Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Please Lord, I swear, I will never pee outside the litter box again if you will just let him drop a little tuna. 

Monday Question

 Where is your favorite spot to sit and watch the world?

Ruby's Answer

Like this pup my favorite spot is standing at the kitchen window

The Ruby Rose Report: Momma's Got Wheels

 

My Mom has wheels.

They came in a box from the deepest darkest Amazon where you can get anything you want (excepting Alice.)

They came in a big box. I was told to beware of women with big boxes. Lots of remote controls were lost up there. I suppose they are popular, since I hear a lot about Big Box Stores (although I think it is something you should come by naturally.) People say you shouldn’t buy things from the Big Box store, or from Amazon. A big box from Amazon must be particularly troublesome.

Also, whenever we get something from the Amazon, even the tiny box ones, from the capuchin monkey line, it is trouble, because Daddy needs to put something together, and he will make a cluster of pucks from it, and will inevitably lose important parts, or they are too deep in the big box to be located.

Before the wheels were built Daddy asked Mommy to read the instructions, a perfect example of the cripples leading the blind to the bus station before sending them to panhandle in Omaha.

This was a breakthrough. Usually, Daddy likes to make a mess of things on his own, but now he requested help to give him deniability if he built it wrong and Mommy rolled all the way to the sea.

Fortunately, the big box contained an almost finished product, except for a couple of bars. This concerned me. I didn’t want my Mommy to drink and roll.

Mommy tried it out, wheeling around the house, and thenput me on the soft seat, and gave me a ride. I tried to relax and enjoy it but it was like taking your first ride in a plane designed by members of Congress. At any point I had to be able to bail.

Thankfully things with the roller have rolled right along.

Mommy still uses her cane most of the time, because she prefers to lurch than roll, but when she goes in the car she brings her wheels, in case the car wheels fall off, and my Mom can propel us home Flintstones time. 

She has even gone for walks with Daddy and I, or at least a walk. I usually meander about on walks, but nothing makes you pay attention like a Grammy with a license to roll.

Our rolling walks are short. You don’t want to wear out your big box wheels and have to take a canoe to the deepest part of the Amazon to return it. 

Plus, you have to wipe your wheels after rolling and the bigger the wipe the wider the rolls.

So now my Mommy is rolling on wheels of fire burning down the track.

Please notify our next of kin if those wheels explode 

Friday Fill Ins

 

Our  Friendly Fill in Feline Friends had provided fill ins for me to complete.

My parts are in bold

1.When my parents leave without me it hurts my feelings.

2. Things on my not to do list include ending the war in the Ukraine in my first 100 days in office. The whole thing is white people's business..

3. My many chew bones are inanimate objects that cheers me up.

4. I wish I could hire someone to go for walk with my Dad. Honestly I am just as happy on the couch.

Poetry Thursday

It is poetry Thursday and our two spoiled cats have provided for us the picture below as inspiration.

Tom dreamed of a job in politics

But when he spoke he came across as a lunatic

Being elected would take a magic trick

Fraud was his bailiwick

He found fraud in the study of hurricanes

He found fraud in the study of rain

He found fraud in the way we control pain

He did such a good job fraud became his domain

Then he learned of fraud that made him sick

A billion dollars to study the common tick

He knew he could recoup the money spent real quick

And flush from the government all the bolsheviks

Tom learned the studies were being done deep in the woods.

To avoid being bit Tom wore long sleeves and a hood.

He followed a trail as far as he could

Despite being hot and sweaty he knew the outcome would be good.

Tom was confused when he found a desk in the weeds.

There were pills on the table that stopped him in his try to proceed

There didn’t seem the be anyone there not even a flea.

But on the seat was something he could not believe was he could see

Sitting in the chair was a tiny tick

The kind that when it bites makes you sick

Tom almost crushed it with a broomstick

Until the tick yelled “stop you lunatic.”

The tick was named Rick

“You thought someone else would do tick studies other than a tick.

I am doing great work here watching children get lime disease at a picnic.

And you should give me credit for doing 16 rhymes for tick and not, until the very last line, to call you a dick.

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

M

The economy has gotten so bad cats can't afford their own eyebrows and need to go halfsies with siblings

Monday Question

 How long has your pack been part of social media>

Who was the first pet to post?

When my parents learned of a social network site devoted to dogs, called Doggy Space they decided to check it out.

That was 18 years ago.

Foley Monster was the first to post

Poetry Thursday

 

It is Thursday which means the Two Spoiled Cats have provided another photo to inspire our poetic muse

Tim had to pee

But store managers would not let him as much as he did plea

He had no money and needed somewhere to pee for free.

