Are you going to be on the family Christmas card this year and gave you or anyone in your pack been on one?
Ruby’s Answer: I have been on my family’s last three Christmas cards and will again this year. Since the beginning of the century a dog has always been on their card.
Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill.”
I am thankful for my friend the one spoiled cat providing the photo the photo for Poetry Thursday
I give thanks to my friends thetwo spoiled cats for providing this week’s photo
Jax had a hard time making friends
And thought it would be that way to the end
But in the barnyard he found someone that made him perky
Who called herself Mac and was a turkey
Ii
For Jax making friends was hard
Until he found the friendly little clucker in the yard
On the farm neither Jax or Mac had a purpose
And one another they did worship
Iii
Seeing her food uptake Jax said it looked like they were trying to fatten his friend up
Food is always noticed by a pup
And by fall Mac had grown quite plump
Carrying most of hus weight in his dump.
IV
Jax was worried about his friends intake of cholesterol.
As his size expanded before late fall
Then Mac disappeared, Jax surmised he went away
Just a short time before Thanksgiving day
V
On the fourth Thursday in November the house was busy
So much activity made him dizzy
He wandered into the dining room
And felt a sense of doom
Vi
Had the barbarians slaughtered his friend for dinner?
Was the family he loved full of sinners?
Was it time to go on the run?
Before he too came under the gun?
Vii
Then the door opened and Jax was happy to see Mac enter
But his friend said something that touched his nerve center
Mac exclaimed with dread
Oh my God, their eating my wife Mildred
Oh for God Sakes. I took a dump in the tank. It’s called an upper decker. It’s funny. Well I can see you have no sense of humor. Just get out. Get out of my bathroom. I don’t care what you have to do, get out. Damn humans: Can’t live with them, can’t use the can opener without
We know your parents have Thanksgiving plans but what will your day be like?
Ruby’s Answer: My parents will be leaving me for only the second time since we moved. While they are gone I will take a nap and visit Foley at the Bridge where she is having a dream feast
I
“There is going to be a flood,” the town folk told Juan Pierre
But he ignored them and sat on his derrière,
But soon nature would catch him in her snare
When a heavy rain filled the air.
II
Water quickly filled his room
And so the house did not become his tomb
He escaped from the skylight the gathering gloom
Like a baby pushing out of the womb
III
Above water he could barely keep his head
And around him the current sped
When he saw a little
His friend Jack riding on a bed
IV
Univited Juan Pierre pulled himself aboard
And thanked the Lord
But then found himself with a fact he abhorred
The bed was sinking from the head board
V
Their chances of reaching high land frayed
And when Juan Pierre told Jack to get off he dismayed
”I’m not Jack and your not Rose,” Jack tried to persuade
”And before Jack got off at least Rose got him laid.”
VI
Juan Pierre said they could take turns on the float
And when he won rock paper scissors he couldn’t not help but gloat
When Jack jumped off and grabbed the side Juan Pierre kick him in the throat
And Juan Pierre taunted his for: “I will never let go Jack, quote unquote”
VI
When Jack stood the water was up to his knees and he wasn’t that tall
The water had receded after the sudden squall
And with glee Jack watched and with happiness he did bawl
As Juan Pierre and the bed fell towards the sewer after going over a water fall
Even though he was only ordering breakfast Max insisted the Chief use the Cone of Science
Do you like to look out the window and what is your favorite thing to see?
Ruby’s Answer: When we lived at the house it was the front kitchen window where I could look over the street but since we moved it is on the back window looking at the construction, the walking path and the putting green.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said “meow”
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
A CAT DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
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DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
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DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
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DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
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DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only
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DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.m
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
Wake up Little Suzie, its time for Friday Fill Ins
There are four statements: the first two statements are written by 15AndMeowing, and the final two are done by Four-Legged Furballs. Please check them out.
Here are this week's statements with my fill ins are in bold.
