Ruby's Sunday Funnies

 

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.

After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”

“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!

Friday Fill-Ins

It is time for Friday Fill-ins. Ruby's fill-ins are in blue

I have been beautiful for a while now, and I couldn't stop it if I tried. Anything with a screen, except perhaps a window, bores me

Not paying attention to me for five minutes straight is my main criticism of the job my parents are doing. If I threw a Halloween party, it would include many gifts for me, the biggest one would be from you and the card inside would say f thank you for being a friend. Actually, I wouldn't throw a party for me, and here are my reasons. Why throw a party for yourself? Are you that pathetic? Are you that old? Are you that golden? You gotta throw a party for yourself? And not only do you throw your party for yourself, but yourself is the guest of honor. And you expect gifts. So if you had a party and you invited me over, the biggest gift would be for me, and the card inside would say, "Get over yourself." I'm grumpy now. I'm going to bed. P

Poetry Thursday

it is time for poetry thirsty hosted by my friend one spoiled cat who provided today's picture

In our house we were complete 

 A quiet neighborhood. Not a busy street.

 But then one day, new neighbors moved in 

 And we were left wondering what might have been. 

 Who moved in to cause us such woe? 

 Who despite the petitions of the neighbors, would not go.

 Was it the mob? The KKK? A terrorist group? 

 No, it was worse, an improv troop 

 My parents met them over the fence and mom offered a hand.

 The new lady shook it and said “yes and?” 

 Yes and what? my mother wondered. But then my dad's face grew white 

 “They are improv comics, run for your life.” My father shouted in fright.

 It did not take them long to begin their antics 

 Leaving us all so scared and frantic. 

 They stood in the street, stopping traffic, demanding that we be in their skit. 

 we even threw rotten fruit, but they didn't get deterred a bit. 

 They pretended to be prisoners on the lamb 

 They played fake instruments acting like a calypso band 

 They tried to recruit is for their sketches

 Who would deliver is from these comic wretches 

 My dad said we would never sell the house or be driven forced from our land by people led by a woman who spends half her day being milked like a cow

. Something has to give but how? 

 Then something happened to change my dad's mind for all time

. The comedy troupe built a shelter out back for their cousins, a group of French mimes.

 Obsessed my dad watched as a man pretended to be trapped in a box 

 He couldn't be stopped not even by the cops 

 When they ruined our backyard pretending to do motocross 

 My dad said he would sell the house even at a loss

 My father was first to move out in the spring 

 And sold the house to a group of bearded ladies who could not sing. 

 Soon everywhere there were clowns, clowns, mimes and fools for as far as you could see. 

 And that is when they changed the name of the neighborhood to Washington, D.C.

ithout Words

 

Beat This Caption

 

Happy Halloween? I don't think so. I'm like this all night.

Monday Question

 How many tags do you wear and what are they for?

Not my real tag. I'm not friendly

Ruby’s answer - five. 

1.  My parents name and number

2.  Rabies tag

3. Dog license

4. Chip ID

5.  Rose tag from a friend

Ruby Sunday Funnies

 

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

 

You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Friday Fill-ins

1.  Bringing multitudes of souls to their knees by bearing a single fang and growling softly is a useful skill I have.

2. I recharge by eating a Papa John's Big Pizza. Papa John's. Home of the Big Pizza. Any endorsement of products on this blog shall go into the account of one Ruby Rose. One Ruby Rose Lane, Ruby Rose Apartments. Now someone gets this flat tasteless disc of cheese off my plate. It displeases me.

3. My job as a dog taught me that nothing is r more important in the family than the dog

4. I wouldn't mind visiting a haunted house spooked by many politicians we have running the country. My nana used to say if they can't run a nation they'll probably do a crap job haunting the house. What we need is a bunch of incompetent ghosts. The kind when you enter their homes say “oob.”

Poetry thursday

 I got a 69 Tonka with plastic wheels

Colorful handlebars and a pillow for my balls

And when I'm riding and the wind hits my fur, I can't tell you how I feel

I'm 60 feet tall

My brother Tommy and I pulled it right out of the box

And the moment I got on her back I knew I was born to ride

As the sun goes down, I take it around the block

The sun glints off my bumper sticker, which reads, "born to ride”

I saw her about two weeks ago

Sitting on her lawn, licking her hoohaw

I slowed down and ask her if she wanted to go

But her mother pulled her inside before she could reply with a big paw.

