Foley: Yesterday was set to be a normal Saturday, sleep and snuggle late, get my scratches from Daddy while he sits on the floor on the computer throwing the green ball for Pocket, and then going to my blanket to lie in the sun while Mommy and Daddy run errands.
Pocket: And I have to go in my crate because I have a “peeing” problems and a “chewing” problem and a “Foley tries to kill me when we’re left alone” problem. So uncool.
Foley: But then it came time to leave instead of scooting us upstairs there were leashes grabbed, and talk about us going on a road trip. Much excited barking ensued.
Pocket: I thought we were going out for road kill. My mouth watered with anticipation at the thought of crushed squirrel over tar, possum and gravel, and the always delicious skunk a’la’car. But alas, it was only a car ride.
Foley: Pocket and I both have important jobs before car rides. We need to run, wiggle and squirm as much as possible so it is impossible to get us leashed, and once we are leashed, as we’re being carried, to push with our powerful little paws so we almost fall, or dart and spin as we walk the short distance to the car.
Pocket: We are then placed in the car. Foley has her own car seat, not one for puppies, but for babies, that she sits on and looks out the window. She doesn’t like me sitting there and snaps at me when I try. But that’s OK. I prefer to run back and forth between windows seeing if there is something more interesting on the other side.
Foley: Pocket has no idea how to ride in a car. She puts her back legs on the seat, and her front legs on to two front seats, and rides like Max coming down Mount Crumpit to return all the toys to the people of Whoville and their lessen known, uppity neighbors, Whomville.
Pocket: We came to a red light and that meant it was time for a red light challenge. A red light challenge is where you bark at as many cars as you can before the light turns green. I was able to get 23. I think that’s a personal record.
Foley: The first place we stopped was Lowe’s.
Pocket: I thought it was where you buy kibble and treats and squeaky toys. I think every store is where you buy kibble and treats and squeaky toys. Who needs anything else?
Foley: Pocket’s idea of what Lowes sold was ridiculous. Obviously it’s where humans go to rent a midget.
Pocket: Mommy got out of the car and Daddy stayed in it. They never leave us in the car alone because they are afraid we will get so excited we will explode all over the car.
Foley: Pocket and I barked and barked when Mommy walked into the store, because, while we play with Daddy, and love Daddy, we don’t exactly trust Daddy. It was Daddy’s family who kept the pilgrims from landing on a long strip of Plymouth Beach and had them smash into a rock instead so there could be a big hole in the side of the ship and they couldn’t go back.
Pocket: It didn’t take Foley long to start her bitching and kvetching about being scratched. Daddy was reading a magazine and at first he tried to stretch way back to pleasure her but his arm hurt, and I kept landing on it as I jumped from side to side. Then he pushed the seat back, which was not much easier. Finally, like a seldom used utility in an old building’s hallway the light finally alit in Daddy’s head and he brought Foley into the front seat with him.
Foley: Which is where I wanted to be. Duh!
Pocket: Then Daddy began reading to us from something called Entertainment Weekly how cats are becoming the new stars of the internet. I knew what was coming and put one leg over my ears and another over my eyes.
Foley: Cats! Stars of the internet! Are you kidding me! Why? Because they can play the piano? Big deal! Billy Joel can play the piano! Oh, and one of them jumps in and out of a box? God are humans that starved for entertainment? I bust my butt writing blogs; Hobo Hudson runs a company; Tabaatha is a top model; we have dozens of dogs providing countless hours of entertainment, and some Entertainment Weekly magazine says the new internet phenomenon is cats! Outrageous!
Pocket: Thankfully, at that moment, Mommy came out. Whenever Foley sees Mommy she forgets everything she is complaining about and starts barking and dancing.
Foley: Daddy put me back in my car seat. Mommy got back in the car. She had bought paint and flowers. They must have been out of midgets.
Pocket: We were moving again! I was back in position standing on the beat seat, resting my paws on the front, and when I looked in the rear view mirror I looked just like Chewbacca at the helm of the Millenium Falcon. Then Daddy stopped short and I fell.
Foley: I pushed the bitch.
Pocket: Daddy reached down and put me back in the seat and Mommy yelled at me because she didn’t want to see me turn into a real pocket rocket and go flying into the dashboard.
Foley: Shortly after Pocket was placed back next to me we stopped again. Mommy took a piece of paper out of her purse and told Daddy to sign his “check.” He scribbled his name and then she got out of the car. Pocket and I barked for her to take us (because of that whole trust issue thing we have) but she didn’t. She did some magic in the glass booth and came back with a handful of money, and she didn’t give none of that money to Daddy.
Pocket: I am so happy I have the same parts as Mommy because it seems like when you have parts like Daddy you get the short end of the stick.
Foley: Believe me, she’s right, short end of the stick. Very short.
Pocket: Then it was a quick trip to Target. Mommy got out of the car again and I jumped into the front seat to go with her but Daddy placed his hand down on me so I couldn’t move.
Foley: Daddy showed he can learn. He picked me up and put me in his lap, and Pocket climbed next to me, and we watched Mommy go into Target.
Pocket: There were windows in front of us and behind us and on our sides and my head kept whipping around there was so much to see.
Foley: I don’t know what they sell in Target but after watching people come and go I think it’s mismatched clothes for overweight people.
Pocket: I jumped over to the passenger’s seat, and then decided to jump over that into the back seat.
Foley: I saw her, she hit the headrest and bounced right back in place on all fours. And then she did it again, and she slipped between the headrest and the top of the car as pretty as anything you ever did see.
Pocket: After that I got a little cocky and decided to jump behind the back seat on to the little ledge there. I did that too. And I had a great view. And then I realized. It was hot, hot, hot, hot back there and jumped back down on the seat and began licking my scorching pads.
Foley: Attention Target shoppers there is an adorable dog sitting in his Daddy’s lap in the handicapped spot outside the store. Someone must have made that announcement because people were flocking to the car like there was some sort of vision mud splattered on it’s side. I did my best, smiling and panting, but sometimes a girl gets tired, and the sun was shining strong in the window, so I just lay down in Daddy’s lap.
Pocket: I was still running back and forth for the people, but after awhile they all look alike to me, and the windows were shut so there wasn’t much to smell.
Foley: Finally Mommy came back and I went back to my seat and I let Pocket snuggle next to me. We fell asleep on the way home. No wonder Mommy are Daddy are so tired all the time. Running errands is hard.
Pocket: We stopped and I began running around the back seat excitedly wondering what strange new place we had arrived at.
Foley: We were home.
Pocket: That’s right. Smelled familiar.
Foley: Mommy took us out of the car and we both peed.
Pocket: Then I went in and peed again.
Foley: She did. I was there.
Pocket: Mommy got upset. You’d think she’d be used to it by now.
Foley: Go figure.
Pocket: Then we both climbed on Mommy’s lap and slept the rest of the day.
Foley: Shoppin’ ain’t easy.