Featuring the exploits of Ruby Rose, Foley Monster's Tails From Rainbow Bridge, and co-starring Angels Pocket and River Song. We always try to leave you between a laugh and a tear
Wednesday, February 12, 2025
Beat This Caption
Monday, February 10, 2025
Monday Question
Do your parents ever act like a dog or cat to play with you, and do they ever bark or meow to see your reaction
Ruby's Answer: My dad will get down on all fours and play pounce with me. We both get our heads near the floor, and butts up in the air, and then I pounce and lick his face.
Sometimes he barks, but he doesn't know what he is barking about.
Sunday, February 9, 2025
Foley's Tails From Rainbow Bridge: How Tariffs Effect Dogs
It has been a hard winter, and as we enter the third year of the second Trump term, we all could all use answers.
(Pocket’s editor note: After she wrote this I informed Foley that Trump has been President for less than a month, which was quite shocking, since I am immortal and have aged five years since January 20.)
So. to help combat this stress. I, Foley T Monster has found my AsK Aunt Foley hat, and am here to answer your question to ease your minds.
So let’s open the old mailbag.
As always, these are fake letters from real dogs.
‘’How will tariffs affect dogs?’’
Professor Peabody. Bell Labs.
Dear Professor Peabody: First, let me say I am relieved that the tariffs implemented against Mexico and Canada have been removed thanks to the brilliance of President Trump, or the buffonary of President Trump, depending on which channel you watch. Humans have a difficult time with the truth. Dogs have a much easier way of finding the truth, by using our nose, although it would take days to fully sniff and judge the President. You can’t see the entire Grand Canyon in one viewing.
Anyhow, I am glad I don’t have to pay extra whenever a Canadian grease poops in my yard or a Chihuahua leaves me a pee mail.
But that still leaves China.
That is the country that every dog food company swears that they don’t get any food from, and now have to decide if they should try to hide it and take a loss, or raise the prices anyway and blames it on delays on the Panama Canal which will be another country we have a showdown with. We also are taking over the Gaza Strip. Our foreign policy is being run by an ADD afflicted kid on the spectrum and a spastic colon.
The good news is I don’t think any of our favorite foods, or treats are going up in price.
But if you love Kong toys, or others you are in a bit of trouble snce the majority of pet toys are made in China. That country can make things the American Way, overpriced and highly destructable.
On Saturday, in a local store, two parents were talking, with their dogs on their leash, when suddenly one bit then other in the nose and held of for maybe 30 seconds. The victim was a little bloody but unhurt.
Then it was noticed the dog had a Trump leash.
The attacker must have been upset about his Kong going up in price.
I am thinking tarrifs are not all their hyped up to be.
Friday, February 7, 2025
The Ruby Rose Report: The Night time is the right time for pig snouts
I read the exciting adventures my friends have, car trips, dog shows, train rides, running on the beach, dashing through the snow, or laying before a roaring fire. Meanwhile, I am either on the back of the couch, a lap, or my mat, where I chew on my toys, for about 20 minutes, before I start looking for a warm lap or a soft piece of furniture.
But, when bedtime comes, and I am put on the big bed, it is time to work off that pent up energy. I charge around tbe bed, I get scratches and rubs, I build little walls with the blankets so I can play fort, and mostly, I chew.
I have become in a year and a half a bone connoisseur.
When I arrived here, many moons and pounds ago, I would chew anything, if it was made for a dog or not, but, being a dog of great intelligence, I learned quickly what was cute and what was tragic.
All humans, when they begin drinking alcohol, but the skankiest stiff, which is made to make people want to never drink again, but never does.
We dogs start out chewing plastic bones which are tasteless, and flaky. Like cheap beer they are made to decrease the desire to chew, but dogs like me persevere.
I love my Mom she is my heart human, but if she was my bone connection I would still be chewing plastic, but, because of my mom’s lack of mobility, Dad does the shopping, which works for me doubly: One - I get to spend more time on my Mommy’s soft lap, which I have broken in to perfection; and Two -my Dad wants me to have the best bed chews, because he likes to watch me, and knows if I don’t have a bone I sit on his chest and licks him until I either get to the chocolate inside or pass o
I now consider myself a bone connoisseur and I owe it to me Dad who, like Mikey’s evil brothers from the Life commercial, gives me something to eat I don’t let them down.
I have chewed on kangaroo, collagen, and dish fish skins They must be small, but not too small so I can choke on it. They must not be too easy to chew so I don’t eat them but not too tough so I lose interest.
