Friday Fill-ins

Gather around the sleigh , its time for Friday Fill Ins There are four statements: the first two statements are written by 15AndMeowing, and the final two are done  by  Four-Legged Furballs. Please check them out.  Here are this week's statements with my fill ins are in CAPITALS 

My Christmas tree goes up IN THE MOST INCONVENIENT PLACE POSSIBLE. I GET UP LATE AT NIGHT TO PEE AND SUDDENLY THERE IS A TREE IN MY WAY. I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE JESUS WAS BORN UP A TREE. HUMANS HAVE ON THEIR WALLS WHERE HE DIED WHY NOT WHERE HE WAS BORN? BUT IT TURNS OUT HE WAS BORN IN A BARN. I GUESS I SHOULD BE HAPPY WHEN I HAVE TO PEE IN THE HOLIDAY SEASON THAT I DON’T NEED TO WALK THROUGH A BARN. HUMANS! I am thankful for THE OLD GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR IN THE LOBBY WHO ALWAYS GIVES ME PUPERONI TREATS. THERE’S A GUY SOMEBODY SHOULD ERECT A TREE FOR. I AM ALREADY SICK OF THE COLD WEATHER by the time December rolls around. I’ll be spending a lot of time FIGURING HOW I CAN DRAG THE TREE INTO THE HALLWAY, INTO THE ELEVATOR, DOWN A FLOOR AND INTO THE LOBBY TO GIVE TO THE TREAT GUY IN THE WHEELCHAIR WHO COULD USE A TREE. 

Poetry Thursday

I am thankful for my friend the one spoiled cat providing the photo the photo for Poetry Thursday

I give thanks to my friends thetwo spoiled cats for providing this week’s photo

Jax had a hard time making friends 

And thought it would be that way to the end

But in the barnyard he found someone that made him perky

Who called herself Mac and was a turkey

Ii

For Jax making friends was hard

Until he found the friendly little clucker in the yard

On the farm neither Jax or Mac had a purpose

And one another they did worship

Iii

Seeing her food uptake Jax said it looked like they were trying to fatten his friend up

Food is always noticed by a pup

And by fall Mac had grown quite plump

Carrying most of hus weight in his dump.

IV

Jax was worried about his friends intake of cholesterol.

As his size expanded before late fall

Then Mac disappeared, Jax surmised he went away

Just a short time before Thanksgiving day

V

On the fourth Thursday in November the house was busy

So much activity made him dizzy

He wandered into the dining room

And felt a sense of doom

Vi

Had the barbarians slaughtered his friend for dinner?

Was the family he loved full of sinners?

Was it time to go on the run?

Before he too came under the gun?

 Vii 

Then the door opened and Jax was happy to see Mac enter

But his friend said something that touched his nerve center

Mac exclaimed with dread

Oh my God, their eating my wife Mildred

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Oh for God Sakes. I took a dump in the tank. It’s called an upper decker. It’s funny. Well I can see you have no sense of humor. Just get out. Get out of my bathroom. I don’t care what you have to do, get out. Damn humans: Can’t live with them, can’t use the can opener without

Monday Question

We know your parents have Thanksgiving plans but what will your day be like?  

Ruby’s Answer:  My parents will be leaving me for only the second time since we moved. While they are gone I will take a nap and visit Foley at the Bridge where she is having a dream feast

Poetry Thursday

 

I

“There is going to be a flood,” the town folk told Juan Pierre

But he ignored them and sat on his derrière, 

But soon nature would catch him in her snare

When a heavy rain filled the air.

II

Water quickly filled his room

And so the house did not become his tomb

He escaped from the skylight the gathering gloom

Like a baby pushing out of the womb

III

Above water he could barely keep his head

And around him the current sped

When he saw a little

His friend Jack riding on a bed

IV

Univited Juan Pierre pulled himself aboard

And thanked the Lord

But then found himself with a fact he abhorred

The bed was sinking from the head board

V

Their chances of reaching high land frayed

And when Juan Pierre told Jack to get off he dismayed

”I’m not Jack and your not Rose,” Jack tried to persuade

”And before Jack got off at least Rose got him laid.”

VI 

Juan Pierre said they could take turns on the float

And when he won rock paper scissors he couldn’t not help but gloat

When Jack jumped off and grabbed the side Juan Pierre kick him in the throat 

And Juan Pierre taunted his for: “I will never let go Jack, quote unquote”

VI

When Jack stood the water was up to his knees and he wasn’t that tall

The water had receded after the sudden squall

And with glee Jack watched and with happiness he did bawl

As Juan Pierre and the bed fell towards the sewer after going over a water fall 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Even though he was only ordering breakfast Max insisted the Chief use the Cone of Science

Monday Question

 Do you like to look out the window and what is your favorite thing to see?

