Ask Aunt Foley

Dear Aunt Foley:  Our Mom is very busy this time of year.  She works with humans in preparing their taxes.  There are all sorts of deductions for children, medicine, charity, but none for us dogs.  We are humans’ angels on Earth and do more for them than any medication or doctor can do to fulfill and repair their soul.  Why is there no deduction for their expenses taking care of us? - The Triple T’s.

Dear Triple T’s:  Once again the answer is simple stupid shortsightedness.  Most humans (not the “crazy” ones who read this blog) only think of worth in monetary terms.  They put great value on the money that they make and spend without realizing that the only thing of value adds to their emotional wealth.   Fortunately for our humans you can’t tax love.  But you should be able to claim what you love on your taxes because nothing is more important than love.

There are few things as emotionally taxing on humans as us pups getting sick.  They spend thousands to keep us, and our love, with them.  All this money should be tax deductible because a happy, loved human is a more productive human and productive humans are good for the economy.

Taking care of us angels of Earth is the noblest act a human can do.  We are expensive little buggers.  Keeping love alive is always a costly proposition.  If the powers that be were smart they would recognize the importance of love and give a big deduction for those who cultivate it.  

Instead tax breaks are wasted on Cayman Island bank accounts and Donald Trumps wig.

Wordless Wednesday

Are you ready for some Doga? A Foley Monster Blog

Recently Mommy’s doctor told her that she was considered totally disabled.  She had been working her way towards being totally disabled for awhile, she put in a lot of years of pain and not training to get there. She still gets around in short bursts, she isn’t confined to a wheelchair, or in need of a walker, and she does have one of those cool placards that let you park wherever you want.

To try to head off being disabled Mommy used to do yoga.  I would lie next to her on the mat and growl at Pocket whenever she tried to interrupt.  Now, to fight the arthritis that is disabling her Mommy has ordered a yoga CD for people with advanced arthritis.  But she won’t have me there to ward off Pocket, and as for River, she lives for human touch, so I doubt Mom will hit the mat before River is snuggled next to her, licking her hand.

But then I learned about something that could help both River and Mommy.  Humans are now taking doggie yoga classes, or “doga.”  Oh humans, the silly misinformed bastards who do so much for us.

The classes are described as an hour of quality time filled with petting, looking into each other’ eyes, and cuddling.  And this is a class!  Sold to humans to provide benefit for us!  Oh if I was of the Earthly realm I would give this brilliant charlatan a kiss.

An instructor said: “Some dogs have to do some gentle poses but most of the time they’re just hanging out snuggling.”   So humans are paying other humans to hang out with us and snuggle.  This is the closest thing to dog prostitution I have ever heard of.  One instructor said:  “Dogs are natural healers and it’s nice to bring them onto our mats and incorporate them into such a healing practice.”  I read the same thing on a website for teenage Russian Brides.  These are not yoga instructors.  They are puppy pimps!

Here are some common dogs positions:

• Chaturanaga: Your dog lies on his/her stomach while you stroke their back.  (Well Mom if you insist, and if it’s for your own good, I will do it, but it’s going to be so hard for me to lie next to  you while you stroke me.)
• Chair: You hold your dog from behind while it’s in the sitting position and raise the front paws in the air.  (You better buy a treat for me first, sailor.)
• Inner Dog Mudra: Rest your forehead on your dog’s forehead and connect the energy of your minds. (Daddy does this.  Mommy tells him he is crazy. And he is, because he should have got a patent on it.)

So grab a hold of your Mom and get her to a Doga class now.  It may not be good for them, or their pocketbooks, but it will definitely be good for you, and when we’re happy Mom’s happy so yoga away! 

Jessie is Our April 6, 2014 Pup of the Week

This week we salute a long time friend who was innocently walking along when near tragedy struck, a heroic Mom, and a beautiful angel, all three no strangers to this blog.

Our friend Jessie and her family are still recovering from Willie (The Dog Who Said No) who joined me at the Bridge a few months ago.  Willie led them to the perfect brother for Jessie, Roscoe, who, despite the bumps all families go through when a new member joins, was fitting in perfectly in his new family, and new love was being created in his pack’s hearts that had been destroyed when Willie departed.

But, on the mortal side of the Bridge there is always danger lurking, even in your own neighborhood, and even when you are doing something as innocent as taking a walk.

That’s what Jessie and her Mom were doing.  Taking a peaceful morning walk like we all do, if lucky, and that’s when two pit bulls came flying out a front door, down the steps, and straight towards Jessie and his Mom with malice in their hearts.

Like me take this moment for a brief aside:  While Jessie and her Mom were attacked by two pitties the pitties were just the tool used in the attack.  One of them was a female in heat, the other a male under full effect of a female in heat.  It is common for any dog to attack when they think there is either a threat to their mate, or to their position as mate.  In such instances intelligent humans make sure both dogs are kept out of danger and away from other dogs for their protection and that of other dogs.  But the humans who owned these pitties did none of that, so, while the pitties did the attacking, it was actually the pet parents who caused it.  End of aside.