My first celebrity crush was Lemu the Emu. The legs! The beak! The insurance savings! What’s a girl to do?
If I could make a new holiday it would be Ruby Day. The children of the world would come together, hold hands and give me treats.
The Epstein Files is the last thing on my mind these days. My mom got knocked up when she was a year and a half which even in dog years is under the age of consent, but my dad is a good guy named Donald
If my tail could talk it would say why am I wagging while the rest of me is sagging.
My friend who is one spoiled cat gave me the picture below for the Thursday Poetry blog;
Henry figured he would have a ball
Taking supplements until his muscles became big
Nothing that could be covered by a leaf of fig
But his nuts stayed small
He gave his gal Deidre a call
Who loved the way he looked
But there was one thing that had her spooked
His nuts were still small.
He looked at the supplements her had been putting in his guts
And call the 1-800 number to file a complaint
When he reached a technician he stated his lament
The muscles were great but he had tiny nuts
She excused him with a series of tuts
And said his nuts did not get smaller but were out of proportion
And then she had a notion
There was a powder he could take to plump up his nuts
Henry ordered the powder no if and or buts
And went to sleep anxious to see what the powder would do
But woke up in the dark at a quarter of two
He thought he had two large beach balls between his legs but they were his nuts
Henry could not get out of bed he was in a rut
And called 911 for some aid
Soon entered the fire brigade
Whose Captain said look at those massive nuts
To get him free they had to make the unkindest cut
And then the Brigade captain had to report
In front of a tribunal in the court
How three men were injured by runaway massive squirrel nut attacks
Other animals? Two of each kind? I don’t know nothing about that. I saw the rain, built this boat, and been floating around by myself for six months. Why do you ask?
What is the main protein in the last meal you ate?
Ruby’s Answer: I had lamb. It helps to keep me cute
Simon told his Dad he was sorry he had left his squeaky mouse on top of the rock face for the third time that week but secretly he wasn't
Did the time change effect you at all?
RUBY'S ANSWER: The fall back doesn't bother me but in the spring when dinner is a an hour late it does make me fret my food was forgotten
My Dad has said, while I sit on a blanket, on the back of the couch, and getting hand-fed, while a fan blows cool air on my tail, that he worries that I don’t do enough dog things.
Ridiculous. Then I got down to eat breakfast but turned up my nose because two of my kibbles were touching my kibble.
Unacceptable!
I got back on the couch while my parents cleaned the kibble because they were worried I would get the vapors.
On Tuesday I was placed on my perch in the car and escorted to Mommy’s hairdresser's and I expected to be chauffeured back, Instead, we pulled down a tree-lined road and parked on the edge of the woods.
Oh no, did we have a flat?
My Dad got out of the car, put on my leash, and announced we were going for a walk.
In the woods?
My feet might get muddy, my stunning tail covered with burrs, and I could be eaten by a rabid beaver.
But he who has the loop of the leash holds all the power.
He pulled me outside and I landed in the mud.
Great.
Then we began to walk down the path. The leaves were all red yellow and orange. They scrunched under my paws when I walked, and when I began sniffing a thousand scents. It woke up my inner dog. Then I did something I hadn’t done in more than three years of living with my parents.
I pooped outside.
The problem was that when you don’t poop outside for three years the human walking you stops carrying poop bags. Luckily there was a wide enough life nearby.
We walked further into the woods and came upon a garden that had a million and a half smells. Then we went further and I saw this thing called a squirrel. Are you familiar with them? They are fluffy-tailed rats who dart in front of us and run up a tree.
I had been a reluctant traveller but now I was pulling on the leash, every turn brought newp sights and sounds. We came kto a river and wandered down towards the bank until the ground became too treacherous. We found a cabin in the woods that I claimed as my summer home. And there was a log that I stood on to make myself tall.
I was tuckered out when I got in the car but stayed awake as we picked up Mommy, and soon I was asleep on her lap, under a blanket.
