Ruby's Sunday Funnies

 

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.

After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”

“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!

Friday Fill-Ins

It is time for Friday Fill-ins. Ruby's fill-ins are in blue

I have been beautiful for a while now, and I couldn't stop it if I tried. Anything with a screen, except perhaps a window, bores me

Not paying attention to me for five minutes straight is my main criticism of the job my parents are doing. If I threw a Halloween party, it would include many gifts for me, the biggest one would be from you and the card inside would say f thank you for being a friend. Actually, I wouldn't throw a party for me, and here are my reasons. Why throw a party for yourself? Are you that pathetic? Are you that old? Are you that golden? You gotta throw a party for yourself? And not only do you throw your party for yourself, but yourself is the guest of honor. And you expect gifts. So if you had a party and you invited me over, the biggest gift would be for me, and the card inside would say, "Get over yourself." I'm grumpy now. I'm going to bed. P

Poetry Thursday

it is time for poetry thirsty hosted by my friend one spoiled cat who provided today's picture

In our house we were complete 

 A quiet neighborhood. Not a busy street.

 But then one day, new neighbors moved in 

 And we were left wondering what might have been. 

 Who moved in to cause us such woe? 

 Who despite the petitions of the neighbors, would not go.

 Was it the mob? The KKK? A terrorist group? 

 No, it was worse, an improv troop 

 My parents met them over the fence and mom offered a hand.

 The new lady shook it and said “yes and?” 

 Yes and what? my mother wondered. But then my dad's face grew white 

 “They are improv comics, run for your life.” My father shouted in fright.

 It did not take them long to begin their antics 

 Leaving us all so scared and frantic. 

 They stood in the street, stopping traffic, demanding that we be in their skit. 

 we even threw rotten fruit, but they didn't get deterred a bit. 

 They pretended to be prisoners on the lamb 

 They played fake instruments acting like a calypso band 

 They tried to recruit is for their sketches

 Who would deliver is from these comic wretches 

 My dad said we would never sell the house or be driven forced from our land by people led by a woman who spends half her day being milked like a cow

. Something has to give but how? 

 Then something happened to change my dad's mind for all time

. The comedy troupe built a shelter out back for their cousins, a group of French mimes.

 Obsessed my dad watched as a man pretended to be trapped in a box 

 He couldn't be stopped not even by the cops 

 When they ruined our backyard pretending to do motocross 

 My dad said he would sell the house even at a loss

 My father was first to move out in the spring 

 And sold the house to a group of bearded ladies who could not sing. 

 Soon everywhere there were clowns, clowns, mimes and fools for as far as you could see. 

 And that is when they changed the name of the neighborhood to Washington, D.C.

ithout Words

 

Beat This Caption

 

Happy Halloween? I don't think so. I'm like this all night.

Monday Question

 How many tags do you wear and what are they for?

Not my real tag. I'm not friendly

Ruby’s answer - five. 

1.  My parents name and number

2.  Rabies tag

3. Dog license

4. Chip ID

5.  Rose tag from a friend

Ruby Sunday Funnies

 

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

 

You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"