Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four
worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."    

  

L

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead.

Friday Fill ins

 

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in blu

Chicken is my favorite kind of cake.

The best part of my week was getting fed pieces of spicy chicken from Chick Filet until the spices aggravated my nose, and snozzeled for two and a half minutes.

I enter a room full of strangers I find one timid old lady who I make eyes at, and then when she comes over to pat me, I snarl and bark at her, causing her to whoop in fear and back away. Then my work is done.

If I opened a restaurant, it would be called ”eat me” and would serve kibble to see how you humans like this dry ass pebbles then when you get thirsty. I will serve you a bowl of water that may or may not have been sitting out for a few days and has chunks of strange stuff floating around in it, and of which I cannot guarantee that other people have not been drinking from before you.

Poetry Thursday.

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Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to enjoy

A man built his home deep in the woods

And moved in his worldly goods

Behind it was a paved driveway

Where he parked his SUV from Chevrolet

He wanted to call his mother to brag about his home

But his phone had no bars to roam

So he paid for a telephone line to be strung for the greater good. 

Then he called up his mom and bragged that he was now 

one with the woods.

He cut down some trees that blocked his view. 

He ripped off some bark so that he could chew.

 He plowed through the grass, covering up the holes

driving away Gophers, possums, rabbits, squirrels, and moles.

He started a fire to live like the Quakers

When all was said and done, he burned a hundred acres.

He thought spraying pesticides on the overgrown vines would do the trick, 

but instead he poisoned the food supply and made the deer sick.

He decided to cut down some trees

.But he was not careful, swung too wide and cut through his femoral artery.

The man wanted to move to the woods to prove his mastery.

Instead, he ended up a deep woods fatality.

There was no one to cut back the brush. 

There was no one to change nature into his image in a rush.

 Slowly, the vines, grass, and weeds grew onto the house, 

which was now become a refuge for a family field mouse

Soon the house was covered with vegetation of green. 

The building would never again be seen. 

And as for the men, things turned out as he hoped they could, 

because his decaying body had become part of the woods.

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

Because I have butt arhritis and can’t sit on the hard floor, lady. That's why I need my own seat, and Clint if you pull on the leash one more father fricken time I swear I will scratch your eyes out with my dull claws

Monday Question

 Who cuts your nails?

My groomer has my entire life but based on your answers they are thinking of doing it themselves. Lord help me

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

  

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" 
Man: "Yes!" 
Reporter: "Name?" 
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." 
Reporter: "Sex?" 
Man: "Three to five times a week." 
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" 
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." 
Reporter: "Holy cow!" 
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." 
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" 
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." 
Reporter: "Oh dear!" 
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

A man follows a woman out of a movie theater, who has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?”

“Yes,” she replied, “I found it very unusual. He hated the book!”