The Pawnight Show with host Foley Monster and guest Arnold Schwarzenegger

Pocket:  It's the Pawnight Show with your host Foley Monster with Hobo Hudson and his all mutt orchestra featuring Hattie Mae on cello.  I'm your announcer, Pocket Dog.  And now here's Foley.

(Foley walks out to cheers.  She smiles and wags her tail then holds up her paws.)  Please we have a wonderful show for you tonight.  Major movie star and former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger is here so let's give him a big Pawnight Show welcome. (The former Governor comes out in a suit and tie and sits in a chair by the desk.  Foley hops up on her chair and then climbs on top of the desk where a pet bed had been placed by the microphone.  She circles several times.  She finally sits.)   

Foley:  Well, Governor, thank you for joining us here.

Schwarzenegger:  Da.  Thank you for letting me on your program.  I enjoy your tail.  It is round.  I like round things.  Like dumbbells.

Foley:  Pocket's tail was cropped.

Schwarzenegger:  Da.  That reminds me of my old dear Da back home in Austria.

Foley:  I was hoping to talk to you about your days as Governor of California but I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room.

Schwarzenegger:  Da.  That reminds me of my dear old Ma back in Austria.

Foley:  I mean, of course, the affair you had with your maid that produced a 14 year old child.

Schwarzenegger:  I deny that.  It wasn't a 14 year old boy.   It came out as a little baby.  It took 14 years to make it what it is.

Foley:  But you were married to a beautiful influential woman, why did you have sex with the maid?

Schwarzenegger:  Because when I marry Maria I became a Kennedy.  I couldn't join in their poke her games unless I cheated on my wife.  So I had sex with the maid.  I pumped her up.
Foley:  Do you have any regrets?

Schwarzenegger:  I would really have liked to have been with the Navy Seals when they captured Bin Laden.  I would have like to have burst in their with my automatic weapon and has sex with his maid.

Foley:  I hear that you are going to have a new animated series, the Governator.  You are going to be a super hero.

Schwarzenegger:  Yes, I am a super hero with a sculptured body who goes to small towns and saves people and then has sex with their maids.

Pocket:  Oh my gosh you are obsessed with maids.  You are like me with my tennis ball.

Foley:  Oh this is nothing like you and your ball.  You spend all day chasing after your ball over and over again.  When you get it you pick it up in your mouth and run around with it.  When you're done you drop it out of your mouth, all covered with drool, and pass it on to someone else.

Schwarzenegger:  Oh not that is exactly what I do with my maids.

Foley:  You're really kind of a sicko aren't you?

Schwarzenegger:  Hey, I'll pump....you up.

Foley:  Governor, do you find it significant that your son with Maria Shriver, who was born one week before your illegitimate son, wrote a letter of support for his mother, and signed it with the last name Shriver?

Schwarzenegger:  Schwarzenegger is a very hard name to spell.  It took me until I was 41 years old to learn how to do it.

Foley:  Do you think you have hurt your blossoming acting career with this scandal?

Schwarzenegger::  It is possible.  But I think I have added a lot to my sleeping with maids career.

Foley:  OK, we're sick of you.  Go away.

Pocket:  Hasta la vista baby!

Schwarzenegger:  This is a silly little show anyway, and neither of your have a maid.

Pocket:  I told you we should have got Charlie Sheen.




                                                                                                                                                                              

The Pawnight Show with host Foley Monster and guest Puxatony Phil

*The Pawnight show theme song begins and there is a tracking shot of the dogs in the audience barking and wagging their tails.*

Pocket:  Welcome to the Pawnight show with your host Foley Monster.  Tonight's guest is the great prognosticator of spring Puxatony Phil.  With Hobo Hudson and his all mutt orchestra and Miss Hattie Mae on vocals.  I'm Pocket Dog.  And now, here's Foley.

