Beat This Captian

His life-long obsession with Quidditch left Larry with an embarrassing rash and a mis-diagnosis of Puppy Chlymedia

Monday Question

 How do you take water? Tap, pitcher filter, bottled, water cooler or toilet?

I usually get it from a pitcher filter and sometimes tap

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"  

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".

The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says,

"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town

town

A schoolgirl approaches her mother and announces, "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

"And where is that?" her mother asks.

"Well, Mommy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mommy puts it in her mouth and that's how you get babies," she explains.

"Oh darling, that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies," her mother replies, "That's how we get flowers, jewelry, clothes and shoes.”

 

Friday Fill In

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in blue 

 1. The pizza a day subscription was money well spent because it made my parents fat and a fat lap is much better to nap on then a skinny ass one

2.  Dog training was a big waste of money. My parents didn't learn anything, and after 40 minutes of showing them how to get me to sit, and failing, the trainer crawled into a dog igloo, where she lived ten months surviving off of  spilled kibble and escaped crickets and the store refused to refund the money to my parents because it did not cover the cost of the igloo.

3. If I became famous, it would most likely be because .wait: I am not famous? That can't be true. tell Mr. Deville I am ready for my close

4. _A poodle cut I got to impress a boy who lives down the hall was the worst hairstyle I’ve or any other dog ever had

Poetry Thursday

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to enjoy

Mayor Bubbles had a dream

The corner post of his regime

To build walking and bike trails

And tear down con man Lyle Lanley’s monorail

The town agreed to rid themselves of Lyle’s wrong doing

With the monorail they had taken a royal screwing

And everyone agreed to the path

Except the trail met one citizen’s wrath

Mr Legree had in his yard a tree

That had stood since 1733

And he showed up at the town meeting wearing a suit and frown

And declared that no one would chop his tree down

The tree issue was sent to committee

And they ruled for the city

So Mr Legree went to the historical commission

That the tree was a historical landmark was their decision 

The town vowed to build the trail anyway

And would start that day

“I think the citizens of this town are smart enough to avoid a tree” Mayor Bubbles said

But his blank faced constituents filled him with dread

When it was completed, Bubbles said he would take a bikeride

First grade was the last time he tried

He rode the bike never feeling so happy and free

until he smacked headfirst into the tree.

Today the tree and monorail still stand

Because of the citizens’ demands

And the mayor’s decree

To transport the injured citizens who crashed into the gd tree

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Captìon

Damn DoorDash! When I said leave inside screen door I meant leave inside screen.  Now what the hell am I supposed to do?