I have settled on pig feet, ears and snouts as my favorite. I get them for a half hour every night. I could stay all night chewing but my selfish parents want to go to sleep.
I roll around on the bed, build my forts, climb on top of Mommy for a preventive breast exam, and finally go to sleep, where I have the same dream.
I am being chased by an angry pig with no ears, feet or snout.
Thursday, February 6, 2025
Poetry Thursday
This week's inspiration from the Two Spoiled Cats
Once upon a time there were three little girls who went to the police academy
And they were each assigned duties that were not gnarly
But now they live with me in a hospice
My name is Charlie
There is Sabrina, the smartest at 102
She used to do jujitsu, karate and defeat any attacker with ease
Now it takes her four cups of coffee
Just to cut the cheese
Then there is Jill the sexy one
Every man dreamed of taking her to their place
But she was one step ahead always getting her man
Now her breasts hang down to her waist
Kelly was brave, always putting her life on the line
She escaped so many traps her lives were much more than nine
Some say her mind was slipping no longer sharp
But her confusion came from her habit of drinking four bottles of wine
They still wear their bikinis, swim suit, and short dresses
They strap on their high heels and strut down the hall
They still act like the did in their twenties
Except for when they break their hip in a high heel caused fall
They still can’t help but flirt
And use their feminine wiles
But their seduction is not appreciated
As they uncomfortably move trying to ease their piles
They were once young, brave, and strong
They got by using their wits
Now they are a constant cause of complaint
When they flash the lunch staff their tits
Wednesday, February 5, 2025
Monday, February 3, 2025
Monday Question
How do you do at eating?
Do you eat it all or do you graze?
Are you food aggressive?
Do you eat a diet food?
Do you have any food quirks?
I sometimes am picky and don't eat all my food in the morning but eat it all at night?
I am on a healthy weight food.
I am not food aggressive.
Some days I stop eating breakfast and go to my snuffle mat and start eating the hidden kibble off of it
Sunday, February 2, 2025
Foley's Tails From Rainbow Bridge: Trying to Deal With the Grounghog
One of the good things about living at Rainbow Bridge is that we can control the weather in our yards. We can change spring to summer, and then winter, just by walking down the street.
But humans have no such luck. They are stuck with whatever weather a menopausal Mother Nature delivers. Lately, she threw the entire country into a cold spell and went to the Bahamas for the week.
We angels serve people and the biggest need across the world is deliverance from tyranny but we can’t do anything about that. Everyone wanted to save Baby Jessica when she fell down the well, but four years later if she jumped again she would be on her own.
But it was possible to do something about the weather, and it would entail visiting my old friend Pawskatony Phil. ‘
It was the morning of his big day and the humans were already gathered on this frigid morning, mostly to see the groundhog, and some on a two-week outdoor drinking jag in between the Eagles’ championship and the Super Bowl.
I found Phil in his hole getting made up for his appearance by a neatly groomed rabbit. Phil was smoking a cigar and had a Manhattan in one hand. ‘’Foley, my favorite angel,’’ Phil said. ‘’What brings you to my hole?’’
I told Phil that the humans were discouraged after a long winter, wildfires, political turmoil, and the inevitable Chiefs Super Bowl; it was like we were living the same day over and over. I wish there was a name for that.
‘’It would be great if you could predict an early spring.’’
‘’Now, Foley, there are several factors that I use to determine how much longer winter will be, and I can’t let outside force influence my decision. And if I predict six more weeks of winter Club Med hooks me up with a villa in Aruba.’’
Wow, you can’t even trust the Groundhog anymore.
I tried to convince him that this would be the best for everyone but he said ‘’I could either predict an early spring and freeze my ass off with the rest of the losers out there or let you freeze your tails off while I sip margaritas on the beach.’’ He stood before me ‘’I have been cold and I have been warm, and I pick warm every time.’’
Phil went out to meet his adoring fans and made his predictable prediction.
It seems like you can’t even trust a fat, over-hyped rat.
And there are so many more of them now.
Saturday, February 1, 2025
The Ruby Rose Report: Playing Possum
I have not heard from Mrs Haversham, the cat who lives under our house, in a couple of weeks. I looked down the floor vent and barked for her, but she didn’t answer
I could still hear her roaming around down there late at night but her scent had changed, it was more musky and thick.
Also, the food my dad put under the house at night was always missing.
Someone had been there and had supper.
But, did not think it was Mrs. Haversham. The new occupant refused to answer my barks.
Who was sleeping down there?
I needed to know but couldn’t figure out how.
