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Showing posts from June, 2009

Where Mark Sanford really was

It happened so quickly the distinguished gentleman in the velour jogging suit was taken completely unaware, which is exactly how Foley had planned it. He did not think it unusual that the treeing walker hound had come out of the woods next to him, probably just a stray hunting dog. He became a little more nervous when, from the other side of the woods, a pug-pit-boxer mix joined him. They weren’t nipping at him, but they were squeezing him, as if they wanted him to trip. He yelled shoo at them, and tried to slap them, then looked up to see a Mountain Cur headed straight for him. He tried to slow down, to stop, as he was sure the large dog would run right through him, but at the last second it jumped, hitting him in the chest, and knocking him to the ground. His head hit the ground, and the wind was knocked out of him, and when he opened his eyes there was a group of dogs standing over him. “Take his feet and lift them,” one of the smaller dogs, a Yorkshire Terrier, said. The man was

My Fair Princess Part III

Pocket was sitting on the couch looking out the bay windows at nothing in particular and nervously growling at the leaves stirred by the slight breeze. I came down the stairs, looking spectacular, wearing one of Bauser’s Tanner Brigade bandanas and a beautiful bow in my hair. Pocket looked at me and groaned. “Oh what is your problem?” I asked her. “I can’t believe you are escorting Princess to Magoo’s party,” Pocket said. “Our friends will never bark at us again.” “Nonsense,” I said. “Our friends will hold us in an even higher esteem when they see how I have transformed her.” “And you can put a bill on a frog but that don’t make it quack,” Pocket said jumping off the couch and running upstairs while I wondered why Bill would want to sit on a frog. We left the house together. Princess was being taken there in her chariot, which Pocket said would go over like a fart under a blanket on a muggy July night. We saw the sinister Chihuahua sitting in her window, and we both stopped

My Fair Princess Part II

I felt Pocket’s cold nose brushing against my fur on the fourth morning of our bet. I wanted to squirm down further under the blanket. I was exhausted. I had improved somewhat on Princess’ spelling, but her attitude still left so much to be desired. I had received wonderful advice from 12, Chappy and Whiskey, and Chelsea and Ashton, to bite her in the butt whenever she got out of line, but man, did that behind taste bad. Then Whiskey told me to get a pooper scooper and use it to bite her, but I had trouble holding it, and then spent the rest of the day opening and closing the scooper part and singing Mac the Knife. “Our guest is waiting in the kitchen for you,” Pocket said. “How is she?” I asked. “She’s improved two-fold since she has come under your tutelage,” my sister said. “This morning she asked for French Tust instead of Frunch Tust.” I burrowed in deeper. “You can give up now,” Pocket said. “I can give her the French Tust to go and send her back to the castle

My Fair Princess (Part One)

Pocket and I were enjoying a nice rawhide chew and fortified water while sitting on a balcony over looking our playground as it twinkled in the twilight; when I proposed to my sister that I, a dog of great renown in training, could take any dog off the street and turn them into a refined, well trained, dog about town. ”After all, look what I have done with you Miss Poops-a-lot,” I said. Pocket, showing her new found maturity, ignored my sophomoric remark. “So, you think that I could find any dog off the street and within a month you can make them as suave and sophisticated as you?” Pocket asked. “Of course not,” I told my little sister. “I don’t think it would take me more than seven days.” Pocket took a long drink of her fortified water, put her rawhide in her mouth, and laid back looking at the darkening sky. “Would you like to make this interesting?” she asked. “How so?” I asked. “I find a dog, any dog, from anywhere, and within a week if you make them a trained, ref

Zoe Boe's pool party

By Pocket (Inspired by Zoe Boe): On Sunday mornings Foley and I like to sleep late. This Sunday, when the Monster phone rang, Foley just burrowed further under the blanket. But we are still on high alert, and I am Private Pocket, a dutiful solider, and was obligated to answer the call. I was delighted to hear it was Zoe Boe. She told me her pool was open and a bunch of our friends were going to be there. I said we’d certainly join them. I hung up the phone, went down the end of the bed, and told Foley we had somewhere to go. Well she said something you shouldn’t say during the heart of a Saturday night, never mind Sunday morning. But I kept nipping her ears, her piggy toes, and her butt, and finally she relented, climbing out of the covers. “Who called?” she asked licking her toes. “It was Zoe Boe she’s having a pool party,” I said. “A pool party?” Foley said surprised then she bipped me right in the head. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Sisters. We got our paw flops, our do

The Tanner Biigade Musical: Act III

The Tanner Brigade Act II Scene I Where Sophie and Tanner are married and say goodbye “Cover Me” sung to “Cover Me” from Rent (TANNER) Live In My House I'll Be You Shelter Just Pay Me Back With One Thousand Kisses Be My Partner And I'll Cover You Open Your Door - I'll Be Your Tenant Don't Got Much Baggage To Lay At Your Feet But Sweet Kisses I've Got To Spare I'll Be There - I'll Cover You (TANNER AND SOPHIE) I Think They Meant It When They Said You Can't Buy Love Now I Know You Can find It With pretty dogs on the world wide web All My Life I've Longed To Discover Something As True As This Is (TANNER BRIGADE) So With A Thousand Sweet Kisses I'll Cover You (SOPHIE) If You're Cold And You're Lonely You've Got One Nickel Only When You're Worn Out And Tired When Your Heart Has Expired (TANNER BRIGADE) Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thou