He couldn’t even slip behind a tree.

He ran into a restaurant and said please help me

I really got to pee

And was told to feel free

And was given the bathroom key

He opened the bathroom door in glee

And then saw what was surely a crime to humanity

At the risk of hyperbole

The urinals were blocked off relieving himself was far from a fait accompli.

Tim went back to the manager with a plea

Take down the wall so he could wee

“I can’t do that, I am sorry we don’t agree

You see customers made a mess so the wall makes a clean urinal is a guarantee

Tim hurried back in the bathroom like a desperate banshee 

He had an inspiration that would relieve him of pee

He watched the NBA and liked shots from the three

And he was going to pee high over the wall like a desperate show by Steph Curry

Over the wall and into the urinal went his wee

But there was something he could not foresee

His pee lost pressure and splashed against the wall making him soaked like he got stuck in a rain storm in Hawaii

When he walked back outside the manager gave him a towel and said he could use the shower for a small fee

 

Beat This Caption

 

I'm not going in Allen, Three bowls of porridge have been eater, three chairs have been sat in, and all three beds have been slept in. It has to be either a Venezuelan street gang or a bougie triple dipping blonde chick who just can't settle down.

Either way I'm not going to check.

Monday Question

 With tariffs on goods from China at 145% how worried are your parents worried about items made in China, mainly pet toys, beds, leads, and collars more than doubling in price?

It is a worse mistake to anger farmers, car manufacturers, and supermarkets or pet owners?

Are you ready for a million paw rally in Washington?

Does the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania, who does not own a pet, and refers to people fired, arrested, or down on their luck as "dogs" doing this because he hates the species?

I don't use too many toys but do have chew bones which come from Cow Butt Tennessee.

Pet owners are the most committed group in the world and you do not want to provoke them.

Sign me up. I will lead the parade.

I don't think he considers dogs and cats when he makes a decision. 

The Ruby Rose Report: Barney the Dog from the Seventies

My parents say that I say that I am the perfect combination of the pups who came before me: I have Blake's Intelligence,  Foley’s spirit, Pocket’s sweetness, and River’s devotion. My mom says it is like they all came to visit me in my sleep to teach me how to be the dog who could repair my mom’s severely broken hearts. 

They did.

But there is another dog, one who I never met, and only heard of, running around the woods at the Bridge, seen occasionally like a sasquatch. 

Last week I was having a dream date high tea with my predecessors when a short but thick legged black animal, covered in mud, was emitting a smell that offended my delicate nose. It barely acknowledged us, grabbed a burger and ran into the woods.

“What was that?” I asked, startled

“That was the original dog, Barney the Beast, he was the first dog that was my dad’s, and since he was the one, 30 years ago, who convinced Mom to get a dog, Barney is our maker. If Barney was mean or aloof, our dad may not have been so determined to get a dog, and they would be the lonely, sad, anti-social couple who split a left over pizza on Easter Sunday instead of the lonely, sad, antisocial couple who split a leftover pizza on Easter Sunday and have a cute dog.

(Not that you should feel sorry for them. If they did get an Easter invite they would be checking their phones every minute because they have a compulsion to check on me, and will leave early, saying they I miss them, which I do, but they are the ones missing me, and in these days of humans belonging to the DCBFL (dog, cat, bird, fish, lizard) community humans should be able to  say they miss their dogs and want to leave.)

(Also, before they set up the camera I would happily curl into a ball and sleep while they were gone, but they didn’t buy the camera to watch me contently sleeping so I have to walk back and forth, bark at the window, and pretend to be agitated so they think I miss them. It's exhausting.)

Back at the dream date, as we watched video of them sleeping, to see how they liked it, I could hear sounds of Barney running in the woods.

A dog who ran free but still came back at night on his own, who made an entire neighborhood their kingdom, and, dare I wonder, was unneutered was a dog I had to get to know better.

My education continues.  

 

Friday Fill Ins

 

It is time for the Friendly Friday Fill Ins

The original sentences were constructed by the Four Legged Furballs and 15&Meowing

The originals are in plain text, my contribution in red/

And away we go

1. Once in a while, I manage to fart, and I am getting pretty, pretty good at it although I don't like to toot my own toot. 

2. The weirdest thing in my home is men playing with their balls on TV, and when they get good at it, my Dad cheers them on. It is sick.

3. I wish I had access to the nuclear codes.  so that I could  keep the world from exploding which spome people with the codes seem determined to do.