Because I am a dog, not an animal.
Drop your socks, It is time for Friday Fill Ins
There are four statements: the first two statements are written by 15AndMeowing, and the final two are done by Four-Legged Furballs. Please check them out.
Here are this week's statements with my fill ins CAPITALIZED.
I like pumpkin IN A CATAPAULT SO I CAN FIRE THEM AT MY ENEMIES. IF MY ENEMIES DON’T PRESENT THEMSELVES BY FIRST FROST I SHALL FIRE GLASS PUMPKINS. IN FACE, SCREW IT, I AM GOING WITH THE GLASS THEY DO MORE DAMAGE.
My favorite movie to watch around Halloween IS A SMALL INDEPENDENT FILM I PRODUCED CALLED “FOUR OLDER TEENAGED KIDS WITHOUT COSTUMES KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AT 10:30 PM SO I HIT THEM IN THE HEADS WITH A GLASS PUMPKIN.”
If I could meet any Halloween creature I’d choose THE GREAT GLASS PUMPKIN THAT LINUS USED WHEN HE FINALLY SNAPPED AND PUT THAT FOOTBALL YANKING, BAD ADVICE GIVING, GREAT PUMPKIM TRUTHER LUCY IN THE HOSPITAL UNTIL THANKSGIVING.
I’d like a Halloween filled with THE SOULS OF MY ENEMIES AND IF THERE IS ROOM SOME BACON TREATS.
My friend who is one spoiled cat gave me the picture below for the Thursday Poetry blog;-''
Franklin loved to go on hikes
He had since he was a tyke
He jumped over a crevice with glee
And that is when he lost is key
2
“Oh crap,” Franklin cried most meek
He wouldn’t get paid for a week
And no one would for free
Let him in the house without a key
3
Franklin peered into the crevice
And felt in his backpack for a device
That would bring from the ground to thee
The invaluable key
4
But there was nothing, not even string
That would help to him the key bring
When the sun moved and he could see
One hundred feet down to the key
5
By putting his feet and back on the opposite walls
Something that would prevent him from taking a big fall
Descending would be like climbing down a tree
And that is how he would reclaim his key
But he had not counted on gravity
6
All it took was a one misstep
To send him tumbling deep into the depth
Bouncing from rock to wall did he
Landing on the elusive key
7
Broken, busted and bleeding was he
But at least his key was returned to thee
When the sun shone down so he could see
This was not his key
8
Despondent he looked up but didn’t think it could be
His saviors, in form of men, numbering three
Who would soon make him free
Then he heard one of them say: “Hey buddy, mind throwing me up my key?”
Have your parents ever tormented and humiliated their pets by posting them in Halloween costume?
My parents loved to dress up Foley but not me. My face is already scary
It is time for Friday Fill-Ins.
Can I get a hell year?
There are four statements: the first two statements are written by 15AndMeowing, and the final two are done by Four-Legged Furballs. Please check them out.
Here are this week's statements with my fill ins CAPITALIZED.
My friend who is one spoiled cat gave me the picture below for the Thursday Poetry blog
The Big Fat Asian Baby had no eggs with her beef
And she cried loudly spreading her grief
What she did next was beyond belief
She became China’s greatest fresh egg thief
“Why aren’t the chickens laying eggs?” Farmer Brown said
He had been keeping them well fed
Then he spots over by the shed
The Big Fat Asian Baby eating an egg on bread
The chickens knew who stole the eggs
A tiny little hand slipping through their legs
It was the Big Fat Asian Baby they did peg
And vowed to knock the Big Fat Asian Baby off its bowlegs
Big Fat Asian Baby was enjoying her eggs both small and big
But the lack of bacon was keeping her from dancing a jig
And to prove that she, The Big Fat Asian Baby didn’t give a fig
She snuck on the farm and stole a pig
The pigs and chickens vowed to fight
But Big Fat Asian Baby struck at night
When pigs and chickens don’t have clear sight
And Big Fat Asian Baby stole more eggs adding to the barnyard plight
Big Fat Asian Baby was enjoying her chow
But she wanted something to drink right now
The way to do this she knew how
She snuck on the farm and walked off with the cow
The Big Fat Asian Baby was having fun
But her parents grew worried after she milked their son
Could they stop her or did they have to go on the run
Because Lord knew what Big Fat Asian Baby could do with a gun
I'm the angry bird.
