Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

 

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees.
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
“You’ve given me one too many” I said
“That one is a freebie.”

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

Friday Friendly Fill ins

 

It's Friday Fill-in time, posted by one spoiled cat and 15 Meowing. Ruby's fill-ins are underlined.

• I skimp on clothes. I don't wear clothes, so I do more than skimp on them. I skamp. My sisters Foley and Pocket used to wear clothes, and I think River did once, but I'll pass. Thank you. You don't put clothes on Michelangelo's David, and you don't put clothes on the most beautiful girl in the world.
• ,I tend to save on Netflix. I'm not the one who pays for it, but I watch it. Frankly, I don't have any idea what's going on, but I still watch it. I watched to see ifEmu and Jeff turned  up. I hate Emu and Jeff. I have a fatwa against Emu and Jeff. Anyway, I've digressed. I like to Netflix and chill. My parents watch Network, and I chill under a blanket.
• I've nearly perfected myself. I'm not sure what I can do to reach perfection. I may be there already. But I think a new hairstyle or some eyeliner might do it. Who am I kidding? I'm just a natural beauty.
• I need to find a better way to take over the world. I know, it's hard to take over the world when you sleep 16 hours a day because there's so much going on. My motto: sleep softly and chew on a big stick. I don't know if that'll get me world domination, but it sounds good on a bumper sticker.

Wordless

 

Beat This Caption

Tony Montana’s little seen cat Chi Chi

Monday Question

If your pet could say one thing to you what would it be?

Ruby’s Answer - “don’t leave.”

Ruby Sunday Funnies

 

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror.”

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,

'I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.'

The Pope says, 'No way. You can't do that.'

The Queen says, 'Watch this.' So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union jacks on sticks and cheering and basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, 'Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.'

So he thinks for a minute and then he turns to her and says, 'I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.'

The Queen says, 'No way. It can't be done.'

So the Pope head butts her. nd Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,

'I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.'

The Pope says, 'No way. You can't do that.'

The Queen says, 'Watch this.' So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union jacks on sticks and cheering and basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, 'Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.'

So he thinks for a minute and then he turns to her and says, 'I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.'

The Queen says, 'No way. It can't be done.'

So the Pope head butts her.

Friday Fill-ins

 

It's Friday Fill-in time, posted by one spoiled cat and 15 Meowing. Ruby's fill-ins are underlined.

1. Never have I ever listened when told to stop barking. I would listen, but I can't hear over that incessant annoying barking.

2. My September to do list includes finding my August to-do list and completing it. But that's a lot of work. It will probably keep till October..

3. I wouldn’t mind hosting a poop Jenga game night party. That is when we all poop in the same big pile, and then one by one remove stools. The one who falls in the poop loses.

4 I am always curious about other people’s butts. No two smell the same. And the smell lingers. If humans allowed us to smell a murder scene and then walk around town until we found the murderer, there would be no unsolved crimes. Or they could make them all stand for a poop-up, and I'd smell their butts to find the guilty culprit.