Wordless

 

Fill In Friday

 

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It is time for Friday Fill-ins. Ruby's fill-ins are capitalized while the small letters are

written by Four Legged Fur Balls and 15 and Meowing

1. I would rather smell a skunk instead of TRUMP’S ASS AND I AM AN ASS

CONNOISSEUR.
2. I can’t believe the price of KIBBLE. IT SUCKS. IT IS POPULAR TO SAY

SOMETHING BAD TASTES LIKE ASS. IF ONLY!

IN FACT ASS FLAVORED KIBBLE WOULD BE VERY POPULAR.
           3. I DON'T GET TOO EXCITED for breakfast. I AM A NIGHT EATER. THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH TO DO IN THE MORNING,

LIKE LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND BARK AT WHO EVER BEGAN USING IT WHILE

I WAS ASLEEP. 
           4. I always GET IN THE BIG BED WITH MY EXHAUSTED PARENTS DESPERATELY

IN NEED OF SLEEP, AND THEN I SPIN AROUND, SPIN AROUND, SPIN AROUND, SPIN

AROUND, THEN KNEAD, KNEAD, KNEAD, KNEAD, KNEAD, KNEAD KNEAD,

LICK MY WHOWHO, LICK MY WHOWHO, LICK MY WHOWHO, SNORT, SNORT, SNORT,

SNORT, SNORT, SPIN AROUND, SPIN AROUND, SPIN AROUND, KNEAD, KNEAD,

LICK MY WHOWHO, SPIN AROUND, SPIN AROUND, SPIN AROUND, THEN LIE DOWN,

UNTIL I HEAR A NOISE, JUMP UP AND START ALL OVER AGAIN.  before turning in for the night

Poetry Thursday

 

Welcome to a new post  inspired by a picture provided by Angeil Sammys and Teddys Pawetaton 

Tom and Billy got on the subway

They were together almost every day
“But not in a Gay way!”

Billy insisted but no one believed anything Billy did say

Then they were blessed when Fat Sol fell asleep and spilled his pizza

Which they could afford because they both shared a canceled visa

Billy tried to argue he had a case of financial amnesia

For which there is an operation that without medical insurance Billy could barely cover a puff of anesthesia.

And now on the subway floor was pizza that was free

And they both realized it was dirty

But free pizza was a reason to party

And they were both typical New Yorky

But if they were seen eating pizza off the subway floor

Behavior most people abhor

A great plan was called for

But the best they could come up with was sneaking bites when the crowd moved to the door

They paused for a second wondering if subway floor pizza would make them sick

But they believed free pizza could score them a chick.

So they planned to move quick

Somewhere their parents rued the process called zygotic

When the car stopped, and people began to move, the boys dove at

The slices like a pair of hungry acrobats

When they found under the seat where Fat Dom sat

A knife-wielding New York subway pizza rat

Billy, Tom and the Pizza Rat began fighting over the pizza like big, angry sparrows

When Fat Dom woke up and knew he had to save the pizza like he was a superhero

Fat Dom climbed on the seat and leaped towards the intruders like Eddie Guerrero

When he landed the train jumped the tracks and the ambulance driver transporting them to the hospital observed it was just another day in New York’s biggest borough

Beat This Caption

 

Look at what the dog did. We don't have a dog? Well, if you got a dog this is the kind of thing they do, so be warned

Weekly Question

Do you sniff food or treats, or do you just gobble it down?

Ruby's answer: My female parental unit says I am the only dog in the world who sniffs food before I eat it. She says I am like Robert in Everyone Loves Raymond.

Thanks a lot, Ray

Ruby's Two Day Late Funnies

 

a young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer looked into the distance and warmed to his task

Once, I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,” he began: “I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly, the largest tiger I've ever seen in my life leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find my gun bearer had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

“Under those circumstances, sir, I think anyone would have done the same," the reporter said.

