Beat This Caption

 

Max’s Slimming Machine got off to an inauspicious start, 

Monday Question

 

Ruby’s Answer - usually not. I am not ,u h of a toy player. But extra food is always welcome

Sunday Funnies

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send three astronauts to space for 2 years.

NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.

They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.

Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.

He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match.”

Actual Notes From Doctors' Patient Charts...

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

    

 

Friday fill-ins

Gather around the sleigh , its time for Friday Fill Ins There are four statements: the first two statements are written by 15AndMeowing, and the final two are done  by  Four-Legged Furballs. Please check them out.  Here are this week's statements with my fill ins are in CAPITALS 

The easiest person on my Christmas list to buy for is THE OLD MAN IN THE WHEELCHAIR WHO GIVES ME TREATS. I AM GETTING HIM TREATS. OR, I MAY JUST EAT THEM AND ELIMINATE THE MIDDLE MAN.

The toughest one in my Christmas list to buy for is TAYLOR SWIFT. APPARENTLY SHE HAS MADE ALL THE LISTS. I MIGHT GET HER A LOG. I HEAR THE LADY RESPECTS WOOD. 

I try to spread Christmas cheer by LETTING MY MILKSHAKE BRING ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD. 

When it comes to HAVING THE EFFECT OF THREE VISITING SELF RIGHTEOUS PREACHY GHOSTS WHO COME INTO YOUR DREAMS TO CRITICIZE EVERY DECISION YOU EVER MADE, WEAR OFF BY BOXING DAY I am a bit of a Scrooge.

Poetry Thursday

 

 

My friend who is one spoiled cat gave me the picture below for the Thursday Poetry blog

Mary worked as a printer

And in a finger she got a splinter

Fearing infection and despite it being winter

She ran to the emergency room like a sprinter

II

The doctor removed the splinter and gave her assurance

That the injury would not be a regular occurance

At work the next day she made an appearance she got an email saying her visit was not covered by insurance

IIi

She was told not to worry she just needed to fill out a form.

Which quickly to ten they did transform

For the doctors the nurses the aides and the clerks anyone who on her did an act perform

Until the paperwork became a perfect storm.

IV

She asked to expedite the matter she could pay out of pocket

And was told if hospitals took cash they wouldn’t turn a profit 

And the mere suggestion pushed her further down the docket

And now needed to take the forms and fill them out in the opposite 

V

There were so many forms they began to take over her desk

Food and coffee became buried - it was grotesque 

Mary was turning zombiesque

It was far from picturesque

VI

One day Mary disappeared 

Foul play was feared

The boss ordered her desk cleared

When under a stack Mary was found the staff cheered

VII

She was unconscious and paper scarred 

They rushed her to the ER and Mary was taken by a guard

But the doctors said they would not help her - she was barred

Unless for her someone produced an insurance card

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Once again Martha had spent all day on a hot stove only to have Jake show up half in the bag

Monday Question

 Are you going to be on the family Christmas card this year and gave you or anyone in your pack been on one?

Ruby’s Answer: I have been on my family’s last three Christmas cards and will again this year. Since the beginning  of the century a dog has always been on their card.

Sunday Funnies

An eold man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.

Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."  

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill.”

Friday Fill-ins

Gather around the sleigh , its time for Friday Fill Ins There are four statements: the first two statements are written by 15AndMeowing, and the final two are done  by  Four-Legged Furballs. Please check them out.  Here are this week's statements with my fill ins are in CAPITALS 

My Christmas tree goes up IN THE MOST INCONVENIENT PLACE POSSIBLE. I GET UP LATE AT NIGHT TO PEE AND SUDDENLY THERE IS A TREE IN MY WAY. I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE JESUS WAS BORN UP A TREE. HUMANS HAVE ON THEIR WALLS WHERE HE DIED WHY NOT WHERE HE WAS BORN? BUT IT TURNS OUT HE WAS BORN IN A BARN. I GUESS I SHOULD BE HAPPY WHEN I HAVE TO PEE IN THE HOLIDAY SEASON THAT I DON’T NEED TO WALK THROUGH A BARN. HUMANS! I am thankful for THE OLD GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR IN THE LOBBY WHO ALWAYS GIVES ME PUPERONI TREATS. THERE’S A GUY SOMEBODY SHOULD ERECT A TREE FOR. I AM ALREADY SICK OF THE COLD WEATHER by the time December rolls around. I’ll be spending a lot of time FIGURING HOW I CAN DRAG THE TREE INTO THE HALLWAY, INTO THE ELEVATOR, DOWN A FLOOR AND INTO THE LOBBY TO GIVE TO THE TREAT GUY IN THE WHEELCHAIR WHO COULD USE A TREE. 

