Ruby's Two Day Late Funnies

 

a young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer looked into the distance and warmed to his task

Once, I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,” he began: “I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly, the largest tiger I've ever seen in my life leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find my gun bearer had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

“Under those circumstances, sir, I think anyone would have done the same," the reporter said.

The old explorer replied: "No, not then -– just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'”

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

Fill In Friday on Saturday (Actually Sunday morning)

It is time for Friday Fill-ins. Ruby's fill-ins are capitalized while the small letters are written by Four Legged Fur Balls and 15 and Meowing

1. My November to do list includes NOTHING. ARE YOU KIDDING? LAST MONTH WAS OCTOBER AND HALLOWEEN AND DECEMBER IS CHRISTMAS. I NEED TO DECOMPRESS. IF MY PARENTS WERE HAVING THANKSGIVING HERE IT WOULD BE A DIFFERENT STORY. THEN I WOULD HAVE TO WORK ON MY POUNCE AND EAT TECHNIQUE TO BEAT THAT SPECIAL NEEDS KID WHO RIDES THE SHORT BUS AND WHOSE PARENTS STICK UNDER THE TABLE BECAUSE HE SAYS HE LIKES IT

2. ROCK’N’ROLL NEVER disappoints. WAIT.  ROCK’N’ROLL NEVER FORGETS. I REALIZED I WAS WRONG WHEN I HEARD THE NEW HO ALBUM. TALK ABOUT DISAPPOINTING. I DON’T WANT 80 YEAR-OLDS MAKING MY MUSIC, I WANT THEM MAKING MY LAWS.

3. If I haven't GIVEN A DAMN by this time of the year, then IN THE WORDS OF JOHN OLIVER’S GENERAL HOSPITAL CHARACTER “IT AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN.” 

 4. I’m proud of myself for STAYING UP LATE ON THE COMPUTER AND FIGURING OUT A WAY TO HACK VOTING MACHINES TO FIX THE ELECTION FOR THE DEMOCRATS. MY FRIEND MURPHY TOLD ME I HAD GONE TOO FAR. ONCE MISSISSIPPI AND TEXAS WENT BLUE THE HUMANS WOULD REALIZE SOMETHING WAS AMISS. BUT I KNEW THEY WERE SO GUILLABLE THEY WOULD JUST ACCEPT THE RESULTS

 

Poetry Thursday

 

Tim was asked to go out with his coworkers after work

He had avoided drinking afraid it would make him even more of a jerk

But he had been eyeing the pretty new clerk

Even though all she did when he asked her out was smirk

He joined his coworkers at the bar

It wasn’t very far

Close enough he could leave his car

And sat next to the blonde near the pickle jar

He noticed the karaoke machine and asked her is she wanted to sing

Just declined and flashed her engagement ring

But the drink had made him persevering

And he suggested no one would know of they have a fling

The more he drank the more he persisted

And each thrust she resisted

Until her coworkers could tell she needed to be assisted

Offended by his advances they considered ham fisted

The men offered him a ride home

The women told her to leave her alone

But to no sins would he atone

And to the barkeep he asked to refresh the foam

 

Tim became very popular that night

Being bought drinks left and right

Until outside it was almost light

Which would usher in his plight

While sleeping he became aware

That his coworkers had dumped him in the woods, a sad end to the affair

Vengance to all of them Tim did declare

Then he rolled over and saw the bear

Beat this caption

 

So I get home from all day working at the factory and I go down to my hole and I discovered my wife Rita wearing a strap on and going to town on my neighbor Phil the gopher and I yell "hey cut this crap out and vacate my premises" and the wife tells me I an overeacting and throws me out of the hole I dug with these two paws. I tell you Larry I don't know what to do with this dame. Are you going to help me out just stand there and cringe?

Monday Question

 What is the longest you have worked on a single blog?

Ruby's answer. Breaking news: it was last night, and it took three hours to upload photos and copy jokes. But when I tried to upload things, I was told that I needed to sign in to his Google account and allow cookies. Well, this was a heck of a thing, because I was in my Google account

I was determined to fix the problem. I typed the problem into Google, and it gave me a list of steps to go through. They told me after several steps to open Privacy and Security and click on Cookies. Well, someone must have eaten those cookies, because there weren't any there. So back to Google I go. I tried another tactic, and the same thing happened after several steps.

So I got on Google Chat because no one knows it is dog texting with him, and only notice they have trouble hitting the B. I tried several things the chat man said. None of them worked. So the chat man said I had to go online and post a message I needed help. One of my fellow app users will help me. I asked why they couldn't help me further, and I was told they didn't know what was wrong. So Google, who knows every fact ever written. Who can take you back to the beginning of man. Who can explain symphonies to you? That is your lifeline. Yet, Google has no idea how Google operates.

Well, I could not upload anything that night, but then I had a thought. I opened another platform that can be used for blogs. I upload everything to it, organize it, then hit copy and paste. And my blog magically showed up. I hit publish, and though it looks a little raggedy the blog is sea worthy. And I had defeated the Google weasels by going around them.

It looks like I'm going to have to keep on outsmarting them

Ruby ‘s Sunday Funnies

 

  

man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

    

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

Friday Fill-ins

It is fill-in Friday hosted and developed by Two spoiled cats

On Halloween, I will help raise the dead to create an army so large and insurmountable that men will bow to us, and we will rule in the darkness for a thousand years. Honestly, I'll probably just nap, though.

When it comes to Halloween candy I will gladly trade my soul for more candy corn. 

If I had to wear one Halloween costume for an entire year, I would get a big blue suit, a big red tie, a big white shirt, and a big belly. And finally, my childhood dream of being a clown will be realized.

I am going to star as a dog who shows Freddy Krueger the meaning of love, gets him to stop haunting people and killing them in their sleep, and makes him start bringing them presents. It worked with Santa. It will be my first time starring in a scary movie