The old explorer replied: "No, not then -– just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'”

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

Fill In Friday on Saturday (Actually Sunday morning)

It is time for Friday Fill-ins. Ruby's fill-ins are capitalized while the small letters are written by Four Legged Fur Balls and 15 and Meowing

1. My November to do list includes NOTHING. ARE YOU KIDDING? LAST MONTH WAS OCTOBER AND HALLOWEEN AND DECEMBER IS CHRISTMAS. I NEED TO DECOMPRESS. IF MY PARENTS WERE HAVING THANKSGIVING HERE IT WOULD BE A DIFFERENT STORY. THEN I WOULD HAVE TO WORK ON MY POUNCE AND EAT TECHNIQUE TO BEAT THAT SPECIAL NEEDS KID WHO RIDES THE SHORT BUS AND WHOSE PARENTS STICK UNDER THE TABLE BECAUSE HE SAYS HE LIKES IT

2. ROCK’N’ROLL NEVER disappoints. WAIT.  ROCK’N’ROLL NEVER FORGETS. I REALIZED I WAS WRONG WHEN I HEARD THE NEW HO ALBUM. TALK ABOUT DISAPPOINTING. I DON’T WANT 80 YEAR-OLDS MAKING MY MUSIC, I WANT THEM MAKING MY LAWS.

3. If I haven't GIVEN A DAMN by this time of the year, then IN THE WORDS OF JOHN OLIVER’S GENERAL HOSPITAL CHARACTER “IT AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN.” 

 4. I’m proud of myself for STAYING UP LATE ON THE COMPUTER AND FIGURING OUT A WAY TO HACK VOTING MACHINES TO FIX THE ELECTION FOR THE DEMOCRATS. MY FRIEND MURPHY TOLD ME I HAD GONE TOO FAR. ONCE MISSISSIPPI AND TEXAS WENT BLUE THE HUMANS WOULD REALIZE SOMETHING WAS AMISS. BUT I KNEW THEY WERE SO GUILLABLE THEY WOULD JUST ACCEPT THE RESULTS

 

Poetry Thursday

 

Tim was asked to go out with his coworkers after work

He had avoided drinking afraid it would make him even more of a jerk

But he had been eyeing the pretty new clerk

Even though all she did when he asked her out was smirk

He joined his coworkers at the bar

It wasn’t very far

Close enough he could leave his car

And sat next to the blonde near the pickle jar

He noticed the karaoke machine and asked her is she wanted to sing

Just declined and flashed her engagement ring

But the drink had made him persevering

And he suggested no one would know of they have a fling

The more he drank the more he persisted

And each thrust she resisted

Until her coworkers could tell she needed to be assisted

Offended by his advances they considered ham fisted

The men offered him a ride home

The women told her to leave her alone

But to no sins would he atone

And to the barkeep he asked to refresh the foam

 

Tim became very popular that night

Being bought drinks left and right

Until outside it was almost light

Which would usher in his plight

While sleeping he became aware

That his coworkers had dumped him in the woods, a sad end to the affair

Vengance to all of them Tim did declare

Then he rolled over and saw the bear

Beat this caption

 

So I get home from all day working at the factory and I go down to my hole and I discovered my wife Rita wearing a strap on and going to town on my neighbor Phil the gopher and I yell "hey cut this crap out and vacate my premises" and the wife tells me I an overeacting and throws me out of the hole I dug with these two paws. I tell you Larry I don't know what to do with this dame. Are you going to help me out just stand there and cringe?

Monday Question

 What is the longest you have worked on a single blog?

Ruby's answer. Breaking news: it was last night, and it took three hours to upload photos and copy jokes. But when I tried to upload things, I was told that I needed to sign in to his Google account and allow cookies. Well, this was a heck of a thing, because I was in my Google account

I was determined to fix the problem. I typed the problem into Google, and it gave me a list of steps to go through. They told me after several steps to open Privacy and Security and click on Cookies. Well, someone must have eaten those cookies, because there weren't any there. So back to Google I go. I tried another tactic, and the same thing happened after several steps.

So I got on Google Chat because no one knows it is dog texting with him, and only notice they have trouble hitting the B. I tried several things the chat man said. None of them worked. So the chat man said I had to go online and post a message I needed help. One of my fellow app users will help me. I asked why they couldn't help me further, and I was told they didn't know what was wrong. So Google, who knows every fact ever written. Who can take you back to the beginning of man. Who can explain symphonies to you? That is your lifeline. Yet, Google has no idea how Google operates.

Well, I could not upload anything that night, but then I had a thought. I opened another platform that can be used for blogs. I upload everything to it, organize it, then hit copy and paste. And my blog magically showed up. I hit publish, and though it looks a little raggedy the blog is sea worthy. And I had defeated the Google weasels by going around them.

It looks like I'm going to have to keep on outsmarting them

Ruby ‘s Sunday Funnies

 

  

man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

    

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

Friday Fill-ins

It is fill-in Friday hosted and developed by Two spoiled cats

On Halloween, I will help raise the dead to create an army so large and insurmountable that men will bow to us, and we will rule in the darkness for a thousand years. Honestly, I'll probably just nap, though.