I went on the tablet to get inspiration but the Google search for ‘’what is under my house’’ was fruitless. I began reading my blogs when I was struck with inspiration. The camera my parents used to spy on me could do the same to the creature under the house. I found the camera on a window sill, got it in my paws, and then dropped it down the vent.
I turned on my iPad and climbed into the recliner to wait. I soon nodded off, then was awoken by the chime signaling that something had been caught on camera.
I eagerly turned it on to see the kitty and saw this.
I barked at it to leave the food alone.
‘’Why?’’ it asked. ‘’I am just a big cat.’’
‘’You’re just a big rat,’’ I answered.
‘’I resent that.’’
‘’Well, you’re not a cat.’’
‘’I identify as a cat.’’
‘’Well, I got news for you, that choose your identity stuff went out with the last administration.’’
‘’Well, I was born a possum.’’
‘’Then you are a possum.’’
‘I don’t want to be a possum. There is no upward mobility’’
‘’Well, regardless, we can’t continue to feed you cat food.’ It would be like those freaky people who live with monkeys.’’
The possum tipped over and stopped breathing.`
‘’Don’t even. Playing possum won’t work.’’
The discouraged possum stood. ‘’So, I am going to have to go back to hunting in January. I could starve to death.’’
‘’I’ll have my parents leave out some bird feed.’’
‘’Great, nuts and berries, which is hard to swallow after salmon.’’
I apologize, but we only rent gratis to kitties and they won’t use the space if a possum is there. I told him he could spend one final night there.
Now I lay awake wondering if he is okay and if the kitties will come back.
Running a halfway house for feral animals is more stressful than I thought
Friday, January 31, 2025
Poetry Thursday
This week's inspiration from the Two Spoiled Cats
Three men, two of them tall
Stood outside a horse’s stall
They needed work because they were in economic freefall
And they decided the rodeo was the place to make a windfall
The owner stood against the wall
As the three men made a pitch the hope they would enthrall
They told the man what would befall
If they were hired to do a trick everyone would recall
‘’The three of us will make a human wall
Tim and I upright on either side and upside down will be Paul
He will open his leg in a wide sprawl
And the charging horse will jump and push off Paul’s ball.’’
‘’Excuse me,’’ Paul said his face appalled
‘’I don’t think it should be me, I was born
with balls that are small
If you don’t believe me here is
my Mom’s number and you can call
Honestly, I don’t want a horse crushing
my ball, not at all’’
But the other two stuck to their guns
despite the way Paul does bawl
Ready to face whatever might befall
The horses came like they were being chased by a fireball
The first three made it but the fourth one on Paul did fall
The two men went to Paul whose pain
could be seen in his eyeballs
Tim asked if he was ok and Paul said
’I had my balls crushed by a leaping stallion,
what do you think you sloth brain neanderthal?’’
Tim said he was sorry that Paul had a pitfall
And said ‘’You need to get up, in ten minutes
we have another curtain call.’’
Since that day the prosperous trio performed
have performed until 1,000 nightfalls
And they watched their money snowball
Aided by an item Paul saw in a store in Senegal
A giant steel cup to protect his balls
Wednesday, January 29, 2025
Beat This Caption
When Tom couldn't balance on one leg he knew the police wouldn't believe he only had catnip before driving .
Monday, January 27, 2025
Monday Question
Because it is too hard to type with paws we need our parents to write for us.
Which on of your pets' voices do you think matched their personality?
Which one of your pets' voices were the most difficult to capture
Ruby's Answer: I have been told by my parents that the way they wrote Foley's voice matched her personality, with me being a close second.
Sunday, January 26, 2025
The Ruby Rose Report: When I Get a Treat
There are certain times a day, or things that occur during the day, that I should get a treat. To mavke sure I don’t miss one I have written them down.
- When I am forced out of my warm bed, and put on the cold floor to start my day.
- When my parents take medication in the morning I get a treat.
- If anyone puts anything in their mouths I should have something edible placed in my mouth.
- When my parents sit down for breakfast, and my butt has been warmed from the floor grate, I get some treats.
- After I ate breakfast I got to my snuggle mat to self-soothe myself with a treat, a reward for eating that kibble.
- After Mommy showers, she feeds the washing machine with dirty clothes. If the washing machine eats, then I eat. I get a treat.
- At lunchtime, my parents have light faire, crackers, and cheese, and I get treats. If I don’t I stand on Mommy’s chest and won’t move, If I am not eating then no one is eating.
