Monday Question and Memorial Day Funnies

 What is your go to look to make your parents feel guilty? 

Ruby's answer. Lie on the floor, put head between paws, frown and sadly look up.

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”

“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet?”

I’m in a hospital ward behind some closed curtains, waiting to be discharged. I overhear a doctor talking to another patient a few beds down:

Doctor: “So what did we learn this weekend?”

Patient: “Don’t put anything up there when I’m drunk.”

Doctor: “Close, don’t put anything up there at all, even when you’re sober.”

Patient: “Don’t be stupid, doctor, why would I shove anything up there while I’m sober?”

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

Friday Fill In

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in capitals

I would be willing to pay more for A KITTY TO JUMP NAKED OUT OF MY BIRTHDAY CAKE BUT I CAN’T GET ONE TO AGREE TO DO IT FOR MONTH OLD CAT NIP AND HALF A BAG OF TEMPTATIONS.

I refuse to spend money on BOTTLED WATER, GOD CREATED WATER AND PUT IT EVERYWHERE FOR PEOPLE TO DRINK, BUYING IT IS JUST LAZY.

MY GROOMING is chaotic. I HAVE A SMALL TONGUE AND HAVE TO BEND MYSELF INTO A PRETZEL TO LICK MY OWN ASS (BUT WHEN YOU MASTER LICKING YOUR OWN ASS YOU WILL HAVE NO REASON TO EVER LEAVE THE HOUSE).

A fun fact about me is I CAN LICK MY OWN ASS. (DON’T PRETEND YOU’RE NOT IMPRESSED.” 

Poetry Thursday

 

  

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to Enjoy

Terry liked to read, that wasn’t any flex

He liked wizards the kind who could produce a hex

Tonight Terry was going to read something that challenged his friends’ intellects

It was a book from the high school library all about sex

Terry knew he had to read the book on the down low

Sex books were something about which moms always say no

But there were things in the book he had to know

And decided to read it using a flashlight’s glow

Anxious to read Terry said early good nights

Then reached under the covers for his flashlight

Eager to read some unknown delights

That would soon be in plain sight

But, what he read made his numb

He wished he hadn’t asked where babies come from

He would have to question his time dad asked if she were going to come

And he would have to kill his dad if he really did that to his mom

Terry’s stomach began to churn

This book was meant to burn

Why did he have a quest to learn?

If there was something strange about him was his concern

Until he could burn it Terry kept it under his bed

That morning his mom noticed Terry was acting out of his head

After he left his mother went upstairs knowing and said

what caused his behavior were questions about how he was bred

When she found the book she was not mad

Although his getting older did make her sad

He was once a sweet lad

She took the book, wrote on it “you could learn a lot from this” and gave it to Terry’s dad

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 Despite an all star cast and crackling script Good Will Duckling was a box office flop

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

A guy from the city decides he wants to go duck hunting. He’s out for a several days before he even catches sight of a duck. Finally, he sees the perfect duck, takes aim, and fires. The duck falls, hits a barn, and goes into a farmer’s yard. The hunter climbs over the fence and goes into the farmer’s yard to get the duck. As soon as the hunter bends over to pick up the duck, this huge farmer comes out of the house. He takes one look at the hunter and and says, “What are you doing in my yard?” The hunter points at the duck and says, “I’ve come to get the duck. It’s my duck.” The farmer says, “That’s not your duck. This is my yard. That duck fell and hit my barn.” The hunter is not about to give up the duck. He says, “That’s not your duck. I shot the duck. I've been out hunting for a couple of days. Give me a break. You know, I’m from the city.” The farmer says, “You’re from the city? Well, you don’t understand about how property works in the country, do you? This is my property. It’s my duck. But, I’m a fair guy, so I’ll give you a chance to get the duck by settling our disagreement country style.” The hunter says, “Country style?” The farmer nods, a great big smile on his face, and says, “Yeah. Country style.” The hunter frowns and asks, “How do you settle it country style?” The farmer’s smile gets even wider, and he says, “I kick you in the groin. And then you kick me in the groin. And we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever’s left standing keeps the duck.” The hunter does not like the sound of that, but he wants the duck. So he says, “Well, if that’s what I have to do.” The farmer nods and says, “I go first.” He hauls off and…WHACK. He kicks the hunter square in the groin. The hunter falls to the ground, clutching his groin and moaning in pain. After several minutes of rolling around in the dirt, the hunter manages to climb back up to his feet. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay. I guess it’s my turn.” The farmer shrugs and says, “You can have the duck

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

 

Poetry Thursday on Monday

 

  

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below. Real life made us not be able to finish our poem until today. Please to Enjoy.

 

Bob took Evelyn for his wife

And they shared a life.

Through good times, happy days, trouble and strife

They reminded people of Thelma Lou and Barney Fife

Every year they talked about going on an adventure

If at the school where he worked Bob could get tenure

But he invested in some unworthy ventures

And promised his mom we would pay for her dentures

Then the kids were born

And to the babies’ lives devotion was sworn

Adventures with kids were not the norm

And every dollar they made were earmarked for the fawns

Then it was time to pay for college

To further their childrens’ knowledge

And the only adventure was dropping the kids off up north and enjoying the foliage.

They had put adventures on hold when they hit 60 they closed that page

For their 50th anniversary their kids decided to fulfill their parents dreams

When the elderly couple learned they were going to Wally World their face did beam

When they went to the airport the family gathered at the airport, what a scene

And the parents left promising to report about everything they had seen

They went to Wally World with Mom in her bonnet

And they got in line for the drop comet

But on the way up there was a break in the grommet

And the swaying car caused them to cover one another in vomit

They kissed the pavement when they reached the ground

And neither wanted to stick around

They headed home where they were safe and sound

On their trip the desire to never leave the house is what they found