*Audience barks and howls.  Curtain opens and Foley steps out and bows.*

Foley:  Thank you.  Thank you very much.  Wow.  Some winter huh?  I had to go out to the dog park to do my business if you know what I mean?  *Audience howls*  I was standing in line with an Irish Setter.  She asked if I was waiting for someone and I said yes a pack of Great Danes to melt the snow.  *Audience howls again*  All right.  Tonight we have a very important guest.  One of the most famous animals in the world.  The prognosticator's prognosticator Puxatony Phil.

*Audience barks and howls as Phil, a large, hairy groundhog comes out.  Foley and Phil stand on their hind legs and hug.  Foley then leads him over to a chair and Foley's desk with her chair behind it.  Phil sits.  Foley scratches the chair for a minute, spins around twice and sits down.*

Foley:  So, Phil, big day this week.  You predicted that we would have an early spring in the midst of one of the worst winters ever.  What made you predict that?

Phil:  Oh bugger that.  I didn't predict anything.  Those blokes came to pull me out and I said back off.  If they wanted to know if a shadow could be seen look at the ground and see if they cast a shadow.  Don't pull me out of bed.  So when I refused to go they cut up a mink coat, glued part of it to a chipmunk and pretended it was me.  That chipmunk predicted spring coming early.  Stupid chipmunk.  Can't stand those things.

Foley:  So you don't think we are going to have an early spring?

Phil:  What kind of wanker do you think I am?  Who would possibly think we would have an early spring when it snowed in 48 states 21 of 31 days in January.  Except a chipmunk in a fur coat.

Foley:  Are you saying the entire groundhog ceremony this year was a fraud?

Phil:  Foley, the last time I actually came out of my hole on Groundhogs Day was in 2005.  Last year I was in Rio with the Hilton Sisters.  The year before that I was in Vegas with Charlie Sheen the entire month of February.  The whole thing is nothing but a blur.

Foley:  I have to tell you Phil I feel kind of used.  For years all animals have idolized you and I'm beginning to think you're a bit of a fraud.

Phil:  Tell me Foley:  How many animals do you know who are pulled out of their warm environment in the dead of winter on a freezing cold morning, paraded in front of hundreds of disillusioned humans who have nothing better to do with their sad little lives then to bundle up, drink hot chocolate and hope to get a glimpse of an uncooperative rodent?    And they are waiting for me to tell them if the sun is out, which they knew anyway, because if the sun was shining they wouldn't need the hot chocolate and layers of clothes.  The entire event is terribly depressing.  Have you ever seen two humans fighting over a peanut vendor in the snow?  I will say, humans are adorable when they chew their peanuts.  *He makes a scrunched up face and pretends to chew as the audience laughs.*

Foley:  You seem rather bitter Phil.

Phil:  You know what I realized in 2005?  I looked out at the crowd, humans selling food, t-shirts, television camera with reporters paid through cooperate sponsorship, everyone making money but me.  When I demanded my share they put me in the hole to teach me a lesson.  Stupid humans.  I just crawled out the other side.  Tried to cut my own deal.  Thought we could have a Puxatony Phil day the weekend before the Super Bowl.  But I found out I was blackballed.

Pocket:  Did you get them when you dug out of the hole?

Foley:  Pocket, please don't talk to the guests.

Phil:  I couldn't get any work in the business.  My downward spiral began.  I had to feed myself out of dumpsters.  I had to dig for food in gardens  then I got a break.  Hosting the CBS show "So you think you can tell if there are six more weeks of winter?"  But after two weeks it was canceled and I was back on the street.  I began to appear in casinos getting together with my random rodents and seeing how many of us could climb into a spinning pink Cadillac under a giant floating Elvis head.  Some nights I had to work the stripper pole when the Beaver called in chaffed.

Foley:  It sounds to me like you have had a hard life after leaving the hole.

Phil:  I straightened out after being in Betty Ford for three months.  When I left I stopped, turned around, and told Lindsay Lohan she had six more weeks of rehab.

