Pup of the Week: Memories of Doggyspace and the Paper Princess

  It was a dark and stormy night.  I stood at the top of the stairs awaiting the Bridge’s newest member.  I had never sworn in a dog during a storm before.  And never in the dark either.  I saw a figure, struggling to climb the stairs.  She was paper thin, and several times almost blew away.  Then she reached the top.  “I am sure you are glad to see me here Foley,” the Paper Princess said.

            Princess was her name.  When I signed up for Doggyspace in September of 2008 after Daddy read about a social network site for dogs on the Time magazine website Princess was the one who welcomed me.  She was a fellow Yorkie and I thought we would be great friends.  But we ended up being the bitterest of enemies. 

            It started out great.  We signed up, then went to another site.  When we came back we already had 50 friends.  That number would triple by the end of the evening.  I am not sure of everyone we met that night but we do remember barking with Blazer deep into the night and feeling good that we made a friend.

            The first months were wonderful.  They are a time so many of us refer to as the golden age of Doggyspace.   Sure we might be romanticizing things, there was drama and even some fights but we remember it as a place where we went every night to laugh, to play, to learn the way other dogs trained their humans.  We drank sodas and ate ice creams at Otis’ ice cream shop, we sat in the stands, watched the Furminators play, and we had the grandest parties.  We were a family, a family of thousands, and nothing was going to drive us apart.

            That first month I also found the Moses’ blogs.  Just before I joined DS Moses went to the Bridge and his mother Nancy wrote the most beautiful, moving words I had ever read.  Everything I have written since has been a pale imitation of the emotion, the honesty, and the pain in those blogs.

            As with most families the fights grew worse, and there were arguments, usually Saturday night.  DS merged with another site which had many children as members and sometimes children and dogs don’t mix.  The fight became more extreme and some members of our playground turned mean.  The Princess’ owner began to threaten long standing members while siding with either newer members or those who paid premium memberships.  But still it was our home and we were willing to fight for all the good dogs there, members of our family.

            And then Tanner got sick and was diagnosed with cancer.  His mother was distraught, and one member, who seemed to be in the middle of every fight, made a cruel comment about Tanner and his Mom used the Dad’s name (which was appropriate since he really didn’t own a dog) in the response.  The Dad of the phony dog complained and Tanner was suspended from the site.  I received an e-mail from Tanner, who was very upset about losing his friends just as his Mom needed them most.  I decided to try to make the peace and sent an e-mail to Princess’ Dad Levi asking that either Tanner’s Mom be forgiven, or she at least be allowed on the site until Tanner’s passing because she needed the support.  And that is when we got the e-mail that changed Doggyspace forever.

“As you know the rules are laid out clear, and we can not allow this bickering to continue, nor slander. It may be unforchunit for her personaly, however she knew she should not have done that before she even posted it, and we can not make exceptions in this case due to the size of the event.Dont expect it to be the last eather, the entire admin/support team are hunting down anyone that was part of the event on bothsides as its a clear break of the community rules. Its sad to see so many adults act like children.”

            And that was the statement that changed so much.  I began to contact my closest friends through private messages containing this e-mail.  And then I got suspended, which is when we found out that the Princess’ father was reading our private messages.

            I created my own blog page and printed the letter in my first blog.  Shortly after that, on our own blog page we printed a picture of Princess that we found among common Yorkie pictures on Google proving that Princess was not a real dog.  This got us barred forever and led to many original DS members, fed up with the ownership, the reading of messages, the barring of people, the favoring of others, to leave Doggyspace.   After Tanner passed to the Bridge many of us created new profiles and put pictures of Tanner all of DS in tribute.  The next day the Tanner Brigade was born.

            It seemed that we would be two groups.  Some managed to keep dual membership, others stayed away from DS.   The Paper Princess profile was taken down.  Within the year owner Levi sold the company to Simpio Marketing.  We rejoined the group a few years ago and made wonderful new friends, caught up with old ones, and enjoyed ourselves a great deal, but, in the glory days, one comment would spun 100 more, and now it spurned a quarter of that.  There were other ownership transfers after that, until finally Pet360 bought it, let it rot on the vine, and then ended the site, which put The Paper Princess and me on the top of the Bridge this stormy night.

