Ruby Sunday Funnies

 

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

 

You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Friday Fill-ins

1.  Bringing multitudes of souls to their knees by bearing a single fang and growling softly is a useful skill I have.

2. I recharge by eating a Papa John's Big Pizza. Papa John's. Home of the Big Pizza. Any endorsement of products on this blog shall go into the account of one Ruby Rose. One Ruby Rose Lane, Ruby Rose Apartments. Now someone gets this flat tasteless disc of cheese off my plate. It displeases me.

3. My job as a dog taught me that nothing is r more important in the family than the dog

4. I wouldn't mind visiting a haunted house spooked by many politicians we have running the country. My nana used to say if they can't run a nation they'll probably do a crap job haunting the house. What we need is a bunch of incompetent ghosts. The kind when you enter their homes say “oob.”

Poetry thursday

 I got a 69 Tonka with plastic wheels

Colorful handlebars and a pillow for my balls

And when I'm riding and the wind hits my fur, I can't tell you how I feel

I'm 60 feet tall

My brother Tommy and I pulled it right out of the box

And the moment I got on her back I knew I was born to ride

As the sun goes down, I take it around the block

The sun glints off my bumper sticker, which reads, "born to ride”

I saw her about two weeks ago

Sitting on her lawn, licking her hoohaw

I slowed down and ask her if she wanted to go

But her mother pulled her inside before she could reply with a big paw.

I always slowed down in front of her house after that.

Sometimes I could see her in the window, peeking out

I had hoped to be able to have with her a chat

While her mother haunted the window, looking at me with great doubt

Tommy was unhappy that we weren't winning races

 But being the fastest on the street no longer mattered to me

I needed to get to know my little black pug girl abd all of her graces.

And then we could blow this town off and be free

I decided to take the biggest risk a dog can do on a plastic Tonka truck can do.

I would ride my bike in the rain.

Her mother wouldn't suspect me of such Deering do

But the Frenchie would. She saw me ride down the street while her mother was engaged. She burst from the house, climbed on my bike, and we took off for life of caviar and champagne

I must admit that I peddled away. My act of daring do had taken a lot out of me

I needed to rest and asked my little, Frenchy, if you would mind if we went to bed.

She stopped the bike with one paw, slapped me in the face with the other and my groin soon became overly acquainted with her knee.. I was sure the bike would get me laid. Maybe next time I'll use a horse instead.

Wordless

 

Beat This Caption

"Hey Murray, can you give me a boost? Don't be ridiculous, I'm not going to break the stool. I'm just carrying a bit more holiday weight. Just a little boost no one will know. Fine. If you don't help me I will do it myself."

Things Jim said in early autumn 2026 just before breaking the stool

Monday Question

 

If you are suddenly able to talk with your parents,do they rejoice that they can finally talk to you, or panic that all the things that they have done behind closed doors when no one was watching except for you can now be exposed?

Ruby's answer: definitely the latter.

Rubys Sunday Funnies

 

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, Iwasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"

"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."

"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route142" …

When young, I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us went to flight school

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"