Ruby ‘s Sunday Funnies

 

  

man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

    

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

Friday Fill-ins

It is fill-in Friday hosted and developed by Two spoiled cats

On Halloween, I will help raise the dead to create an army so large and insurmountable that men will bow to us, and we will rule in the darkness for a thousand years. Honestly, I'll probably just nap, though.

When it comes to Halloween candy I will gladly trade my soul for more candy corn. 

If I had to wear one Halloween costume for an entire year, I would get a big blue suit, a big red tie, a big white shirt, and a big belly. And finally, my childhood dream of being a clown will be realized.

I am going to star as a dog who shows Freddy Krueger the meaning of love, gets him to stop haunting people and killing them in their sleep, and makes him start bringing them presents. It worked with Santa. It will be my first time starring in a scary movie

Poetry Thursday

 

It is time for poetry Thursday hosted by my friend one spoiled cat who provided today's pictur

Fleet afloat they did ride

Their voices cried

“Run, scatter hide.

One is coming from the other side”

There is nothing so frightening as the other side.

Who are green eyed

Misuse fluoride

And by rules don't abide.

We have heard that upon us they have spied.

We know their leaders lied.

Conquering us would be their greatest pride.

And causes to divide..

Mr Hooper has a contact on the dark side

Who said they have a machine designed 

To make all our brains fried.

And then will all be a bride

I almost took a drink from the faucet, then remembered the poisoned Fluoride.

They were the cause of the bank slide.

An economic broadside

And rumors are that they are the reason Aunt Sally died.

The hammering of a nail was loud enough to wake the bleary-eyed.

The monstrous was seen Hanging something from which we were probably expected to abide

None of us went to bed that night. We just laid awake and cried.

Until dawn when we went outside

The monster had used a hammer and pried

A slat aside

To fix inside

A sign that said vote and help decide

Wordless

Best this caption

 

Hey, put that thing back in your pants and slowly back away

Monday Question

 If you could pick out your own Halloween costume what would it be?

Ruby's Answer - a queen, preferably Elsa the snow queen

Ruby's Sunday Funnies

 

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.

After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”

“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!