Foley:  Is that when you returned to your hole?

Phil:  Yes, but I still won't participate in Groundhog Day.   I suggested they move it to August when it was warm and I could predict how many more weeks of summer we had.  They nixed that.  Then we got into a disagreement about licensing.  See, it's called Groundhog Day.  But I'm the Groundhog.  It should be Phil Day.  They don't call Martin Luther King Day "African American Preacher Day."  They don't call Columbus Day "Lost Explorer Day."  They don't call Washington's Birthday "Presidents' Day."

Pocket:  Actually Phil I think.....

Foley:  Pocket don't talk to the the guests.

Pocket:  But Foley Presidents' Day....

Foley:  Pocket do you want to go in your crate?

*Audience goes "Oooooohhhh" as Pocket puts her tail between her legs.*

Phil:  They tell me if I don't cooperate with them they'll evict me from my hole.  That's when I sued them and won the right to stay in my hole.  I represented myself.  Surprised them by citing as precedent Tamarka the Rat v New York Transit Authority.

Foley:  So while you weren't doing the prognosticating, who was?

Phil:  Well the first couple of years they tried other groundhogs but that didn't work.  They had no spark.  You can't replace a Simon Cowell with some drugged out hippie from an 80's heavy metal band.  People won't buy it.  They tried muppets, and the past couple of years it's been Craig Ferguson and a puppet, but his wife went into labor on February 1 this year so they tried to get me to come out again.  Truth is, if the weather had been better I would have done it, just for nostalgia.

Foley:  Will we ever see you pop out of the hole again?

Phil:  Never says never Foley.  That's my motto.  But it would have to be during a lot warmer winter than this one.

Foley:  Say how was it working with Bill Murray?

Phil:  Oh, Bill's a pro.  When we were doing Lost in Translation together we had such a good time.  At the end when he came over and whispered something in my ear, totally not scripted.

Pocket:  I thought that was with Scarlett Johansson?

Phil:  Sophia Coppola green screened her in during editing when the studio felt the coupling of an older man and a younger groundhog was too controversial.

Foley:  Actually I was wondering about the movie named after you:  Groundhog Day.

Phil:  You mean Puxatony Phil Day?  Well working with Bill, again, just a genius.  And we did our own stunts.  When we drove off the cliff, that was us, driving off the cliff.  I jumped out before we hit the ground.  Bill was burned to a crisp.  That's why it all takes place on the same day over and over.   They had so much footage from that one day they changed the whole concept of the movie.  It was to be more Thelma and Louise with a man and a groundhog.  And they denied me a producer's credit on that too.  The whole thing wouldn't have happened if I hadn't put the star in the burn unit for 32 weeks.  And do I get credit?  No.  Another in the long string of my humiliations.

Pocket:  Wow, you're one bitter rodent.

Phil:  You want the job?  Live in a hole, come out once a year, get bright lights in your eyes, get held up so every little kid in Western Pennsylvania can see your genitalia?

Pocket:  Would I?  Puxatony Pocket?  I'd be famous.

Phil:  How old are you, three?  You could come back to my hole, put on some jazz, have a glass of brackish water and we could discuss it.

Foley:  Hold on there Pocket, I think Mommy expects you home tonight.  I promised her.  And we are out of time.  I would like thank our guest Puxatony Phil and we hope to see you some Groundhog Day soon.

Phil:  I wouldn't bet my last kibble on that Lolipop, now I asked for a carton of Lucky Strikes and a bottle of Manischewitz, if it's not in my dressing room by the time I get back you will be hearing from my attorney.

Foley:  I would like to thank Pocket Dog, Hobo, Hattie and the orchestra.  Everybody have a great night.  Now stay turned for Late Night with Jimmy Ferret.  Good night everyone.