Poetry Thursday

I am thankful for my friend the one spoiled cat providing the photo the photo for Poetry Thursday

I give thanks to my friends thetwo spoiled cats for providing this week’s photo

Jax had a hard time making friends 

And thought it would be that way to the end

But in the barnyard he found someone that made him perky

Who called herself Mac and was a turkey

Ii

For Jax making friends was hard

Until he found the friendly little clucker in the yard

On the farm neither Jax or Mac had a purpose

And one another they did worship

Iii

Seeing her food uptake Jax said it looked like they were trying to fatten his friend up

Food is always noticed by a pup

And by fall Mac had grown quite plump

Carrying most of hus weight in his dump.

IV

Jax was worried about his friends intake of cholesterol.

As his size expanded before late fall

Then Mac disappeared, Jax surmised he went away

Just a short time before Thanksgiving day

V

On the fourth Thursday in November the house was busy

So much activity made him dizzy

He wandered into the dining room

And felt a sense of doom

Vi

Had the barbarians slaughtered his friend for dinner?

Was the family he loved full of sinners?

Was it time to go on the run?

Before he too came under the gun?

 Vii 

Then the door opened and Jax was happy to see Mac enter

But his friend said something that touched his nerve center

Mac exclaimed with dread

Oh my God, their eating my wife Mildred

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Oh for God Sakes. I took a dump in the tank. It’s called an upper decker. It’s funny. Well I can see you have no sense of humor. Just get out. Get out of my bathroom. I don’t care what you have to do, get out. Damn humans: Can’t live with them, can’t use the can opener without

Monday Question

We know your parents have Thanksgiving plans but what will your day be like?  

Ruby’s Answer:  My parents will be leaving me for only the second time since we moved. While they are gone I will take a nap and visit Foley at the Bridge where she is having a dream feast

Poetry Thursday

 

I

“There is going to be a flood,” the town folk told Juan Pierre

But he ignored them and sat on his derrière, 

But soon nature would catch him in her snare

When a heavy rain filled the air.

II

Water quickly filled his room

And so the house did not become his tomb

He escaped from the skylight the gathering gloom

Like a baby pushing out of the womb

III

Above water he could barely keep his head

And around him the current sped

When he saw a little

His friend Jack riding on a bed

IV

Univited Juan Pierre pulled himself aboard

And thanked the Lord

But then found himself with a fact he abhorred

The bed was sinking from the head board

V

Their chances of reaching high land frayed

And when Juan Pierre told Jack to get off he dismayed

”I’m not Jack and your not Rose,” Jack tried to persuade

”And before Jack got off at least Rose got him laid.”

VI 

Juan Pierre said they could take turns on the float

And when he won rock paper scissors he couldn’t not help but gloat

When Jack jumped off and grabbed the side Juan Pierre kick him in the throat 

And Juan Pierre taunted his for: “I will never let go Jack, quote unquote”

VI

When Jack stood the water was up to his knees and he wasn’t that tall

The water had receded after the sudden squall

And with glee Jack watched and with happiness he did bawl

As Juan Pierre and the bed fell towards the sewer after going over a water fall 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Even though he was only ordering breakfast Max insisted the Chief use the Cone of Science

Monday Question

 Do you like to look out the window and what is your favorite thing to see?

Ruby’s Answer: When we lived at the house it was the front kitchen window where I could look over the street but since we moved it is on the back window looking at the construction, the walking path and the putting green.

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said “meow”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"


To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A CAT DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

---------

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

---------

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

---------

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

---------

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only

---------

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.m

 But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.