Thursday, June 9, 2016
River Song and the Living Mink Coat
Pocket and Odie have been holding top level meetings every day. They discuss ideas to raise kibble. They developed a million cookie plan and put me in charge.
Humans, if they are like our parents, get very upset when they see people wearing coats made from animal fur. But other humans find them luxurious. Pocket and Odie have discovered a compromise: Live animal fur coats.
Because they are thinkers and I am a dog of action I was put in charge of this exciting project. My first step was to hire my dog friends to catch, but not kill, cute little vermin with shiny fur.
In our first two weeks we went zero days without an accident. It is terribly difficult to teach dogs, who are bred to catch and kill, to catch and release, in a cage, where the vermin can happily live. Each day we increased the numbers of captures and decreased the number of fatalities. I had the dogs upload their catch to me.
When the vermin would downloaded to mommy’s computer she was very displeased to have a furry lap. Mommy insisted that we set them free but Pocket convinced her to give me a chance training them. We herded the vermin into our shed
That is where I put my expertise to use. I had taken a course in vermin training at Trump University. I ordered dozen of corduroy jackets and over several weeks I trained the vermin to stay on the jackets like that thing stays on Trump’s head.
Before we launched the jacket on the market we needed real life experience. We asked Mommy to wear the jacket on our walk. She balked because it was 86 degrees and the jacket was covered with rats. But she believes in our endeavours and, after several shots of tequila, we were on our way.
The first day things did not go as planned. Two minutes into our walk a group of dogs saw Mommy’s jacket, jumped her, removed the jacket, and carried it off.
I really a going to miss those rats.
The second day Mr. Whitikar was sitting on a bench in his yard sorting his nuts when the vermin left the jacket and attacked Mr. Whitikar. Neither he, nor his nuts, will be the same again.
I was very upset. Maybe the problem wasn’t with my Trump University education. Another class action suit I have to withdraw from.
Please send me more vermin. I have to train them how not to smell. And how not to be smelled. I know I can do it.
Look for our line sometime around Christmas.
(Which Christmas is still in question.)
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