I have been pissed off for 30 years.
If I threw a ball would you chase it?
Ruby's answer: Why would I do that? I didn't throw it
It is time for Friday Fill-Ins.
Can I get a hell year?
There are four statements: the first two statements are written by 15AndMeowing, and the final two are done by Four-Legged Furballs. Please check them out.
Here are this week's statements with my fill ins CAPITALIZED.
Oh, what a week we have had. The movers came early and stole our stuff. I barked at them but no one stopped them. Then I got in the car and we drove back to the building we visited. Mommy and I sat in the big common area. People came up to me and I gave them licks, which is strange because I usually growl at people.
When the movers finished Daddy brought Mommy upstairs to the cramped, dark apartment filled with boxes and furniture and said “Please tell me we are not living here,”
In her defense, she had a screaming migraine that lasted for five days, which incapacitated her, and caused Daddy to have to do all the unpacking.
As everyone who has moved knows the most important things always fall to the bottom of the boxes.
The apartment is different from the house, but has close to the same amount of floor space, so everything fits. Slowly, for Mommy, as the boxes were emptied, and broken down, which is low-key the worst thing about moving, the apartment began to feel more like home.
The place is made for moderns and has key fobs instead of keys. On the first night, Daddy went to get one of the boxes they had moved by car. He came back in, held the fob up to the reader, and nothing happened. He tried several more times until he realized he was locked out! He tried the intercom but Mommy didn’t know how to use it. It was 9:00 PM, the building was filled with seniors over 55, and everyone was sleeping. Daddy ran around the very big building until he found a woman walking her dog who let him in.
The televisions were made for moderns too and didn’t have buttons to turn them on, so we had to watch TV for the first few days on our phones. Daddy went back to the house and got a bunch of things but none of them turned on the TVs. He went to Best Buy to get a Universal remote to make the TV work, but it couldn’t connect to the Internet. Then he called Xfinity and after navigating through the AI, he talked to someone who made him unplug the modem hard-wired into the wall in Mommy’s cramped closet, then turn off the TV, then run around the building and cluck like a chicken. After an hour the man said we were all set and all we had to do was open an email he sent.
He never sent the email.
So in a blind rage he called gain, made his way through the army of bots preventing him from speaking to a real person, finally reaching one, and as soon as the poor girl picked up he berated her, until she got the Internet working, and then he had to apologize to her like a little boy who had just yelled at his mom.
The next day he had to deal with the cable company, and finally got a hold of a person/bot named Bosphur who made Daddy unplug the modem several times and run around the house and cluck like a chicken. At 3:30 in the morning, Bosphur said he was all set and all Daddy had to do was turn on the TV. Daddy said it would take a while for the box reboot. When it did the cable was not working, He picked up the phone to tell him that and Bosphur had flown away on his magic carpet.
Serenity now!
Two days later the cable TV was working. We had no idea who the masked man was who turned on and we never got a chance to thank him.
On Saturday morning, at 3:30 AM Daddy completed the move-in, but there were still little things to do to keep us busy, and it wasn’t until Sunday that the charger was found for our tablet.
But it still took two days for life to return to normal for us enough to post here, and there are still many pictures to hang.
Now, for the old house.
I have had fun writing about the feral cats who live under the house. Recently the Boston ASPCA has been setting traps and they removed the cats from the site. Yay!
But, we lived in a village with 150 houses built over cement slabs with floor vents which meant as soon as the cats moved away the mice moved in and when they moved my parents found scat along the walls and in the closets. We had mice.
