I love taking birds and butterfly bodies to fly around our pretty gardens. It is especially sweet since I when I was mortal, helped design them.
So, I was upset when I saw that turkeys were tearing up our yard.Wranglerr
Two things happened when I was mortal: No turWrangle eys ripBrtidgeped up our yard, and Putin didn’t invade Ukraine.
While Ruby can’t do anything about Putin, because she’s weak, she can do something about the turkeys.
When I was mortal and walking around the state hospital I would charge, barking sharply, with a ferocious look on my face, that would make them fly in panic, except that one time, when the geese were protecting their babies, and they charged at me. I’ve been off eggs ever since.
To save my yard I was going to have to teach Ruby how to make a group of birds fly away. I am going to make her a turkey herder.
“A what?” Ruby asked when I slipped into her treat and tummy rub dreams.
“The turkeys have made a mess of the yard!” I barked. “They're eating the grass, they're eating the seeds, they're doing unmentionable things to the geese.”
“I don’t mind,” Ruby said.
Of course, she doesn’t. She doesn’t pee outside. I think she identifies as a house cat.
“It doesn’t matter if you mind,” I said. ‘Mommy doesn’t like it.”
“She doesn’t seem upset.”
“You don’t know her like I do.”
“I sleep with my nose up her ass, I don’t think you can know anyone more.”
The talk was getting me nowhere. I took her, in her dream state to the Doggyspace Park at Rainbow Bridge. A dozen turkeys were eating the grass. “Round them up!” I ordered.
“But they're not hurting anyone.”
Kids today! They don’t know what you have to do to keep control of a lawn. I told her to charge.
She did so reluctantly. She barely moved her legs.
“What the hell is that?” one of the turkeys asked. “Does it run on batteries?”
I had to step in and show her how it was done. Suddenly some ninja turkeys started clucking at me and doing somersaults.
I can’t stand being flipped the bird.
I told Ruby it was enough for today and sent her back to her warm bed.
These turkeys are tougher than I thought, but I have another plan.
Parsing Dr. Fudd.
Dr Elmer Fudd,
“
