The Tanner Brigade: The Musical

By Foley:

I was watching the Tony’s Sunday night hosted by the multi-talented Neil Patrick Harris when I realized that most of the shows nominated for Best Musical were just retreads of old movies, Billy Elliot, Shrek, Nine to Five. It left me wondering, where are the young playwrights ready to pen the next great, original Broadway musical? And then I realized. It was the dog in the mirror, and the musical I had to write was the story of The Tanner Brigade.

Opening scene: (A middle aged Yorkie (Foley) is walking on the grounds of the DS castle)

Sung to Mountain Town

There are lots of dogs on this site
And kitties mewl in the night
Oh, there are groups to join and friends to bless
Just another Sunday morning on the web site DS

In this land we’re ruled by a Queen
Who let’s us bark as long as it’s not what we mean
And it’s illegal to so much as growl
You stop in to see your friend

(Grouchy friend)
I’m reporting you

Even though their mood is low
It’s another Sunday morning in my ever expanding web site DS

You can make comments to the poor and elite
But if they offend then watch them hit delete
Because about how we feel they couldn’t care less
It’s another Sunday morning in our highly regulated, oppressive web site DS

So off to our journal we shall go
We where say everything that we know
Because journals give us a chance to write what we want to say
And now are lives are complete
Because Princess and DS are super sweet
In this regulated, oppressive, censoring, web site DS!

Scene II: He who must not be named (HWMNBN) is causing problems on DS and a chorus of dogs would like him banned from the site.

Sung to Bohemian Rhapsody

(HWMNBN)
Mama, just lost my girl
She said I was a hog
She even kept the dog
Mama, I had been happy
But now I can’t even get laid
Mama, oooo
Didn’t mean to bitch and whine
If I’m not posting here tomorrow
Carry on carry on, I don’t really matter
(DS CHORUS)
I see a little perverto of a man
Scaramouche, scaramouche he got porn on My Space-O
Bare breasts and buttocks, very very frightening me
Hugh Hefner, Hugh Hefner
Hugh Hefner spreads his porn
(HWMNBN)
I’m just a poor boy nobody loves me
(HWMNBN FANS)
He’s just a poor boy who got a dumpdee
Spare him his profile despite his monstrosities
(HWMNBN)
I can’t get laid, I can’t get laid
Why won’t someone lay me?
(PRINCESS)
Bismillah! no-,I will not make him go-
Bismillah! no-,I will not make him go-
Bismillah! no-,I will not make him go-
I will not make him go
I will not make him go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-

Scene 3 where Princess celebrates her position of power

(sung to Master of the House)

(PRINCESS)
Welcome, my friend, set your profile
And meet the best webkeeper in town
As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:
Looking for a quick sale by crooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be

Master of the web, doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Makes a pretty profile, causes a stir
Members appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the web, keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a buck or two
Selling credits, premium memberships
Send a friend a knick-knack on their birthday for a price
Everybody loves a webmaster
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Enter my friend, set your profile
Premium membership will do the job
Make lots of friends, give them some gifts
Let me help you lighten your purse
You need a badge
Stay on line all night
Click on the ads
Till I'm satisfied

Charge 'em for the gifts, extra for the credits
Cutting out groups when they don’t now how to make nice
Add a puppy here, a fake puppy there
We don’t care who has profiles as long as they’re there
When it comes to fixing numbers
There are a lot of tricks I know
How it all increases, all them bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

(TANNER)
I used to dream that I would meet the princess
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the web? Isn't worth me spit!
`Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain, regular Bill Gates
Thinks he's quite a thinker but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a dweeb
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard on the web

Scene IV: The Banishing of Tanner Bub

Sung to Oliver

[PRINCESS]
Tanner Bub! Tanner Bub!
Never before has a dog named a man!

[PRINCESS AND HWMNBN]
Tanner Bub! Tanner Bub!

[HWMNBN]
Won't use a name when he knows what's in store.

[PRINCESS]
There a dark, deep woods
Without any supporters
Which we'll throw him down, and leave him
To go to the bridge all alone

[ALL]
Tanner Bub! Tanner Bub!

PRINCESS
What will he do when he's turned out of the castle?
He will curse the day
Somebody named him

TO BE CONTINUED