So Daddy quickly formed a plan. He would hire a cleaner, an exterminator, and someone to blow in some fallen insulation.
But, the night we moved, someone made an offer. Yay! And they were having an inspection the next day. (Groan.) Of course, the inspection went poorly, and my parents were afraid the sale would fall through, but the people dropped their offer $15,000 which brought the cost down to what my parents were planning on asking.
So, we are waiting for hopefully a closing date.
And that is the story of our very big move.
Mommy has come to like the place, but is still frustrated, since Daddy did all the unpacking, where anything is.
But, she is finding the bathroom, which is half the battle when you move.
I want to announce I may not be around for a few I want to announce I may not be around for a few days because we are moving on Tuesday to a deluxe apartment in the sky (actually the second floor).
Mommy is going to need some senior services and that is one of the reasons they are moving. We want to keep ahead because she is a senior apartment renter turning into her even more senior parents.
I have been there twice. There are two living room windows I can look out of that overlook the putting green and pickleball courts. I plan to do a lot of barking to upset their concentration.
My parents are looking forward to not being responsible for all the appliances breaking down, or shoveling snow. They will miss the gardens but Mommy could no longer care for them.
One thing I did not like in the new place is the little room in the lobby that goes up and down. I am not used to a moving floor.
I am hoping to have many adventures there all of which I will report to you.
The next time I talk to you will be from the town of Foxboro MA.
Until then I wish you all the best. because we are moving on Tuesday to a deluxe apartment in the sky (actually the second floor).
Mommy is going to need some senior services and that is one of the reasons they are moving. We want to keep ahead because she is a senior apartment renter turning into her even more senior parents.
I have been there twice. There are two living room windows I can look out of that overlook the putting green and pickleball courts. I plan to do a lot of barking to upset their concentration.
My parents are looking forward to not being responsible for all the appliances breaking down, or shoveling snow. They will miss the gardens but Mommy could no longer care for them.
One thing I did not like in the new place is the little room in the lobby that goes up and down. I am not used to a moving floor.
I am hoping to have many adventures there all of which I will report to you.
The next time I talk to you will be from the town of Foxboro MA.
Until then I wish you all the best.
My friend who is one spoiled cat gave me the picture below for the Thursday Poetry blog
“Oh no,” Mortimer T Gorilla said with a moan
Into the river he had dropped his I-Phone
Which he needed for his work delivering bananas for Mr. McCone
Who considered Morty an inane drone.
X
“I need rice!” Morty said in a desperate cry.
“Not going to work,” his wife Matilda told him “that’s an old lie”
“You can’t save it, don't even try.
“Go to the Verizon store at the tree mall where another IPhone you will buy.”
X
Morty arrived and was ordered to take a number
Morty waited so long he thought he would miss his December slumber
And the only refreshments were tasteless cucumbers
Finally Morty was called and walked with what could only be described as a lumber
X
Morty sat across from salesman Lee
Hoping he was the 200th gorilla buyer and it would be free
Lee shattered Morty’s hopes telling him the expensive fee
Leaving Morty worried he would have to take out a second mortgage on the tree.
X
As the sales man began Morty grew red in the face
As he was told he needed a protective case
A glass cover to protect the screen if the phone is dropped from outer space
And insurance because the cases suck and you often have to replace
X
“Why do I need insurance and protective cases?” Morty wondered aloud
Lee continued: “And you have to pay for roaming, surfing, and extra space in the cloud.”
“You need to pay for earbuds and an adaptor for talking in the crowd,”
“And you need to pay for roaming so texts will be allowed.”
X
Lee would soon regret what he said
On a day he would be better off not getting out of bed
By overcharging a gorilla he went to where only fools tred
And he learned if you dicker with a gorilla they will rip off your head
Are you going to be on the family Christmas card this year and gave you or anyone in your pack been on one? Ruby’s Answer: I have been on m...
