Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program. 
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. 
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." 
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." 

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...". 

 

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"

Friday Fill Ins

 

It’s Friday Fill In time. My fill ins are in capitals

I LEAVE PEE MAIL SAYING MY DAD IS IN THE EPSTEIN FILES just for fun

I am tired of seeing COMMERCIALS FOR ROYAL KINGDOM. THERE IS SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS HERE. THEY CAN PAY CELEBRITIES FOR ENDORSEMENTS, WITH NO VISIBLE SOURCE OF INCOME. I THINK IT IS A SQUIRREL PLOT TO GET OUR NUTS. IF I DISAPPEAR AFTER POSTING THIS TELL MY STORY

I once had the crazy idea TO PEE ON A MOVING ELEVATOR TO SEE IF IT WOULD FLOAT and I was right.

I spoke too soon when I said that COOKIE FLECK WOULD BE THE LAST PHOTO SHOWN IN THE “IN MEMORIUM” SEGMENT AT THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW AND I THINK IT WAS AN UNFORGIVABLE SNUB

Poetry Thursday

 

 My friends Angel Sammys and Teddys Pawetatonhave provided the picture below to inspire our poetry

Chip was the United States eating champ

He could put away ten pounds of food than swim with a cramp

He was so famous he was on both a postal and food camp

For a new challenge from the States he must decamp

*

In Germany he ate five pounds of Brautwurst

And though his intestines would burst

In an English town called Worster

He ate Stoat Pies until he had to ask where the bathrooms were at

**

In Scotland he won a contest eating corn

In Switzerland he ate a sheep, even the horn

He was thrown a parade, not bad for a foreign born

And claimed in the woods he ran down and ate a unicorn

***

It was all leading up to the greatest challenge in the country beyond the wall

A place where many visiting eater did fall

So he announced in his southern drawl

That he would take part in Bejing’s famous All You Can Eat Brawl

****

Chip arrived at the contests and there was more food than he had ever seen

There was fish, steak and six kinds of beans

There was pork, chicken, and prime beef cooked lean

And a huge pot of coffee for little needed caffiene

*****

The home town rooters didn’t think Chip had a chance

And he needed a bigger pair of pants

But Chip had a plan in advance

He ate, then stopped and went into a five minute trance

*******

Soon Chip was the only one eating have outlasted the other men

And finished the last dish, chicken with cayman

After winning the competition Chip was asked about his strategy and to explain

And Chip said he had remembered no matter how much Chinese food he agreed in five minutes he would be hungry again.

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

While people remained skeptical of the self driving car the self walking dog was a big hit

Monday Question

 Do you stare at your parents for no reason and what do they do when you’re doing it?

I stare at them and they laugh at me. It would be very emasculating if I was ever emasculated. 

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately, the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise. Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wrapped a pair of panties and sent them to the young man's sweetheart along with the following note which he had written.

Darling: 
I have been trying desperately to come up with a special gift for your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but since your sister wears the short ones which are so easy to remove, I wanted to get the same style for you.

Two drunken Irishmen in a graveyard.

Paddy starts reading the gravestones.

"Mick" he says;

Would you look at this, a feller here who was 90 when he died!"

"Who's that?" says Mick.

"Somebody called O'Toole from Kerry," he replies.

Mick says, "Never mind him, there's a feller here called Murphy, was 99 when he died! From Castletown of all places!

"Well thats nothing!" says Paddy.

"What about what written on this feller's stone, here right beside the gate!"

"The stone says 147!" 

"147? thats amazing!" says Mick.

"Who was he?"

"Well according to the stone, its somebody called Miles to Dublin

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too”