Recently Mommy and Daddy got a dog. I wasn’t consulted in this decision. After Foley went to the Bridge I figured it would be a long time before Mommy got a dog and it would be just the three of us living in dog less bliss.
But then they went out and got a dog. I asked why. Were they unhappy with my work? Shouldn’t there have been some sort of written warning? I filed paperwork to talk with my HR representative but was foiled when I learned said person was Mommy.
Now I want to protect my other friends whose parents may go out and unexpectedly get a dog without their permission. Please take note to expect the following:
1) You will be expected to share your food. No one else in the home will have to share food, just you, so, if you hear that there may be a dog in the house, find a special place to stash food, then hide some between your cheek and gum and when no one is looking spit it into your special place so when the new dog comes you will still have food.
2) Try to fatten up Mommy. You are going to have to share lap room and only the Lord and Lil’ Debbie can make more lap.
3) Hide your balls. River puts mine in her mouth and runs around with them while I bark “bring me back my ball.”
4) Get your naps in when you can. New dogs tend to bark at everything and you find yourself barking right along with them, not knowing why. It makes you question your sanity.
5) Get used to sharing your toys. A dog will come in and take your toys and if you try to protect them your Mommy will side with the dog. It’s a raw deal.
6) Those nice walks you went on? Forever altered. Now there is going to be a pulling, stalling, crapping embarrassment walking next to you with no respect for your personal space.
7) Get ready for the stink of pee pads that will be placed over the many spots that you left your stinky pe.
8) Your outside pee area will become desecrated. Once you get it marked just how you want it, the dog is going to come over and put their pee on it, and you are going to have to swallow a lot of drool to create more pee.
9) Dogs always want to play. This is annoying. We just want to sleep and the dogs are in our face barking at us. Find yourself a special place to lie down and relax so you are not driven crazy by them
10) This new dog will soon be your best friend and your worst enemy. You will curl up with it, play with it, eat with it, and team up with it to trick your parents out of extra treats, but don’t turn you back on it. You never know when the next bite in the butt is coming from.