Ruby's Sunday Funnies

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. 

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

IHe says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up, " she replied

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.

"How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde.

"That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit

 

Friday Fill in

 

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in capitals.

I know I am having a good day when MOMMY’S BACK, KNEE , FOOT,  AND ANKLE HURT SO MUCH SHE TAKES ASPRIN, AND A PRESCRIPTION MUSCLE RELAXANT, THEN PASSES OUT WITH ME ON HER LAP WHERE I CAN GROOM MYSELF SO MUCH THAT WHEN MOMMY FINALLY WAKES UP HER LAP IS SO WET SHE THINKS SHE PEED HERSELF.

I have been told I SNORE when I am asleep. THIS INTELLIGENCE CAME FROM THE MASSACHUSETTS BIGFOOT HUNTERS ASSOCIATION WHO FOR MONTHS HEARD MY BUILDING SHAKING NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS AND THOUGHT THE WOUNDED SASQUATCH WAS CAUGHT IN A TRAP AND WAS BELLOWING IN PAIN.

A UNOPENED CAN OF DOG FOOD AND A PET UNFRIENDLY CAN OPENER  makes me feel helpless.

I have a lot of confidence in my ability TO OPEN THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ IF I CHOOSED TO DO SO BY STARING INTO THE EYES OF THOSE WHO CLOSED IT UNTIL THEY BROKE AND OPENED IT. WHAT WORKS FOR A TREAT SHALL WORK FOR A STRAIT.

Poetry Thursday

  

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below

 Since birth everyone considered simple Bob a twit

He did not know how things worked not even a bit

He was born without sense or and ounce  of wit

Bob was a man who didn’t know shit

Bob’s father was sick of his son being out of the loop

Even the dumbest person could make Bob a dupe

He was always the least intelligent in his group

So his dad sent Bob to the  school of poop

They said they could teach him the difference between Pepsi and Coca-Cola

Between a log  and a gondola

Between the President and the Ayatollah

And most importantly between shit and shinola.

The teachers realized Bob had to learn a lot

How to pay for things he just bought

And they tried to teach him the most important lesson to be taught

When to shit and when to get off the pot

Bob flunked when to come out of the rain

He flunked when to take his hand off the stove when he felt pain

He flunked not to stand in front of a moving train

In short Bob had shit for brains

Bob’s dad thought there was nothing to be done

With his slacker son

Unlike Forrest he couldn’t even run

Bob would be his dad's burden until the day darkness consumed the son

One happy day Bob’s dad realized Bob’s fate

There was only one job where Bob could pull his weight

The only job Bob would not desecrate

Was being President of the United States 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

 When she found out her family could not afford freeze dried salmon Belle turned to Only Fans

Monday Question

 Do you have any traits that could be described as peculiar?

Ruby'Answer - Before I eat a treat I sniff it

Ruby's Sunday Funnies

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full ofgolf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully andfinally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?