            “So,” I said impatiently, “Doggyspace is gone and you think that grants you permission to join us at the Bridge?”

            “Of course,” she said. 

            I stamped my paw.  “Neither you nor your Dad really every understood Doggyspace,” I said.  “It wasn’t about computers, or journals, it was about love, friendship and understanding.  And there weren’t any profiles.  Those were memory pages.  Memories of dogs when they were young, stories about them running, playing, swimming and then memories as they slowly aged.  Their entire lifetime on a web page.  And with some of them the story of slowing down, growing old, illnesses, and the final sad passing.   Not a web page, but a life page, and you took it all away.”

            “I’m not responsible for any of that,” the Princes said.

            “Of course you are,” I snapped.  “All you and your owner had to do was step back and let us be but you took away our freedom to bark, you spied on us, and you kicked our friends out.  And then you sold us out to companies that had no heart and only wanted money.  And that led to the site being sold and sold again until it was finally sold to the greatest evil of all, a pet store!  And then shut down because it wasn’t making money, but the funny thing is if anyone ever stopped and asked our parents they would have been happy to pay to keep their memories on line, thousands of dollars a year.  You could have made millions.  But you never believe in how much parents loved us.  They buy us stupid things all the time:  Toys we rip apart in seconds, treats we will never eat, clothes we won’t wear, training whistles, anxiety medicines.  If they would spend money on all that crap imagine what they would pay for our stories, our pictures, and our lives.”

            “I think you are out of order,” the Princess said.

            “You’re out of order!” I shouted.  “If I was half the dog I used to be I would take a flame thrower to that place, but I’m too damn old, I’m too damn short, I don’t have opposable thumbs.”  I took several deep breaths to calm down.  “I just wish the humans who made this decision knew….I just wish they knew.”

            The Princess was no longer talking.  I don’t know it if was the wind, or if she was scared, but she was trembling.

            “But the thing that you and your big business friends don’t understand is that nothing is going to split us apart.  You may have taken a wrecking ball to our home but we are still together, on Facebook, on Tanner Brigade, wherever there are dogs in needs of prayer, in need of support we are there.  You will never keep us apart.  Once again, you have failed, and by the way, you’re not getting sworn in here, you’re not real, you never were, and you don’t mean a thing.”

            And with that the Paper Princess crumpled up and flew away.

            DS might be gone, but the memories, the friendships and the loves will last forever.  Nothing is going to rip us apart.

My Fair Princess Part III

Pocket was sitting on the couch looking out the bay windows at nothing in particular and nervously growling at the leaves stirred by the slight breeze.

I came down the stairs, looking spectacular, wearing one of Bauser’s Tanner Brigade bandanas and a beautiful bow in my hair. Pocket looked at me and groaned. “Oh what is your problem?” I asked her.

“I can’t believe you are escorting Princess to Magoo’s party,” Pocket said. “Our friends will never bark at us again.”

“Nonsense,” I said. “Our friends will hold us in an even higher esteem when they see how I have transformed her.”

“And you can put a bill on a frog but that don’t make it quack,” Pocket said jumping off the couch and running upstairs while I wondered why Bill would want to sit on a frog.

We left the house together. Princess was being taken there in her chariot, which Pocket said would go over like a fart under a blanket on a muggy July night. We saw the sinister Chihuahua sitting in her window, and we both stopped and shook our rumps at her as she howled in protest.

We arrived at the party and we both gave Magoo a kiss and a pair of peanut filled kongs which the birthday pup was very thankful for. Hobo Hudson sauntered up to us and asked: “Hey Monster, rumor is that you’ve invited Princess to the party.”

“That’s right Hobo, but not the Princess you remember, a new Princess, one who will fit in fine with all us regular pups.” My thoughts were interrupted as Princess’ trumpeters began to play her fanfare.

