Ruby’s Sunday funnies

There's a boat sinking out at sea with men, women and children on it, along with a minister, a rabbi, and a priest.
The minister said, "Oh my god, will somebody think of the children."

The rabbi said, "f ck the children."

The priest said, "Do we have time?"

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

A couple had been married for 35 years and were also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would grant each of them one wish.

The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I am." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.

Friday fil” in

 

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in blue

My summer bucket list includes eating, snacking, sleeping, napping, scratching, itching, howling, barking—I pretty much had it all covered by noon time on Sunday.

Last summer was one of best summers I ever had. I   have only had five of them. They all sort of run together.

I am getting ready for the long hot summer by shedding as much fur as I can all over the house and especially on the blue comforter :on the bed, which is now ruby red.

Listening to the toilet flush immediately makes me want to pee.

Poetry Thursday

 

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to enjoy

Otto hated to travel by plane

When it came to the ring, he did reign

But flying made him insane

He couldn't fit through the doors and had to access the fuselage via crane

Paul loved to fly

If he crashed, it was his idea of a great way to die

He got so much done on a flight that it was hard to quantify

And the airline served the best Shepard’s Pie

The only way Otto could go

Was if he sat in the front row

Or strapped down in cargo

His agent got his seat in row one, where he could relax and sip his merlot

Much to his surprise, when Otto boarded, he found a little dude in the first seat

And said to Paul, “You’re in the wrong seat, meat”

And Paul replied that there was no mystique

The airline gave him the seat when a doctor said he needed to stretch his feet

Otto was told to sit by a member of the crew

And the big man squeezed into row two

Like an elephant in a canoe

 Before take off, Paul told Otto to sit up straight, and he could feel Otto’s knees coming through

Then Paul tilted back

And Otto felt like he was in a rack

Then Paul began snoring like a Gatling gun attack

And Paul had a flashback of being crushed by Haystack

At the end of the flight, Otto woke up with a grin

With his legs spread out like a kingpin

And he hoped it certainly  was no sin

When Otto threw Paul out the window over Brooklyn

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Hey, Mommy

Get away from that curtain

. I do not want your claws ripping it. 

It is not too much fun to be on the other end of the squirt bottle is it?

Monday Question

 You have lovely nails; who does them?

Ruby’s Answer:  My groomer does them

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

Just in from CNN, the Parks Department announced today that they know why the reflecting pool is filled with algae. It seems the pump don’t work because the vandal took the handle. Police are looking for one Robert Zimmerman, described as a short, thin, Jewish beatnik poet who was last seen blowing in the wind.

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma."Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

While living in Denver the weatherman said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week he said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. Willie’s wife said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” Willie