Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

  

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" 
Man: "Yes!" 
Reporter: "Name?" 
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." 
Reporter: "Sex?" 
Man: "Three to five times a week." 
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" 
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." 
Reporter: "Holy cow!" 
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." 
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" 
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." 
Reporter: "Oh dear!" 
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

A man follows a woman out of a movie theater, who has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?”

“Yes,” she replied, “I found it very unusual. He hated the book!”

Friday Fill ins

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in blue

1 Being too short to reach the air conditioner temperature control is a first world problem I have.

2. I’ll never understand why so many people enjoy sex - what a terrible thing to do to a bed

3. My sense of humor would be best described as solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short

4. I think schools should teach humans how to properly care for dogs, and not to make us attend stressful training classes and perform unnecessary, and unnatural tasks like “leave it” next to discount ferrets at the big box pet store

Poetry Thursday

  

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to enjoy

Suzy thought her dad was a superhero because he wore a cape

Her mother told her that her dad stole her bike because he was too lazy to walk down the road to vape

And that he didn't wear a cape to impress

But liked to squeeze himself into mommy’s dress

His neighbors considered him crazed zealot

Because he rode on a tiny bike with a pink helmet

 With a pink top and skirt to match

He gave the neighbors a reason to look for a new flat.

Suzy said he rode off to fight crime

Her mom said if the crime was uphill they would get away because her dad could not climb

Suzy said the villains feared him

Her mom was worried Suzy and her dad were equally dim

Suzy’s mom didn’t know how much longer she could put up with his idiosyncraties

And his belief in conspiracies 

She had vowed to death do their part

But did that mean staying with someone who got trespassed for riding his bike in the produce mart

One day into town came the O’Brien gang

And where they went crime did reign

With little trouble they chased off the police force

And took over the town as a matter of course

Only one man stood between the town and ruin

And their ignoring the constitution 

Suzy’s dad rode up on his bike

And the O’Brien gang who a Gypsy had told could only be defeated by a grown man in a pink dress on a bike ran in fright

Suzy hugged her dad, a man who was truly super

Who chased off the gang like a shark scared by Matt Hooper

And Suzy’s mom no longer thought her husband was a zero 

But a true hero

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

“Let them learn an instrument,” you said, “it will give them culture,” you said.  Does this sound like culture to you?

Monday Question

When was the last time your food was changed

 Ruby's answer: I have been eating Blue Buffalo lamb almost since I arrived here. They tried to change it to Canidae, but I was having none of it. Since the end of last year. I am eating Ollie Pork and apple for wet food—that seems to be the one I like the most.

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another fellow and immediately notices that the guy has a very large disposable Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says: "Wow, cool lighter. Where did you get it?"

The second guy replies: "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?" the first guy asks.

"Sure," the second guy replies.

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish," says the genie.

The first guy says: "I want a million bucks!"

"Done," says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by, and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring in.

"I can't believe this," says the first guy: "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy turns to him and says: "Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?”

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied.

"You'd never get it all in one

A guy walked into a doctor's office, and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, and an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes, and wait for the doctor.

An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"