*Orchestra play theme song as Foley and Pocket talks and Phil lights a cigarette.  Credits roll and screen fades to black*

The Pawnight show with host Foley Monster and guest DS Levi

Pocket: Live from the Tanner Brigade Mansion it's Pawnight Show with your host: Foley Monster along with Hobo Hudson and his all mutt orchestra, accompanied by the beautiful Hattie Mae. Foley's guest tonight is the owner of the DS Castle: Mr. Levi himself. I'm your announcer Pocket Dog. And now here's Foley.

(A shot of Hattie Mae leading the band, and a close up on Hobo
playing the trumpet and then Foley walks from behind the curtain wagging her tail She bows to the audience then jumps up on the love seat. Shethen motions for Pocket who runs up and sits next to her and they both paw to the audience.)

Foley: Thank you. Welcome. You're in for a really great show. We
have Mr Levi from the DS Castle. (Mild booing from the audience.) Now, he was nice enough to come here so I am sure we can give him a
Tanner Brigade welcome. (She turns to Pocket.) How was your weekend?

Pocket: Well you know Mommy and Daddy went to that outdoor
wedding. We didn't get to go and I don't know why. We would have been so good there. And Mommy said she was cold. We could have kept her
warm. It was just such a missed opportunity.

Foley: I could tell when they got home that they were pretty warm from all the Foleytinis they drank?

Pocket: How does drinking keep you warm?

Foley: You know because they're a little silly, you know, stumbly, you know.

Pocket: Oh, bazinga!

Foley: Well let's bring him out because we don't want anything to disappear from the green crate we have
him in. He started a small social network named DS and turned it into a business worth almost hundreds of dollars. Lets give a big Tanner Brigade welcome to DS Levi.

(Small smattering of applause)

Foley: Welcome Levi, nice to have you here.

Levi: Hey, thanks you know, like it's good to be here. Yo, I'm just here to set it straight you know?

Pocket: Not really, no, what the hell are you talking about?

Foley: Relax Pocket. I talk Jersey. Now you have recently said
you would let children into the castle if they pay for a premium membership, what were you thinking there?

Levi: Ok, yo, you know how there's sites where you got adults and kids, and the adults they pretend to be kids to meet kids, well yo, check this out. You see those sites the dudes pay to talk to the kids. You know that's wrong 'cause you know, Dudes shouldn't be paying to talk to kids, that's sick. But yo, check this out. We flipped that mofo. See we got the kids paying to talk with the adults. See the kids are paying to be preyed upon.
That makes it beautiful.

Foley: What do these children get with their premium membership?

Levi: When they hit adulthood, their first three visits to a therapists: totally free, as long as it's not in the US. Plus they are allowed into our most special group made just for adults and kids. It's called Newfoundlands, Akitas. Malteses, Beagles, Labradors,and Affenpinschers. Or NAMBLA.

Foley: Aren't you worried maybe by allowing young children on to the site you might be inviting the wrong type of member?.

Levi: Foley, this is America. There is no such thing in this country as someone who can afford a premium membership being a bad person.

Foley: What other new services are you offering?

Levi: There is our wicked cool premium gold membership for members who have left and we are trying to lure back. You pay us $200.00 and we give you unlimited access to the site between 3:00 AM and 5:00 AM eastern on weekends.

Foley: You recently suspended my friend Zoey for asking for votes in a contest, but you let other pups beg for votes, why was Zoey
singled out?

Levi: Well that was Zoey's fault. She did not buy our Really Awesome Vote for Me membership. If you buy one of them then not only will we allow you to ask for votes, but we automatically add 1,000 votes to your total each day for the price of $18.95 a month.

Foley: Is that fair?

Levi: Of course it's fair Foley. Yo, if someone wants their dog win some whatever cutest, funniest, most hip hop dog contest, then they need to pay me, the Big L. If they don't pay me they lose. Either way I win.

Foley: I recently read a blog post of yours which said that if
people didn't follow the rules you would ban first and ask questions later. Do you think that one strike policy is fair to us pups who sometimes bark without thinking?

