Poetry Thursday

 

Jane was happy when she got the job at Bird's Eye,

 but then she learned that to get to the training she would have to fly.

 Convinced that if she got on a plane she would die,

 Jane began to cry

When she could not decline

she went online

to find the safest airline, 

and when she found the right one, she felt divine.

Jane was not good at details

And thought it was cute the airline’s name was Never Fail

And she barely read the confirmation email

She got to the airport early to have fortifying cocktail

She looked towards the runway and there was a sight that caused her a fit of coughs

There was an airplane being dragged by a group of dwarfs

She asked the bartender what was happening and he said, “That's Never Fair airlines, of course.

The flight crew has to pull the plane because they forgot the horse.

Jane said she chose the airline because they never had a crash.

He told her our decision-making may have been a little rash.

They had never crashed because they never got off the ground for more than a flash

The dwarf pilot could never get airborne because he could not see over the dash.

Jane realized she had made a big mistake

To hell with the job it was an exit she had to partake

Then the flight crew entered and picked Jane up like she was a piece of cake.

And before she knew it, the flight had taken off after they released the handbrake.

After the training, Jane returned home and wrote a report.

The crew made the flight without the need to abort.

But she was still going to sue the airlines in court

Because upon landing on the runway, the dwarf pilot was a little short.

Wordless Wednesday.

 

Beat This Caption

 

And mommy got in bed and lay down like this. Then Uncle Jack  climbed on top of her. And then, hey Dad, are you listening? I cannot believe you fell asleep. I have not even got to the butt stuff yet.

Monday Question

 What is your initial response when your parents have been gone a long time? (Anything over five minutes is a long time.) 

When they open the door after being gone. I am either in a chair or on the back of the couch, surveying the grounds. I turn toward them and give them an aloof look, like I cannot quite place them. I can usually hold on for thirty seconds until I begin jumping down and attacking their legs with my paws and try to knock them over as I succumb to complete joy and a touch of revenge.

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.

A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

P

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "...you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".

"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.

"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.

The evidece clear.Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up".

"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

"Saint Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight.

"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me."

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:

"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!"

Friday Fill Ins. On Sunday Morning

• Eating sparks my creativity. If you have a problem that needs a creative solution, feed me. I will help. Having problems with the old straight of Hormuz? Give me a milk bone, I will see what I can do. Having trouble with your love life? You are one sausage away from living happily ever after.
• Blah, blah, blah zaps my energy. You know what blah blah blah is? They are any words my parents say that are not "good girl," "it's dinner time," "you look cute," "let's go for a ride," or "let's go for a walk"? My entire day is made up of eat, blah, blah,blah walk, blah, blah blah, ride blah, blah,blah. It is very taxing.
• My dream meal would have anything my parents are eating. I am fascinated by what they are eating. I jump up on a chair and into their laps and stare at their food. I lift their arms with my head to get to the plate. I am relentless. And they tell me to stop, but all I hear is blah, blah, blah.
• I am supposed to say the silliest way that I hurt myself, but I do not hurt myself. I cannot. My parents hover over me every step. If I burp, they are on the internet looking for what is wrong. If I do not burp, they worry that I have developing indigestion. They keep talking it over, endlessly. All I hear is -blah, blah, blah.

Poetry Thursday

 

It's the first day of school

The first day with no lounging at the pool

The first day without staying on the corner playing the fool

The first day with having to follow the rules

It isn’t even Memorial Day

Why do we start too early, I had no say

I just want to go out and play

I  asked God to postpone this day, I guess no one listens when I pray

I tell you it's not fair

Life is not meant to be spent sitting in a chair

Being told what to wear

Or to experience such despair 

I was used to getting up at the crack of noon

Midnight to be howling at the moon

Promising to be home soon

Oh how I will miss the sunsets in early june

I got up this morning when the alarm did ring

It was still dark out I couldn't see a thing

I dreaded what the day would bring

And didn't have the energy to tie my shoestring 

They he said I would be able to see my old friends once more. 

People I spent the entire summer trying to ignore.

The stupid, the loud mouths, and the all out bores

Talking with them is another school chore.

Having lost all hope, I told my son to let my leg go.

I am a teacher and I owe.

And so begins my fall, winter, and spring of woe.

How I am going to put up with these screaming whiny kids for another year, I do not know.