Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

Just in from CNN, the Parks Department announced today that they know why the reflecting pool is filled with algae. It seems the pump don’t work because the vandal took the handle. Police are looking for one Robert Zimmerman, described as a short, thin, Jewish beatnik poet who was last seen blowing in the wind.

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma."Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

While living in Denver the weatherman said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week he said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. Willie’s wife said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” Willie

Nature Friday

 There are ladies in our counter garden. Do you see them?

They come out at night

And hide amongst the flowers

I can hear them scurrying around at night

They talk in barely discernible whispers

And slowly chant

Some have dogs

Some have children

and once I think I heard Foley

When I bark at them they say “hush little Ruby go to sleep” and I instantly do

They are the ladies of the 

Garden

 

And they freak me out

Poetry Thursday

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to enjoy.

Baby Donald said, it is your fault. We are at war. 

Baby Benjamin said, Do not blame me, I voted for Gore. 

Baby Donald told him he was a stupid Dumbledore. 

These two kids were rotten to the core.

Baby Benjamin said, when it comes to the war, you started it.

Baby Donald said, change your diaper, you smell like shit. 

For these two babies that is what amounted to wit. 

But why must we pay for both being a twit?

Baby Donald said, "You are the one who blew up the hospital and hurt all the kids." 

Baby Benjamin said, "I did not know they were kids, I thought they were Kurds."

 Their mothers wished they never taught them to use words.

 These two were for the birds.

Baby Donald said that Baby Benjamin cost him his Nobel Peace Prize. 

Baby Benjamin said you could not win a peace prize if you had a thousand tries. 

Then they both began to shout, and tears fell from their eyes. Then they shot more planes into the skies.

Baby Benjamin told Donald he was white trash because barely clad men fought on his lawn. 

Baby Donald said baby Benjamin was nothing but a pawn. 

The truth is, on their people were both running a con, 

thinking themselves as both a mafia don.

The two babies knew they were in a heck of a mess, 

worse than when they forced the neighboring young girls to undress. 

Two babies were causing the world's distress 

and the economies were about to become depressed

Then Baby Donald thought of something that would set them free, 

And he gave a happy shout of glee. 

He said I know the answer for you and me. 

We will blame the whole mess on baby JD.

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

And then they put this liquid into the Iv and all of a sudden I was flying around. I could see our house and I was playing with all my friends and then I woke up and I felt just great. I just love you and love everyone in this car and I just wish you’d get all the bats out of the car because they’re flying around and singing “One Day More.” I think I need to lie down but I’d rather run around the house 100 times. This is great. Can I have this every day? 

Monday Question

 What is the worst thing that happened to you this weekend? 

You don't have to answer. It is just a set up to say what happened to me this weekend

Sunday morning we had a fright, At 4:00 AM Mommy got up to go to the bathroom, stood, got dizzy and fell. Daddy couldn't pick her and noticed she was slurring her words so he called 911’ I was shut in the bedroom as men arrived and took my mommy away. Daddy left too. They were afraid she had a stroke. After several hours of testing my mom was a clean bill of health. They think she may have had a reaction to medication. My parents are home but tired.

To make matters worse the hospital she went to, Sturdy Memorial in Attleboro Ma was the drop off facility for drunken World Cup fans arrested in Foxboro.  It sounded like David Tennant was in the next bed swearing up a storm. 

Late Friday Fill Ins

 

It’s Friday Fill In, a coyote of days latet, time

Ruby’s fill ins are in capitals

 SINK WHERE THEY WERE BEING WASHED WITH A BRILLO PAD

I want for design A GREAT BIG EXPENSIVE WORTHLESS ARCH ON MY FRONT YARD TO BE REMEMBERED BY, WITH A GUARD TO ANSWER QUESTIONS LIKE “WHO WOULD BUILD A STUPID ARCH?” AND TRUTHFULLY ANSWER “BECAUSE THEY HAD NO DICK.”

BACON STRIPS is a special treat I get NOT ENOUGH BUT I DONT CARE BECAUSE I WAS ABLE TO WORK TWO DICK JOKES INTO A FOUR QUESTIONS BLOG AND I AM VERY PROUD OF MYSELF.

I'm

,

Poetry Thursday

 

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to Enjoy

One day the sharks stopped eating

And the rich and powerful held a meeting

And after hours of brow beating

Decided to feed the old people to the sharks to keep the sharks numbers from depleting. 

But how would they fill the beaches with the old

They would lure them there with gold

And with warranties sold by rap stars whose careers had gone cold

But that they were shark chum could never be told

In truth many of the rich and powerful wanted the seniors to go away 

They drive to slow on the freeway

They don't know how to use the apple app to pay

And they talk about the constitution and disarmament who knows what they have to say

The day came to feed the sharks

And the seniors arrived happily ready for a lark

They piled off the bus before the driver could park

To prepare for the cold the men sipped on Cutty Sark

When the sharks found the humans they could not wait

And they prepared to eat and celebrate

But a whiff of the humans made them irate

This food was well past the sell by date

From a near by dock the board was in shock

And yelled at the sharks that this was a crock

The sharks formed a committee ad hoc

And soon were eating the board members after ramming the dock

The board was consumed without a plate or cup

And that is how they became sup

 To an important fact the board never wised up

That when you get to big you get eatin up