Ruby’s Answer: When we lived at the house it was the front kitchen window where I could look over the street but since we moved it is on the back window looking at the construction, the walking path and the putting green.

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said “meow”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"


To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A CAT DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

---------

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

---------

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

---------

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

---------

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only

---------

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.m

 But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Friday Fill Ins

 Wake up Little Suzie, its time for Friday Fill Ins

There are four statements: the first two statements are written by 15AndMeowing, and the final two are done  by  Four-Legged Furballs. Please check them out. 

Here are this week's statements with my fill ins are in bold.

My first celebrity crush was Lemu the Emu. The legs! The beak! The insurance savings! What’s a girl to do?

If I could make a new holiday it would be Ruby Day. The children of the world would come together, hold hands and give me treats.  

The Epstein Files is the last thing on my mind these days. My mom got knocked up when she was a year and a half which even in dog years is under the age of consent, but my dad is a good guy named Donald

If my tail could talk it would say why am I wagging while the rest of me is sagging. 

Poetry Thursday

 

 

My friend who is one spoiled cat gave me the picture below for the Thursday Poetry blog;

Henry figured he would have a ball

Taking supplements until his muscles became big

Nothing that could be covered by a leaf of fig

But his nuts stayed small

He gave his gal Deidre a call

Who loved the way he looked

But there was one thing that had her spooked

His nuts were still small. 

He looked at the supplements her had been putting in his guts

And call the 1-800 number to file a complaint

When he reached a technician he stated his lament

The muscles were great but he had tiny nuts

She excused him with a series of tuts

And said his nuts did not get smaller but were out of proportion

And then she had a notion

There was a powder he could take to plump up his nuts

Henry ordered the powder no if and or buts

And went to sleep anxious to see what the powder would do

But woke up in the dark at a quarter of two

He thought he had two large beach balls between his legs but they were his nuts

Henry could not get out of bed he was in a rut

And called 911 for some aid

Soon entered the fire brigade

Whose Captain said look at those massive nuts

To get him free they had to make the unkindest cut

And then the Brigade captain had to report

In front of a tribunal in the court

How three men were injured by runaway massive squirrel nut attacks 

Wordless Wednesdy

 

Best This Caption

 

 Other animals? Two of each kind? I don’t know nothing about that. I saw the rain, built this boat, and been floating around by myself for six months. Why do you ask?

Monday Question

 What is the main protein in the last meal you ate?

Ruby’s Answer: I had lamb. It helps to keep me cute

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Simon told his Dad he was sorry he had left his squeaky mouse on top of the rock face for the third time that week but secretly he wasn't

Monday Question

 Did the time change effect you at all?

RUBY'S ANSWER: The fall back doesn't bother me but in the spring when dinner is a an hour late it does make me fret my food was forgotten 

The Ruby Rose Report: A Walk in the Woods On a Autumn Afternoon

 

My Dad has said, while I sit on a blanket, on the back of the couch, and getting hand-fed, while a fan blows cool air on my tail, that he worries that I don’t do enough dog things.

Ridiculous. Then I got down to eat breakfast but turned up my nose because two of my kibbles were touching my kibble.

Unacceptable!

I got back on the couch while my parents cleaned the kibble because they were worried I would get the vapors.

On Tuesday I was placed on my perch in the car and escorted to Mommy’s hairdresser's and I expected to be chauffeured back, Instead, we pulled down a tree-lined road and parked on the edge of the woods.

Oh no, did we have a flat?

My Dad got out of the car, put on my leash, and announced we were going for a walk.

In the woods?

My feet might get muddy, my stunning tail covered with burrs, and I could be eaten by a rabid beaver.

But he who has the loop of the leash holds all the power.

He pulled me outside and I landed in the mud.

Great.

Then we began to walk down the path. The leaves were all red yellow and orange. They scrunched under my paws when I walked, and when I began sniffing a thousand scents. It woke up my inner dog. Then I did something I hadn’t done in more than three years of living with my parents.

I pooped outside.

The problem was that when you don’t poop outside for three years the human walking you stops carrying poop bags. Luckily there was a wide enough life nearby.

We walked further into the woods and came upon a garden that had a million and a half smells. Then we went further and I saw this thing called a squirrel. Are you familiar with them? They are fluffy-tailed rats who dart in front of us and run up a tree.

I had been a reluctant traveller but now I was pulling on the leash, every turn brought newp sights and sounds. We came kto a river and wandered down towards the bank until the ground became too treacherous. We found a cabin in the woods that I claimed as my summer home. And there was a log that I  stood on to make myself tall.

I was tuckered out when I got in the car but stayed awake as we picked up Mommy, and soon I was asleep on her lap, under a blanket.

Because I am a dog, not an animal.