Levi: Yo, it sure does. Keeps everyone on their toes. One mistake and they're gone. You don't mess with the Big L.

Foley: Do you think that is fair.

Levi: Sorry, this thread is closed.

Foley: But we have many viewers who want to know....

Levi: I can't hear you, thread closed!

Foley: But about this rule....

Levi: Cut to baby taking off her clothes. Close-up of the sign that says "Thread Closed."

Foley: You just can't say Thread Closed whenever you don't want to talk to someone.

Levi: So we closed our thread and said goodbye to gypsy angel row

Foley: Fine! We'll let it go. God, you're just so infuriating. Thread closed!

Levi: God bless America, land that I thread closed.

Foley: Yeah, right we get it. One final question. Pocket and I saw The Social Network. We gave it eight paws up.

Pocket: That's partially because I was on my back asleep.

Foley: Thank you Pocket. Now Levi, I was wondering why you, who runs a large social network, is not featured in the movie?

Levi: I was in the movie but it got cut. There's the scene where the Facebook creator gets a little sexy time with a girl in a bathroom stall. My scene was right after that. When they were done I was the attendant who cleaned the floor. That's kind of how the Big L seeshimself. Guys like Zukerman they have all these creative juices.
Sometimes they spill out on the floor. I'm the guy who mops them up antries to profit from their overflow.

Foley: Well, with that I'd like to say thread closed.

Levi: What? I still have lots to say. I'm trying to get on Dancing with the Stars. The Big L could be bigger then the Huff. And you're going to close my thread? What's up with that? (He gets up and starts to dance.) What's up with that, what's up with that, what's up with that,what's up with that.

Foley: God he's still such a massive tool

Pocket: Yeah but he's a good dancer

Foley: Why's he squishing?

Pocket: I might have peed in his shoe.

Foley: You're a good girl Pocket. Good night everyone!













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The Pawnight Show with Foley Monster

Pocket: Live, from the Tanner Brigade, it’s the Foley Monster Show. Foley’s guest tonight is Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong, and now, here’s Foley.

Foley: Thank you Pocket and welcome to the Foley Monster show, and tonight our guest is Apollo 11 astronaut Neil Armstrong, welcome Mr. Armstrong.

Armstrong: Thank you, Foley, uh, my manager didn’t mention that you were dogs. I could have done Charlie Rose.

Foley: Mr. Armstrong, you are famous for doing the first moonwalk. What my audience wants to know is, if you were going for a walk, why not take your dog?

Armstrong: Well, Foley, us NASA astronauts were a busy bunch. I didn’t have time to take care of a dog.

Foley: No dog huh?

Pocket: Can’t trust a man who doesn’t own a dog.

Armstrong: And with the moon having less gravity a small dog like you could just float away.

Foley: Then why didn’t you take some cats, like the ones who sit on my deck? I wouldn’t mind them floating away.

Armstrong: We weren’t allowed to take pets into the capsule.

Pocket: Capsule? Is that some weenie Korean car? If you were going into space using American dollars you should have driven an American car.

Armstrong: The capsule sat on top of the rocket, the rocket launched us into space, and we used the capsule to land on the moon and then used our thrusters to leave the moon and to hook up with the lunar orbiter.

Foley: Hey just because we’re dogs you don’t have to make stuff up. Now, when you reached the moon you said that you were taking one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. I notice you didn’t mention dogs. Do you think it was right not to represent the canine world?

Armstrong: Well, Foley, there were not a lot of contributions from dogs during the moon launch. I was thinking it would be more appropriate to recognize humans’ contribution.

Pocket: Tell me something Mr. Armstrong, you were in that big space suit right?

Armstrong: Yes, um, dog.

Pocket: So when you peed where did you pee?

Armstrong: Well, we would go in the suit.

Pocket: The suit? In other words you peed your pants.

Armstrong: Yes.

Pocket: And did your Mommy yell at you?