Tanner Brigade: Musical Act II

The Tanner Brigade: The Musical Act II Scene One Foley and Pocket learn that Tanner has been banned from DS and they petition Princess to allow him back. Princess comes down from on high to answer “ Tanner Bub ” ( sung to Rehab ) (PRINCESS) You want me to bring back Tanner but I said 'no, no, no' She broke the rules it’s very unforchunit you know know know I ain’t go the time to listen to you puppies whine You want me to let Tanner back but he must go go go I’d rather be on line with edy Cutting down doggies that we may Cause there's nothing There's nothing you can say Unless there’s money you want to pay I don’t’ have a lot of class And if you don’t like it kiss my ass You want me to bring back Tanner but I said 'no, no, no' He broke the rules it’s very unforchunit you know know know I ain’t got the time to listen to you puppies whine You want me to let Tanner back but he must go go go The man said ‘that dog said my name’ I s

The Tanner Brigade: The Musical

By Foley: I was watching the Tony’s Sunday night hosted by the multi-talented Neil Patrick Harris when I realized that most of the shows nominated for Best Musical were just retreads of old movies, Billy Elliot, Shrek, Nine to Five. It left me wondering, where are the young playwrights ready to pen the next great, original Broadway musical? And then I realized. It was the dog in the mirror, and the musical I had to write was the story of The Tanner Brigade. Opening scene: (A middle aged Yorkie (Foley) is walking on the grounds of the DS castle) Sung to Mountain Town There are lots of dogs on this site And kitties mewl in the night Oh, there are groups to join and friends to bless Just another Sunday morning on the web site DS In this land we’re ruled by a Queen Who let’s us bark as long as it’s not what we mean And it’s illegal to so much as growl You stop in to see your friend (Grouchy friend) I’m reporting you Even though their mood is low It’s another Sunday morning in my

The sinister Chihuahua and his direct to DVD Mom

By Foley: Guess who I met today? Pocket and I went outside after Mommy and Daddy got back from shopping (nothing for us) and, while I was minding my own business peeing on the lawn, the sinister Chihuahua came running up to me. Well, first of all, I do not like having my peeing interrupted especially by a rhinestone collar wearing lap dog. Secondly, it got right up in my face, not respecting my personal space at all. Daddy held our leashes tight being well aware of my peeing rules. And then, sashaying down the sidewalk towards my Dad, came the Chihuahua’s owner. Now where we live there are rules, and one of the rules is that you cannot let doggies run free. Daddy gets very upset when this happens because he worries about us tiny dogs. So what did Daddy say when he saw the Chihuahua’s Mom as she smiled and apologized? He smiled and told her that it was all right. You see the sinister Chihuahua’s Mommy, she’s in the movie industry. Well, that may be giving her too much c

Teddy Bond's bag of tricks

Foley sat behind her desk, turned away, absent-mindedly looking at a squirrel on the lawn playing with his nuts. The desk was only a few inches high, and the chair only half that, but Foley still felt very important sitting behind it. In a chair on the other side of the desk was Pocket. She was not sitting how Foley had wanted, with her butt in the seat, her forelegs hanging uselessly in front of her, her back legs hanging off the chair; but she was curled up like a dog, licking her paws, and wondering what tasty delight she had stepped in. The phone buzzed and Foley tried to reach across the desk to hit the speaker button, but her arms wouldn’t reach, and she barked out for her secretary to come in. Zoe Boe walked in and told Foley that her 3:00 was here. Foley asked her to give them a moment and then watched as his long legged girl Friday wiggled out of the room. “If you were going to gawk at our secretary you should have at least got a boy dog,” Foley said. “First of al

A final toast to Teddy E. Bond

By Foley Gather rounds the bowls pups. No Hattie, that’s not water. Don’t lick it up Matilda we need to wait a bit. That’s right Hobo that’s a martini, shaken not stirred. I have called the entire Tanner Brigade here together, on this night, to have one last toast to the great Teddy Earnest Bond. For those of you who don’t know Teddy Bond has been summoned to Rainbow Bridge by Moses and Fred. There have been rumors of dogs from the dark side trying to infiltrate the bridge and after meeting with Tanner Bub it was decided there was only one pup for the job: Bond. Ted Bond. I don’t know how many of are aware, but when Pocket and I were banished from the kingdom it was Teddy Bond who found us alone and shivering in the wilderness, who led us to a new dog park where the Tanner Brigade could unite, and it was he who rescued Pocket and I when we stormed the castle. He was one of the founders of the Tanner Brigade, striking the first tent. Ted apologizes to all his friends. He couldn

Tick in the crotch

Daddy came home today, said it was a beautiful day, and told us we were going for a quick walk at the State Mental Hospital. “Watch out for the ticks!” Mommy said. I am more worried about the moaners and the twitches but if Mommy doesn’t like ticks that’s OK too. “She means the blood sucking parasites,” Foley said. “Her kids are going to be there!” I asked excitedly. But no, she meant the little back bug that crawls on us, bites, and holds on. Mommy doesn’t like us walking anywhere there may be ticks. Mommy would prefer us to go on a walk in a scorched nuclear wasteland 20 years after the last bomb fell. Daddy assured her that we would be careful and we were off. Daddy started out carrying us on the sidewalk because he’s nervous when we walk near the road. Then we were at the entrance of the hospital, he put us down, and I did my favorite thing. I ran. I ran back and forth over the sweet green grass tickling my piggy toes. Foley ran too, like Big Papi trying to beat