Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Pawnight Show with Foley Monster

Pocket: Live, from the Tanner Brigade, it’s the Foley Monster Show. Foley’s guest tonight is Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong, and now, here’s Foley.

Foley: Thank you Pocket and welcome to the Foley Monster show, and tonight our guest is Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong, welcome Mr. Armstrong.

Armstrong: Thank you, Foley, uh, my manager didn’t mention that you were dogs. I could have done Charlie Rose.

Foley: Mr. Armstrong, you are famous for doing the first moonwalk. What my audience wants to know is, if you were going for a walk, why not take your dog?

Armstrong: Well, Foley, us NASA astronauts were a busy bunch. I didn’t have time to take care of a dog.

Foley: No dog huh?

Pocket: Can’t trust a man who doesn’t own a dog.

Armstrong: And with the moon having less gravity a small dog like you could just float away.

Foley: Then why didn’t you take some cats, like the ones who sit on my deck? I wouldn’t mind them floating away.

Armstrong: We weren’t allowed to take pets into the capsule.

Pocket: Capsule? Is that some weenie Korean car? If you were going into space using American dollars you should have driven an American car.

Armstrong: The capsule sat on top of the rocket, the rocket launched us into space, and we used the capsule to land on the moon and then used our thrusters to leave the moon and to hook up with the lunar orbiter.

Foley: Hey just because we’re dogs you don’t have to make stuff up. Now, when you reached the moon you said that you were taking one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. I notice you didn’t mention dogs. Do you think it was right not to represent the canine world?

Armstrong: Well, Foley, there were not a lot of contributions from dogs during the moon launch. I was thinking it would be more appropriate to recognize humans’ contribution.

Pocket: Tell me something Mr. Armstrong, you were in that big space suit right?

Armstrong: Yes, um, dog.

Pocket: So when you peed where did you pee?

Armstrong: Well, we would go in the suit.

Pocket: The suit? In other words you peed your pants.

Armstrong: Yes.

Pocket: And did your Mommy yell at you?

Armstrong: I didn’t really get to talk to my Mom, so no.

Pocket: Well, I hope your Mom is an inspiration to Moms everywhere, don’t yell at your babies when they pee their pants.

Foley: Is that why you went to the moon, to make it OK to pee in your pants?

Armstrong: Well, no.

Foley: Why did you go to the moon?

Armstrong: Well, um, it was there, and, um, we had to get there before the Soviets because, um, well the pee thing, that’s a pretty good answer.

Pocket: If you weren’t wearing your suit in the spaceship and pooped would it float?

Armstrong: Well, yes I suppose it would.

Pocket: Oh, I would love to float around and try to catch my own poo.

Foley: That’s living the dream.

Pocket: True that.

Foley: Mr. Armstrong you claimed that you were the first man to walk on the moon, but considering that you only have one testicle, isn’t it fair to say that Mr. Aldrin was the first real man on the moon and you were the first Eunuch?

Armstrong: I have two testicles.

Foley: No, you got cancer, lost a testicle and then won seven bike races.

Armstrong: I think you have me confused with Lance Armstrong, he is a biker and had testicular cancer and had to have a testicle removed.

Foley: You’re not the bike guy?

Armstrong: No I’m the first man who walked on the moon guy.

(Foley looks at Pocket and then leaps at her nipping her in the ear. Pocket cries out in pain.)

Foley: Great I wanted the bike racer and you get me the first one baller Eunuch moon walker! I swear I am doing what Hobo does and hire cats.

Pocket: How was I supposed to know he was posing as a person less a nut?

Armstrong: I am not less a nut. I am fully nutted.

Pocket: It’s OK. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Foley: Both Pocket and I lost our ovaries and innocence at a young age.

Pocket: I lost mine in the back of a Coup de ville.

Armstrong: Can we please move on to another subject?

Foley: Of course. Who gets the most benefit? A lone nutman on the moon or on a bike?

Armstrong: I am so firing my agent.

Foley: You obviously think that going to the moon was the greatest scientific achievement of your lifetime, would you agree?

Armstrong: Well yes, yes I would.

Foley: Better than Levitra?

Armstrong: Excuse me?

Foley: Was the moon landing a greater scientific achievement than Levitra?

Armstrong: The erectile dysfunction drug?

Pocket: Yes Mr. Armstrong, for when you have the rocket on the launch pad but can’t get liftoff, when your rear thrusters fail, for when your splash down is nothing but a let down.

Armstrong: Well I don’t think you can compare the two.

Foley: It’s a simple question Mr. Armstrong. What has benefited man more, your giant leap, or Levitra’s GIANT LEAP?

Armstrong: Well, I suppose more people got satisfaction from Levitra then the moon landing.

Foley: (To Pocket) See I told you we should have gotten Mr. Levitra and not moon boy over here.

Pocket: True that.

Foley: I swear if you say that one more time I am going to bite you in the butt.

Armstrong: Excuse me, I have been very patient, but this entire interview has been nothing but questions about poo, pee, testicles and erectile dysfunction.

Pocket: We’re dogs, what do you expect us to talk about?

Foley: Poo, pee and private parts, that’s our entire day.

Pocket: It’s not we’re going to talk about what was in today’s newspaper.

Foley: We don’t pee where we read Moonboy.

Armstrong: I’m sorry, it’s just the moon landing was one of the most important events of our lifetime and I don’t think you are treating it with the respect it deserves.

Foley: grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Pocket: Oh my you’ve made her mad.

Armstrong: Well I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make her mad.

Foley: grrrrrrrrrrrr

Pocket: You better scratch her. Under her chin, right where her throat meets the bone, yep right there, keep scratching.

(Armstrong continues to scratch Foley who slowly begins to calm down the nuzzle next to him.)

Pocket: Well that’s our show for tonight. Good night, may your days be filled with puppy treats and your nights with warm laps. Good night everybody!

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