- If I go to the kitchen window, look out, and don’t see anything, I bark for whoever is there to show themselves. To get me to stop I get a treat.
- If I go to the kitchen window I see something outside and bark at it to go to sleep I get a treat.
- If I walk into the kitchen determined to bark at something, and my parents want silence, I get a treat.
- If I follow one of my parents into the pantry or bedroom and am not quick enough to follow them out the door, so I get stuck in there, for upwards of a minute before they realize I am missing, and after freeing me I get a treat.
- When my Mom begins to make supper I get a treat.
- When my parents are eating I get treats,
- When I am eating my parents don’t get treats.
- To get in the recliner with my Mom at night I get a treat.
- When my parents have a little desert I get treats in my snuffle mat and tornado.
- When it is bedtime and my Dad is taking his pills I get a treat.
- I get a pig’s ear to chew at bedtime. It is not a treat. It'sv the severed body part of a pig who snitched on the cows. Don’t mess with the cows.
- When my half hour of ear chewing is done I get a treat.
- After that I am thirsty I get down, drink water, and stop by the snuggle mat for treats. Then I go to sleep and dream about treats,
Saturday, January 25, 2025
Foley's Tails From Rainbow Bridge: Searching for Hope
A prayer request came from seemingly nowhere. It could not be traced back to any person, animal, or even an instinct. The Power That Be assigned me, who has an excellent record of making dream wishes come true.
But this was going to be my most difficult case.
Because this prayer was only four words long
“Help me find hope.”
I assumed that Hope was a pet, so I assigned Pocket to check the missing pet prayer hotline. She found four missing animals named Hope, and we returned two cats, a parrot, and a cockapoo to their families.
I went to sleep knowing I had done the impossible again.
But. the next morning there was a prayer in my inbox. ‘’Help me find hope.’’
I asked Pocket to see if there were any people named Hope that recently went missing, but there were none.
Who was this Hope?
‘’Maybe it's not a living thing,’’ Pocket said.
I didn’t have time for Pocket’s silly theories. I needed to think so I threw Pocket’s ball for her to chase but she did not move. She must be serious. I tried to hide the annoyance in my voice when I asked how someone would want to find something that didn’t exist.
‘Emily Dickerson said hope is the thing with feathers?’’ Pocket has become very well-read since transitioning to the Immortal side.
‘’There are a billion things here with feathers. Am I supposed to visit that big chicken coup in the sky and ask if any of the chicken's names is Hope?’’ This was a dangerous proposition. Most of the chickens hold a grudge because they were killed for food and every soul at the Bridge ate them. Chickens carry a grudge and I don’t blame them. Very few chickens die from natural causes.
Pocket explained that hope lived in our minds. It is what we have when we have lost everything else. The dogs wasting away in shelters with little chance of adoption have hope, those being held against their will hope, in the worst places, from German concentration camps to the top floors of the Trade Center on 9/11 they had hoped to keep them going, even if they went into the dark.
And that is when I knew.
We were born with hope, and we cling to it as we die. It stays near us while we live in case needed.
‘’I may know how to find hope,’’ I said. ‘’But I don’t know who asked,’’ I said.
Pocket looked at me wisely and said it probably came from a dream, of someone who didn’t know what hope it but does now.
Pocket at improved a lot since becoming an angel
So my advice is, whatever hope is, hold on to it. You are given it at birth, and never lose hold of it, no matter how dark things become.
Thursday, January 23, 2025
Poetry Thursday
Timmy, Joey, Tommy and Bob
Spent all day raising hell in the neighborhood
Tearing through gardens, riding their bikes into traffic, basically up to no good
Parenting them was an impossible job
They slept late and ditched school
They stole candy and made prank callsign Bob’s bedroom,
Then they heard a giant boom
And saw four naked fat men drinking in a pool
They hurried outdoors not believing what they had seen
And Bob yelled at the fast bastards to get out of his yard
But the men paid his words regard
And said they were the boys as adults from the future in a blow up pool time machine
The boys were not sure what to believe
Tommy inquired about what their future held in store
‘’It’s great,’’ his future self said - ‘’we’ve been to jail, got divorced and each lost three toes in the war.
But now thanks to time travel we can get a reprieve.’’
‘’How are we going to get rich?’’Joey asked excitedly ‘’through bets? Or the stock market? Or predicting what will come?’’
Future Joey said they had a full-proof way to raise their income
Handing his former self money he ordered him to buy as much Bud Light as they could get.