I always slowed down in front of her house after that.

Sometimes I could see her in the window, peeking out

I had hoped to be able to have with her a chat

While her mother haunted the window, looking at me with great doubt

Tommy was unhappy that we weren't winning races

 But being the fastest on the street no longer mattered to me

I needed to get to know my little black pug girl abd all of her graces.

And then we could blow this town off and be free

I decided to take the biggest risk a dog can do on a plastic Tonka truck can do.

I would ride my bike in the rain.

Her mother wouldn't suspect me of such Deering do

But the Frenchie would. She saw me ride down the street while her mother was engaged. She burst from the house, climbed on my bike, and we took off for life of caviar and champagne

I must admit that I peddled away. My act of daring do had taken a lot out of me

I needed to rest and asked my little, Frenchy, if you would mind if we went to bed.

She stopped the bike with one paw, slapped me in the face with the other and my groin soon became overly acquainted with her knee.. I was sure the bike would get me laid. Maybe next time I'll use a horse instead.

Wordless

 

Beat This Caption

"Hey Murray, can you give me a boost? Don't be ridiculous, I'm not going to break the stool. I'm just carrying a bit more holiday weight. Just a little boost no one will know. Fine. If you don't help me I will do it myself."

Things Jim said in early autumn 2026 just before breaking the stool

Monday Question

 

If you are suddenly able to talk with your parents,do they rejoice that they can finally talk to you, or panic that all the things that they have done behind closed doors when no one was watching except for you can now be exposed?

Ruby's answer: definitely the latter.

Rubys Sunday Funnies

 

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, Iwasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"

"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."

"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route142" …

When young, I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us went to flight school

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Friday Fill In

 

  pWhere do farts go when freed from  their captors’ rectum is the strangest thing I have researched online. The answer is the military is keeping them in oil refineries along the Erie Canal to be used as bio weapons. You are all obsessed with AI ending the works but since the beginning of time the greatest threat  has always been the PU.

 My Wi-Fi network is called United States Strategic Command. I got access after I took a couple of freshmen kitten white house  aides for catnip. After a couple of hours they let the password fly. Now that this is publically known I would like to apologize to the owner of a Burger Mullah on South Street in Tehran. I was trying to order doordash when I hit the wrong button and blew up your place

Being the world’s most famous dogs, known for my good looks and small dog yippie vibe is both a blessing to and a curse. Sometimes I sit with all life's treasures and think how unfulfilled I am, and then think of a Iife without the treasures and I realize having them is freaking awesome. Curse hell I would happily be cursed if I could keep the treasure.

I boldly stand up to fight for my principals when life gets tough. I cuntinue to do so for 30 seconds and then I collapse and hide with my treasures. If God wanted dogs to fight tooth and nail he wouldn’t have invented the nail grinder. 

  

Poetry Thursday

The truth be told, Gladys still made Henry's heart glow.

She was no longer a young dog. They no longer spent their nights on the go.

They didn't zoom under the stars. They didn't leap through the snow

Gladys had lost the zest for life 38 litters ago.

She spends her day on the couch, sleeping away while watching old episodes of The Price Is Right.

At four she eats supper, then turns in for the night

The thought of Gladys and him living the rest of their life like this filled Henry with fright

He vowed not to let her disappear into the darkness of night without a fight.

One day, Henry suggests they go dancing.

Gladys snapped back that she was sleeping.

Henry said, "To the moon we can go howling."

Gladys replied We're too old to leave the house without dying."

Henry hated seeing her so sad

All his efforts to cheer her up made her mad

Then he remembered he was a dad.

And set out to find one of the dozens of children she had.

There were 234 in all.

And on Christmas, no one could send a card or leave a call.

When he found them, they all had their excuses not to go like they had to chase a ball.

The only one who said he would visit his mother was Saul. The runt of the litter. Almost five times too small.

Saul visited on a Monday 

He brought with him a bright bouquet 

But Gladys wouldn't look at him. Her time was invested in a muffin she found outside a cafe.

Henry waited impatiently, knowing the mother-and-child reunion was only a muffin away

Gladys finally noticed Saul and for the first time in years she smiled which was pretty beyond compare.

Saul ran and hugged her ending her despair.

And Henry realized something that he had been Unaware.

Sad moms never need anything beyond one of their children sticking their heads in and saying hello in there

JJ