When it comes to Halloween candy I will gladly trade my soul for more candy corn. 

If I had to wear one Halloween costume for an entire year, I would get a big blue suit, a big red tie, a big white shirt, and a big belly. And finally, my childhood dream of being a clown will be realized.

I am going to star as a dog who shows Freddy Krueger the meaning of love, gets him to stop haunting people and killing them in their sleep, and makes him start bringing them presents. It worked with Santa. It will be my first time starring in a scary movie

Poetry Thursday

 

It is time for poetry Thursday hosted by my friend one spoiled cat who provided today's pictur

Fleet afloat they did ride

Their voices cried

“Run, scatter hide.

One is coming from the other side”

There is nothing so frightening as the other side.

Who are green eyed

Misuse fluoride

And by rules don't abide.

We have heard that upon us they have spied.

We know their leaders lied.

Conquering us would be their greatest pride.

And causes to divide..

Mr Hooper has a contact on the dark side

Who said they have a machine designed 

To make all our brains fried.

And then will all be a bride

I almost took a drink from the faucet, then remembered the poisoned Fluoride.

They were the cause of the bank slide.

An economic broadside

And rumors are that they are the reason Aunt Sally died.

The hammering of a nail was loud enough to wake the bleary-eyed.

The monstrous was seen Hanging something from which we were probably expected to abide

None of us went to bed that night. We just laid awake and cried.

Until dawn when we went outside

The monster had used a hammer and pried

A slat aside

To fix inside

A sign that said vote and help decide

Wordless

Best this caption

 

Hey, put that thing back in your pants and slowly back away

Monday Question

 If you could pick out your own Halloween costume what would it be?

Ruby's Answer - a queen, preferably Elsa the snow queen

Ruby's Sunday Funnies

 

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.

After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”

“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!

Friday Fill-Ins

It is time for Friday Fill-ins. Ruby's fill-ins are in blue

I have been beautiful for a while now, and I couldn't stop it if I tried. Anything with a screen, except perhaps a window, bores me

Not paying attention to me for five minutes straight is my main criticism of the job my parents are doing. If I threw a Halloween party, it would include many gifts for me, the biggest one would be from you and the card inside would say f thank you for being a friend. Actually, I wouldn't throw a party for me, and here are my reasons. Why throw a party for yourself? Are you that pathetic? Are you that old? Are you that golden? You gotta throw a party for yourself? And not only do you throw your party for yourself, but yourself is the guest of honor. And you expect gifts. So if you had a party and you invited me over, the biggest gift would be for me, and the card inside would say, "Get over yourself." I'm grumpy now. I'm going to bed. P

Poetry Thursday

it is time for poetry thirsty hosted by my friend one spoiled cat who provided today's picture

In our house we were complete 

 A quiet neighborhood. Not a busy street.

 But then one day, new neighbors moved in 

 And we were left wondering what might have been. 

 Who moved in to cause us such woe? 

 Who despite the petitions of the neighbors, would not go.

 Was it the mob? The KKK? A terrorist group? 

 No, it was worse, an improv troop 

 My parents met them over the fence and mom offered a hand.

 The new lady shook it and said “yes and?” 

 Yes and what? my mother wondered. But then my dad's face grew white 

 “They are improv comics, run for your life.” My father shouted in fright.

 It did not take them long to begin their antics 

 Leaving us all so scared and frantic. 

 They stood in the street, stopping traffic, demanding that we be in their skit. 

 we even threw rotten fruit, but they didn't get deterred a bit. 

 They pretended to be prisoners on the lamb 

 They played fake instruments acting like a calypso band 

 They tried to recruit is for their sketches

 Who would deliver is from these comic wretches 

 My dad said we would never sell the house or be driven forced from our land by people led by a woman who spends half her day being milked like a cow

. Something has to give but how? 

 Then something happened to change my dad's mind for all time

. The comedy troupe built a shelter out back for their cousins, a group of French mimes.

 Obsessed my dad watched as a man pretended to be trapped in a box 

 He couldn't be stopped not even by the cops 

 When they ruined our backyard pretending to do motocross 

 My dad said he would sell the house even at a loss

 My father was first to move out in the spring 

 And sold the house to a group of bearded ladies who could not sing. 

 Soon everywhere there were clowns, clowns, mimes and fools for as far as you could see. 

 And that is when they changed the name of the neighborhood to Washington, D.C.