Armstrong: I didn’t really get to talk to my Mom, so no.

Pocket: Well, I hope your Mom is an inspiration to Moms everywhere, don’t yell at your babies when they pee their pants.

Foley: Is that why you went to the moon, to make it OK to pee in your pants?

Armstrong: Well, no.

Foley: Why did you go to the moon?

Armstrong: Well, um, it was there, and, um, we had to get there before the Soviets because, um, well the pee thing, that’s a pretty good answer.

Pocket: If you weren’t wearing your suit in the spaceship and pooped would it float?

Armstrong: Well, yes I suppose it would.

Pocket: Oh, I would love to float around and try to catch my own poo.

Foley: That’s living the dream.

Pocket: True that.

Foley: Mr. Armstrong you claimed that you were the first man to walk on the moon, but considering that you only have one testicle, isn’t it fair to say that Mr. Aldrin was the first real man on the moon and you were the first Eunuch?

Armstrong: I have two testicles.

Foley: No, you got cancer, lost a testicle and then won seven bike races.

Armstrong: I think you have me confused with Lance Armstrong, he is a biker and had testicular cancer and had to have a testicle removed.

Foley: You’re not the bike guy?

Armstrong: No I’m the first man who walked on the moon guy.

(Foley looks at Pocket and then leaps at her nipping her in the ear. Pocket cries out in pain.)

Foley: Great I wanted the bike racer and you get me the first one baller Eunuch moon walker! I swear I am doing what Hobo does and hire cats.

Pocket: How was I supposed to know he was posing as a person less a nut?

Armstrong: I am not less a nut. I am fully nutted.

Pocket: It’s OK. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Foley: Both Pocket and I lost our ovaries and innocence at a young age.

Pocket: I lost mine in the back of a Coup de ville.

Armstrong: Can we please move on to another subject?

Foley: Of course. Who gets the most benefit? A lone nutman on the moon or on a bike?

Armstrong: I am so firing my agent.

Foley: You obviously think that going to the moon was the greatest scientific achievement of your lifetime, would you agree?

Armstrong: Well yes, yes I would.

Foley: Better than Levitra?

Armstrong: Excuse me?

Foley: Was the moon landing a greater scientific achievement than Levitra?

Armstrong: The erectile dysfunction drug?

Pocket: Yes Mr. Armstrong, for when you have the rocket on the launch pad but can’t get liftoff, when your rear thrusters fail, for when your splash down is nothing but a let down.

Armstrong: Well I don’t think you can compare the two.

Foley: It’s a simple question Mr. Armstrong. What has benefited man more, your giant leap, or Levitra’s GIANT LEAP?

Armstrong: Well, I suppose more people got satisfaction from Levitra then the moon landing.

Foley: (To Pocket) See I told you we should have gotten Mr. Levitra and not moon boy over here.

Pocket: True that.

Foley: I swear if you say that one more time I am going to bite you in the butt.

Armstrong: Excuse me, I have been very patient, but this entire interview has been nothing but questions about poo, pee, testicles and erectile dysfunction.

Pocket: We’re dogs, what do you expect us to talk about?

Foley: Poo, pee and private parts, that’s our entire day.

Pocket: It’s not we’re going to talk about what was in today’s newspaper.

Foley: We don’t pee where we read Moonboy.

Armstrong: I’m sorry, it’s just the moon landing was one of the most important events of our lifetime and I don’t think you are treating it with the respect it deserves.

Foley: grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Pocket: Oh my you’ve made her mad.

Armstrong: Well I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make her mad.

Foley: grrrrrrrrrrrr

Pocket: You better scratch her. Under her chin, right where her throat meets the bone, yep right there, keep scratching.

(Armstrong continues to scratch Foley who slowly begins to calm down the nuzzle next to him.)

Pocket: Well that’s our show for tonight. Good night, may your days be filled with puppy treats and your nights with warm laps. Good night everybody!