4. It’s never too late to pee, but sometimes it's too early to pee, if that makes sense

Poetry Thursday

 

It is Thursday which means the Two Spoiled Cats have provided another photo to inspire our poetic muse

Freddy was happy to be a frog

Swimming in the water, sleeping on lily pads on the bog

He would not trade his life for that of a dog

Living high on the hog sleeping on a log

One day Freddy was awoken by a woman’s weep

He swam over and saw a beautiful woman who looked like Bo Peep.

He inquired if she lost her sheep

She said it was who ran away (what a creep)

The girl stopped weeping and had a wish

She asked the frog if she could have a kiss

Then he would become her prince (but there was much he would miss

(Just not those smelly ass fish.)

When he kissed her he shut his eyes

She tasted better than his usual dinner of flies

He passed out and in the next morning he did rise

He looked in the mirror and gasped in surprise.

His reflection showed a cat

This is not what the princess said during their little chat

He should have known (all princesses were brats)

Instead of swimming all day he would sit on his fluffy ass full of fat

When the princess appeared he gave her hell

Changing into a cat was something you tell

She said the Prince who left her was a pet bengal

Freddy spat out sarcastically “that’s just swell.”

Freddy was dejected that now he had to, in a box, pee

The transformation caused anxiety 

And then he realized what caused him the most self-pity

It was his own ass she referred to when she promised he could lick her pussy

wordless wednesday

Beat This Caption

 

I am telling you mom there is a German Shepherd stuck in the washing machine and it is imperative we get it out before the spin cycle.

Monday Question

 

 

Are you allowed to kiss your parents on the mouth?

 

 Ruby's Answer: Mommy doesn't but Daddy does so I give him twice as much 

The Ruby Rose Report: Peanut Butter On a Bone

L

I like a chew in bed

From my first day it is what I said

My parents look for new things for me to chew in bed

But I ignore it instead.

One day they asked if I liked peanut butter with bacon chunks on a bone

I do not like it

In my home

I do not like peanut butter with bacon chunks on a bone

Do your like peanut butter on an apple or a pear

I do not like peanut butter on a pear

Not here, not there, not anywhere

I do not like peanut butter on a bone

If other dogs like it 

I don’t give a damn you innate drone

Would you like it on kibble

Would you share some with Ish Kabbible?

I do not like them on kibble

I would not eat them with Ish Kibbible

I do not like peanut butter on a bone

Not here, not there, not anywhere

Even if I was wearing a big uncomfortable cone

Would you lick it off an antler

Would you eat it if it allowed you to escape a panther? 

Not on an antler

Not to escape a panther

Not with kibble

Not to share with Ish Kibbible

Not here, not there

Not anywhere 

I would not eat peanut butter on a bone

I would not eat it to pay off a big loan

Would you eat them in a car

If they had been put with formaldehyde in a jar? 

I would not in a car

Or a formaldehyde filled jar

You will like them, all dogs do

I hear it helps you go poo

I would not, could not, eat it on a pear

I would not eat it in my underwear

I would not eat it on kibble

I would not eat it with Ish Kibbible

I would not eat it in a car

I would not eat it in a formaldehyde filled jar

I would not eat it in on an antler

I would not eat it in on a panther 

Say!

In the dark

In a dog park

In a dark dog park

I would not, could not

In the dark

Would you, could you, in the rain

I would not could not in the rain

Not in the dark, not to cure pain

Not in a car, not on a pear

Not in fresh pressed underwear

Not in a house, not in the park

Not with a mouse, not as a lark

I will not eat it here or there

I won’t eat it anywhere

You do not like peanut butter on a bone

I do not like it

You persistent little shit

Could you, would you for your mom

I could not, would not, even for mom

Could you, would you eat it with gum?

I would not could not in the rain

Not in the dark, not to cure pain

Not in a car, not on a pear

Not in fresh pressed underwear

Not in a house, not in the park

Not with a mouse, not as a lark

Not with my mom, not if it was gum

Not in a pit, not even a bit

I will not eat it here or there

I won’t eat it anywhere

I do not like peanut butter on a bone

Not even a bit, 

you obsequious upper class twit

You do not like it

So you admit

Try it, try it

And you may

Try it and you may say

Mom, 

If you let be

I will try it

And you will see

I tried just a bite

And found out I do like peanut butter on a bone

And you’re not an inane drone

I would love it on kibble

While I eat with Ish Kabbible

I would eat it on a pear

I would eat  it in my underwear

I would eat them in the rain

I will say it again as a refrain

I would eat them in a car

I would eat them from a jar

I would eat it with my mom

I would swallow it if it was gum

I do like a peanut butter covered bones

Then I let out a groan

I threw up like a cyclone

And it was the last time I had a peanut butter covered bone