“Obviously Foley, once again you have worked your magic,” an overly sarcastic Hobo said. I ignored his witless gibe and hurried over to Princess who was standing, one paw up, tail held high, waiting to be escorted into the gala.

“Princess, what did I tell you about the trumpets?” I asked.

“It’s the only way I know when to get out of the chariot,” she said. “If the music doesn’t play I just sit there like a turd at the bottom of a bowl.”

“Well Foley Monster you have worked wonders with her vocabulary,” Zoe Boe said. I smiled at her and began escorting Princess through the room. My strategy was to spend as little time as possible with each individual dog, then move on before Princess’ new found charm wore off.

Then I saw her, charging across the dance floor, Mrs. Sophie Bub. “Princess did you see the ice sculpture of Teddy Earnest?” I asked trying to steer her in the opposite direction, but it was too late. Sophie pounced on her. “I want to know exactly why you tossed my poor husband Tanner Bub out of the kingdom just when he got sick. What kind of dog are you?”

I took in such a deep breath I was afraid I would give myself the snorts. We had practiced this for days, the measured, sincerely sorry response, but now, faced with an angry Mrs. Bub, would Princess remember her teachings?

“I have reconsidered my decision concerning Tanner and I think it is possible I may have acted hastily,” Princess said. I smiled, all my work coming to fruition. “In fact I can say with certainty that is was wrung.”

“There Sophie she said she was wrong,” I said leading her away.

“Actually Foley,” that buttinski Hobo said, “she said she was wrung.”

“No Hobo,” I said unable to hide the impatience in my voice, “she said she was wrong.”

“I think it was wrung,” Pocket said grinning.

“Me, too!” Sophie said. “She said wrung!”

“Wrong, wrung, what’s the difference!” I said pulling her away. “She said she was something that began with a w, ended with a g, had an r and an n in it and a vowel in the middle, let’s just move on,” I said pulling Princess but she was stubbornly holding her ground.

“So Hudson,” she said as I muttered an “aw geeze!” “I read your fairy tale, very entertaining, but not based in reality at all. And certainly not something apropreate fir a dig rescue sight.”

“Apropreate fir a dig rescue sight?” Hobo laughed. “I definitely think it was ‘Apropreate fir a dig rescue sight,’ I think the only thing not ‘apropreate fir a dig rescue sight is you!”

“Hey Hobo!” I whispered, “there’s half a steak in it for you if you back off.”

But Hobo was the least of my problems when I saw Erin making a bee line for us. “Have you adopted any of my suggestions?” she asked.

“Such as?” Princess responded.

“Not only doing updates for your paying memberships but updating the site for non paying customers too. Give away something for free,” she said.

“Give away something for free?” Princess laughed. “Somewons made too many tripz to the punch boal!”

I thought things couldn’t get worse. And then they got worse. Crossing the floor, in a beautiful dress and matching hat was Hattie Mae. “You no good no goodnick!” Hattie Mae said to her.

“Hattie Mae!” Princess laughed. “Ew am I supissed tu bee mud? Hah! I’m nut afrud of you, or any of ewe, I’m glud you’re off my sight and I the onely the thit makes me wush ewe were is so I can dilute you all over……..”

Suddenly the ice sculpture of Teddy Earnest tipped over and landed on Princess and all the water that had melted off of Teddy went on her and her paper became saturated. “I’m multing, I’m multing!” she cried as she sunk into the floor.

We turned to look where the statue had been and Pocket stood triumphantly. The Brigade all stood and cheered my little sister, and after a few moments of jealousy, so did I.

“Do you think she’s gone for good?” Baarney asked.

“The Princesses of the world never go away,” Hobo said. “Now let’s find Pocket her steak.”


Pocket and I were back on our balcony, Pocket chewing on her steak, me sitting in my chair, looking on jealously, barking over and over “give me some steak, give me some steak, give me some steak!”

