Beat This Caption

 

So, after tempting Adam with apple, Eve bit it, and long story short: You are going to the vet tommow morning to get your ovaries removed, and before I forget there is no breakfast either. How you like them apples?

Monday Question

 When was the last time you were locked in a cage or a room “for your own good.”

Ruby’s Answer - while the EMTs were in the house to check out Mommy when she fell I was locked in the bedroom “for my own good.”

Ruby's Sunday Funnies

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” “I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes," the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh.. equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.

Friendly Fill Ins

 

It is time for Fill 'em Fridays brought to you by my friends, the Two Spoiled Cats and the pack at fifteen and meowing. They provide a short statement in black text. The rest is for me to fill in, which is written in blue.

I am glad I live near my pee pads. Otherwise, it would be inconvenient: I'm sitting around watching TV, suddenly I have to pee, and I realize I have to go down the street to use my pad. I have to tip the pee pad attendant because you know how they are and then I walk home, and as soon as I take off my galoshes, I have to pee again.

I am glad I don't live near Iran. It's noisy over there. Things keep blowing up. There are sporadic fireworks, and people yell “gun” all the time. It's terrible. I can't believe I was suckered into buying a timeshare on a beach there. As soon as I find it, I am out of Tehran for good.

I didn't know I had an eighth nipple until five days ago. I thought I was a seven-nipple girl. Sure, I wasn't even. I had to wear my girdle a little higher on one side. But that was okay. The other day, I thought I had tracked down a mosquito bite on me. When I looked at it, I discovered the new nipple. You don't know the joy of finding a hidden nipple. And now I have eight, which is almost the most you can have. Two more nipples to go, and I'm a full nipple girl.

Your blog posts make me truly laugh. They also make me sad sometimes. But my favorites are the ones that make me hungry. Pictures of food. List of ingredients. Beautiful descriptions of the sizzling beef. And on Saturday comes cooking with chocolate day.  More pictures of food, please.

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Beat This Caption

 

But Mummy, I really believed you. You said there was a treat in here. You snatched me and put me in the bathtub. I feel so betrayed. I don't know if I can ever trust another. You have another cookie? We'll give it a shot tomorrow.

Monday Question

 Who is the first to wake up in your family each morning?

Ruby’s Answer- One of my parents wakes up first and I usually follow, then sit on the love seat and bark at everything I see until the other parent awakens. I am rarely the first to wake up

Ruby's Sunday Funnies

 

Three Blonds are walking down the street when they see some

tracks. The first one said "I think they are dog tracks", The

second one said "I think they are cow tracks". The third one

said "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next?

They all got hit by a train

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Ole came home from work one day and found Lena sitting on the edge of the bed, naked. He asked her, "Lena, why are you sitting there without any clothes on?" And Lena said, "I don't have no clothes to wear." Ole said, "Don't be silly-you got lots of clothes." And he went over to the closet, flung open the door, and said, "Lena, look-here's a blue dress, here's yellow dress, here's Sven, here's a flowered dress …"

Fill-in The Blanks and Talk Like a Pirate Day

Today, two of the most important events in Blogville will combine. It is the friendly fill-in-the-blanks day sponsored by 15andmeowing four-legged furballs.and it is Talk Like a Pirate Day. I, Ruby Rose, will fill in the blanks as if I were a pirate. My fill-ins are underlined. 

 I have been seeing a lot of booty. As my role as a pirate captain, I inspect all booty that comes on my ship. I love inspecting booty. It's a fun word. Say it with me, booty. Now bend over. I need to inspect your booty, because I am Ruby Rose, the Pirate King, and the Booty inspector. 

 Plundering, pillaging, stealing, looting are good ways to raise extra money .Personally, I'm going to be concentrating less on the plundering and more on the pillaging. I feel my talent is more to the pillaging, less to the plundering. 

 I think the 1790’s was the decade with the best pirating. That was the year I had the MPGA hats made up—Make Pirating Great Again. We had quite a run until we stole all the money, and no one had any more money to steal. I buried it in the backyard somewhere; danmed if I remember where. 

 Lately I've been avoiding the British Royal Navy. They have no sense of humor about pirating. And also the fake news media, because when you're a pirate, you can't afford bad press.

Thankful Thursday

While the two spoiled cats continue to suffer from internet issues, I am shifting gears, joining my great friend Angel Brian in his Thankful Thursday blog hop. And what am I thankful for? At times, and especially when she's leaving the house or going a long distance, Mommy has to use a wheelchair. I would rather she didn't, but since she does, whenever she uses it, I'm on her lap, and Daddy pushes us. When he does I feel like a Queen. I roll through the hallway, look at my subjects and bark at them. Everyone knows me and likes to see me: their furry Dalek Queen. I hope my mommy isn't in a wheelchair forever. She is for now, and when life handed her lemons, I made lemonade.

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Beat This Caption

 

C'mon, your sister is obviously into it. Now just lie down in the street, let me climb on top of you, and we can make a new meaning to the term four-way intersection.

Monday Question

 Do you have a special spot in your house? If so, where is it and what's in it?

I have a mat in front of the TV with my puzzle toy, my snuffle mat, and a bed. Then behind that is the crate that I sometimes use when I wanna hide out.

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

 

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees.
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
“You’ve given me one too many” I said
“That one is a freebie.”

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

Friday Friendly Fill ins

 

It's Friday Fill-in time, posted by one spoiled cat and 15 Meowing. Ruby's fill-ins are underlined.

• I skimp on clothes. I don't wear clothes, so I do more than skimp on them. I skamp. My sisters Foley and Pocket used to wear clothes, and I think River did once, but I'll pass. Thank you. You don't put clothes on Michelangelo's David, and you don't put clothes on the most beautiful girl in the world.
• ,I tend to save on Netflix. I'm not the one who pays for it, but I watch it. Frankly, I don't have any idea what's going on, but I still watch it. I watched to see ifEmu and Jeff turned  up. I hate Emu and Jeff. I have a fatwa against Emu and Jeff. Anyway, I've digressed. I like to Netflix and chill. My parents watch Network, and I chill under a blanket.
• I've nearly perfected myself. I'm not sure what I can do to reach perfection. I may be there already. But I think a new hairstyle or some eyeliner might do it. Who am I kidding? I'm just a natural beauty.
• I need to find a better way to take over the world. I know, it's hard to take over the world when you sleep 16 hours a day because there's so much going on. My motto: sleep softly and chew on a big stick. I don't know if that'll get me world domination, but it sounds good on a bumper sticker.

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Beat This Caption

Tony Montana’s little seen cat Chi Chi

Monday Question

If your pet could say one thing to you what would it be?

Ruby’s Answer - “don’t leave.”

Ruby Sunday Funnies

 

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror.”

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,

'I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.'

The Pope says, 'No way. You can't do that.'

The Queen says, 'Watch this.' So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union jacks on sticks and cheering and basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, 'Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.'

So he thinks for a minute and then he turns to her and says, 'I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.'

The Queen says, 'No way. It can't be done.'

So the Pope head butts her. nd Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,

'I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.'

The Pope says, 'No way. You can't do that.'

The Queen says, 'Watch this.' So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union jacks on sticks and cheering and basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, 'Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.'

So he thinks for a minute and then he turns to her and says, 'I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.'

The Queen says, 'No way. It can't be done.'

So the Pope head butts her.