Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. 

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a big man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends,”

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.

His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right?you've Been In Here For A While...

Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."

Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes.but, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"

Billy Says: "works For Ketchup.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a man asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?” The director said, “Well, we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer the person a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub.” The man nodded, “Oh, I understand! A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” The director frowned and motioned to the orderlies, “No, a normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Sunday Morning Friday Fill-ins

 

• Everybody loves me, but do not worry, I do not have a big head or anything. I have the same normal-sized head holding a big giant brain.
• When people come into my house, they realize that I peed on a pad in the bathroom and had some strong urine. Also, the pad is right next to the toilet bowlt, and sometimes there are spots on the pad that are not mine. If I ever catch the culprit peeing on my pad, they will have to pay. Five kibbles a spot or a single kilo.
• I think bitches the name for female dogs should be changed to lolipops because we are small, sweet and after a licking can keep on ticking
• Project 2025  was so bad I could not finish it. No characters, no plot, no pictures, just a bunch of gobbledygook. My gosh, if you cannot write a book, what good is it?

Poetry Thursday

 

Jane was happy when she got the job at Bird's Eye,

 but then she learned that to get to the training she would have to fly.

 Convinced that if she got on a plane she would die,

 Jane began to cry

When she could not decline

she went online

to find the safest airline, 

and when she found the right one, she felt divine.

Jane was not good at details

And thought it was cute the airline’s name was Never Fail

And she barely read the confirmation email

She got to the airport early to have fortifying cocktail

She looked towards the runway and there was a sight that caused her a fit of coughs

There was an airplane being dragged by a group of dwarfs

She asked the bartender what was happening and he said, “That's Never Fair airlines, of course.

The flight crew has to pull the plane because they forgot the horse.

Jane said she chose the airline because they never had a crash.

He told her our decision-making may have been a little rash.

They had never crashed because they never got off the ground for more than a flash

The dwarf pilot could never get airborne because he could not see over the dash.

Jane realized she had made a big mistake

To hell with the job it was an exit she had to partake

Then the flight crew entered and picked Jane up like she was a piece of cake.

And before she knew it, the flight had taken off after they released the handbrake.

After the training, Jane returned home and wrote a report.

The crew made the flight without the need to abort.

But she was still going to sue the airlines in court

Because upon landing on the runway, the dwarf pilot was a little short.

Wordless Wednesday.

 

Beat This Caption

 

And mommy got in bed and lay down like this. Then Uncle Jack  climbed on top of her. And then, hey Dad, are you listening? I cannot believe you fell asleep. I have not even got to the butt stuff yet.

Monday Question

 What is your initial response when your parents have been gone a long time? (Anything over five minutes is a long time.) 

When they open the door after being gone. I am either in a chair or on the back of the couch, surveying the grounds. I turn toward them and give them an aloof look, like I cannot quite place them. I can usually hold on for thirty seconds until I begin jumping down and attacking their legs with my paws and try to knock them over as I succumb to complete joy and a touch of revenge.

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.

A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

P

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".

"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.

The evidece clear.Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up".

"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.

"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me."

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"