover treat is PIZZA. DON’T JUDGE. PIZZA IS ITALIAN. THE POPE IS ITALIAN, WHAT’s THAT? THE POPE IS FROM CHICAGO. I DID NOT KNOW THAT. MY FAVORITE EASTER TREAT IS DEEP DISH PIZZA.

My life would be different without GRAVITY. I WOULD JUST FLOAT ALL OVER THE PLACE, GET STUCK UNDER TREE LIMBS, HAVE TO BE RESCUED FROM THE STRATOSPHERE. IT WOULD BE A WHOLE THING.

If I could I would give an Easter basket full of POOP to RYAN GOSLING. HE KNOWS 

WHAT HE DID. AND I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE EASTER BASKET FULL OF POOP OR NO EASTER BASKET FULL OF POOP.

Is it weird THAT I SNORT WHEN I LICK MY BOTTOM? IT’S NOT THAT I AM OUT OF BREATH. I AM JUST SO HAPPY.