Bob asked how they were going to get rich buying Bud Light
‘’We take it to the future where it costs ten times as much and sell it for much more’’
The boys looked at one another and said they had to go indoors
Seeing their future selves filled them with fright.
And that day was when the boys stopped fooling around and getting the best grades in school.
And Tommy’s mother slipped outside and thanked the men who were pretending to be the adult boys
To scare them straight, it had been a brilliant ploy
Suddenly in a flash they are gone, leaving only behind Bud Light cans, and she wondered if it was really a blow up time machine pool
Wednesday, January 22, 2025
Tuesday, January 21, 2025
Monday, January 20, 2025
Sunday, January 19, 2025
.Foley's Tails from Rainbow Bridge: Searching to Borrow a Lap of Kindness
Don’t let your angels fool you. While life as an angel is a lot less stressful there are things we miss. At the top of that list are our humans, and for us little dogs, what we do with them we miss the most is snuggling.
It is tragic when a human crosses the Bridge, but it is a delight to see them reunite with their beloved pets who are now angels. Being a judge, it is my job to check on the new angels to see how they are acclimating.
Sometimes I see them playing ball with their new parents, some take their human angels for walks and show them their new surroundings, and then my favorite are those that snuggle with their parents.
I am happy to see the humans and pets together but, like all beings with souls, I felt jealous. I want my parents to live a long life, but I do miss their company, and mostly their laps and their soft scratches. No pet ever feels as safe or loved as they do in that moment.
One of the reasons I am a judge is because I am an idea dog. I see a problem and I begin to think out of the box (unlike cats, who have never seen a box they didn’t want to climb into and think.) But having witnessed suffering I have become jaded. Sometimes it takes someone pure of heart and innocence to have the best ideas.
I was lamenting that all the good laps were taken when Pocket said to me it was too bad that all the humans who could not have had dogs when mortal couldn’t provide laps now know a dog’s love.
It was brilliant. I would start a service between humans who have never had a pet on their laps, and angels like me who needed to lie on a lap. I was going to call it Laps of Love until I learned it was the name of a strip joint in Syracuse.
I began a Snuggle Match and soon angels who couldn’t have dogs, and when they crossed over they left their allergies behind, were signing up to get their days filled with snuggles.
So now, when an angel needs a lap, they call a willing angel, and then they spend hours snuggling together, relaxing, and remembering better times.
We all need a lap of kindness now and then and thanks to me and Little Pocket Laps dogs are finding the hardest thing, even on the immortal side.
Peace and comfort.
Friday, January 17, 2025
The Ruby Rise Report: Covering My Ass
In life, even the most kind-hearted soul covers their ass, and I am included in that.
For me, the butt covering comes from the floor grate in the kitchen during the winter months.
When dawn breaks I am under the covers perfectly snuggled.
Then cold hands ripped me from my cocoon of warmth and pulled me into the warm air like a baby polar bear being born during a cold snap.
My parents keep the temperature low at night in the wintertime because the heat makes the room stuffy. I don’t mind. The colder my parents are, the more they need me in bed.
Immediately, the cold air hits me. I am placed on the floor. My parents get to wear footwear in the morning while I go paw commando.
Most dogs, at this point, have to go outside to do their business but when I arrived here a few weeks before my first birthday I was paper trained, and changing a dog’s bathroom habit is like changing a religion: It is difficult and at the end more trouble than it is worth.
When I arrived in July, and through the end of the summer months, my parents weren’t sure if they liked me doing my business inside the house, but when the lions arrived at night, they stole the leaves, dimmed the sun, and lowered the temperature, my parents, having for years gone out in the early morning and late at night and froze their private places off while one of my predecessors peed like an old man with a low bandwidth speed, they realized me peeing inside was a blessing.
After doing my business I go to the couch and lie on the back, which is comfortable, but it takes a while for the house to warm up, and I am stuck on high with a cold ass. As much as I hate to leave a comfortable spot I needed to warm my ass.
I get down, go into the kitchen, and sit on the grate until I have warmed my buns. My Mom complains I am blocking the heat, but this one time I don’t care what she needs. I don’t do the cold.
Sometimes I fart in the grate and it distributes my scent throughout the house.
Also, when I fart it opens me up a bit and warms my inside.
I stay there until my breakfast is ready. When it comes to a choice between heat and food I choose food but it is a tough choice.
My advice to all of you is when you have a chill you can’t beat, sit on it.
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Are you a trip hazard? Have your parents ever tripped over you? How often? Did anyone get injured
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My parents had a cookout to go to on the Fourth of July, one that I was neither invited to nor barred from. My participation was fully at...