Jessie went into a submissive position, a wise choice given the ferocity closing in towards hers, signalling to them that she was no threat.  But a lollipop in full heat and a mate protecting his red rocket launching pad weren’t taking chances.  They lunged at Jessie’s throat, an action, like the firing of a gun at close range, means certain death.

There are two reactions Moms can have in the milliseconds before death strikes their babies, frozen in shock, or self sacrifice, and her automatic response was the latter, grabbing Jessie, dragging her baby towards her and trying to cover her.  If the out of control pitties were going to kill her baby they would have to chew through her to do so.

The dogs were biting, growling, thrashing and gnashing at our friends.  At that point a third dog joined in, attacking Jessie and her Mom. Jessie was struggling too, exposing her neck, her most vulnerable point.  The pitties owners, having created and left unprotected killing machines, came outside yelling at the dogs and punching them (a training class to get your dog to come when called:  $100.  You can train a parent to make their dog come but you can’t train a human to stop being stupid.)

Other humans came running as Jessie’s Mom kept screaming no while praying that somehow her baby was surviving the attack.  The pitties were then pulled off and brought into their own personal hell house.  Jessie’s Mom checked her and found no wounds, no blood (although later she would find two puncture wounds and have to take Jess to the vet to get them cleaned.)  The pittie’s Mom defended her dogs as being kind and sweet.  I am sure they were when they came to her home, but they aren’t any longer.  Someone had called the police and they took a report.  Hopefully the pitties can be saved and brought into a home where they can be properly trained.

Jessie is showing no after effects from the attack.  Her Mom hurt her knee, and wrenched her back but the largest wounds were to her psyche, as any Moms would be.

How did Jessie and her Mom survive being attacked by three angry pit bulls?  There is only one answer:  Angel Willie helped protect her Mom and his sister, keeping those sharp teeth away from them, pulling off another Willie Miracle in a string of Willie Miracles.

So say a prayer of thanks to Willie and the Angels that his Mom and Jessie weren’t badly hurt, and pray for those pitties too and they can be removed from their careless humans and be allowed to have a normal life where they are agents of love the way dogs should be and not death.

And pray for safe walks for all of us.

Dear Aunt Foley

Dear Aunt Foley: How does one respond (if at all,) to the "non-believers" among our family and friends who question the mental stability of our devoted humans who share our canine musings, accomplishments, insecurities and pictures with other like minded folks on the internet? Katie & Cassie~Angel

Dear Katia and Cassie-Angel:  Non-believers is a very proper term.  The connection between dogs and humans is very spiritual.  Just like some humans can’t find faith in a higher being, others can neither establish, or believe in, the connection between dogs and men.  You should never get angry at these people.  They should be pitied because they are missing out on so much good in their lives.

I originally had a plan to bring these non-believers around.  I gathered a group of zealous Water Dogs who believed as strongly as I did that humans should put their dogs every thought online to last throughout eternity.  I charged the dogs to track down all the non believers and use every tactic possible to convince them to believe.  I called them the Spanish Water Dog Inquisition.  

Let’s just skip to the end of that experiment...it wasn’t a very good idea, and there are still lots of apology notes I have to write.  Turns out anything with Inquisition in it is bad.  But my heart was in the right place….like Dick Cheney.  So, everyone has the right to their own opinion and if people believe that it is strange to put our musings on the Internet they have the right to do so even if they are incredibly wrong and stupid.

And when those Spanish Water Dogs who I haven’t been able to track down take over the world all parents who devote their Internet time to their dogs shall inherit the Earth.

Wordless Wednesday Throwback Edition

River catches her doppelganger

During the first week living in my now beloved forever home I noticed, and blogged about, another Griffon living in the looking glass above my Mom’s armoire.  I barked at it, it barked at me.  I lifted my head, it lifted it’s head.  Not only was it in my house it was mocking me.  

Mommy told me I was being silly.  It was not another Griffon, it was a “Reflection.”  Well it sure looked like a Griffon to me.  But she told me to ignore it, and we were still at that stage where she was trying to find out what kind of dog I was, and I was desperately trying not to get sent back to Florida, so I learned to ignore this “Reflection.”

And I did, until I was firmly ensconced in my parent’s hearts.  It didn’t take me long, but I still waited for the right moment.  It was a rainy March morning.  Mommy and Daddy were sleeping in late. I popped my head out from beneath the covers, saw the “Reflection,” made sure my parents were in a deep sleep, then ran across the bed and attacked.

I flew through the looking glass and landed on a bed just like mine, with a sleeping Pocket, Mommy and Daddy.  But my reflection was awake.  “What are you doing?” it asked.

“I have come to take you back to my side of the mirror and prove that you are real.”

“But...but…” the River Reflection said, “that’s not allowed.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I said.  “I am the heir to Foley Monster and I do not follow the rules.”

I then grabbed the River Reflection by the ear and pulled her through the looking glass and back to our bed.  In the morning Mommy was stunned to see the two of us together but since I caught her fair and square she let me keep her.

Here is a picture of us together.

Never doubt the word, or the determination of River Song.