“You know Foley,” she said chewing, “you did come close, and it was a bit unfair of me to pick Princess.”

“Yeah, I got screwed, give me some steak, give me some steak.”

“Maybe we could make another bet,” Pocket said, clearly not going to give me any steak.

“What do you have in mind?” I asked.

“Well Foley, you’re real talent is with humans, I mean I think you could make any woman into a wonderful, tender loving Mom.”

“I can. I can. If I do will you give me some steak!”

“I will, if you can change this woman, but if you can’t, I get another steak!” Pocket said.

“I can, I can, any woman, now give me some steak.”

“In one moment,” Pocket said. She then picked up cell paw and spoke into it. “Can you send up Mrs. Gosselin please?” she asked.

I sat back in my chair. I was never going to get steak.

Tanner Brigade: Musical Act II

The Tanner Brigade: The Musical

Act II

Scene One

Foley and Pocket learn that Tanner has been banned from DS and they petition Princess to allow him back. Princess comes down from on high to answer

“Tanner Bub” (sung to Rehab)


(PRINCESS)

You want me to bring back Tanner but I said 'no, no, no'
She broke the rules it’s very unforchunit you know know know
I ain’t go the time to listen to you puppies whine
You want me to let Tanner back but he must go go go

I’d rather be on line with edy
Cutting down doggies that we may
Cause there's nothing
There's nothing you can say
Unless there’s money you want to pay

I don’t’ have a lot of class
And if you don’t like it kiss my ass

You want me to bring back Tanner but I said 'no, no, no'
He broke the rules it’s very unforchunit you know know know
I ain’t got the time to listen to you puppies whine
You want me to let Tanner back but he must go go go

The man said ‘that dog said my name’
I said get him out of here
I don’t need any babies
It will keep me from fame
Foley said I made her depressed
I said get back with the rest

They tried to make me take back Tanner but I said ‘no, no, no’
She broke the rules it’s very unforchunit you know know know

I don't ever wanna think again
I just don’t need friends
I'm not gonna have my advertisers
think these pups have gone around the bend

It's not just my pride
I need to pay for my mail order bride

They tried to make me take back Tanner but I said ‘no, no, no’
She broke the rules it’s very unforchunit you know know know
I ain’t go the time to listen to you puppies whine
You want me to let Tanner back but he must go go go

Act II. Scene II.


In which Foley Monster and Pocket try to decide what they should do about Tanner’s banishment.

What would Moses Newfie do? Sung to what would Brian Botanio do?

(FOLEY AND POCKET)
What would Moses Newfie do
If he was here right now,
He'd make a plan
And he'd follow through,
That's what Moses Newfie‘d do.

When Moses Newfie was on Mount Everest,
With Sir Hillary,
He dragged to the top that English putz
While wearing a blind fold.

When Moses Newfie was in the desert,
Fighting terrorists,
He used his magical fire breath,
And saved the entire army.

So what would Moses Newfie do
If he were here today,
I'm sure he'd bite an ass or two,
That's what Moses Newfie‘d do.

What would Moses Newfie do,
He'd call all the dogs in town,
And tell them to unite for Tanner
That's what Moses Newfie would do.

When Moses Newfie travelled through time
To the year 1776
He led the troops across the Delaware
and saved the American country

And when Moses Newfie built the pyramids,
He beat up Kubela Kong.

Cos Moses Newfie doesn't take shit from an-e-y-body

So lets all get together,
And unite to stop Princess
And we'll save Tanner Bub too,
Cos that's what Moses Newfie do.

And we'll save Tanner Bub too,
Cos that's what Moses Newfie do.
That's what Moses Newfie do.

Act II. Scene III.

In which Teddy Bond, Foley and Pocket lead the Tanner Brigade from the castle into the wilderness

“Dogs on the Run” sung to Band on the Run

(TANNER BRIGADE)
Stuck inside this castle, sent inside forever,
Never seeing no one nice again like Tanner,
Tanner you, Tanner you.
If I ever get out of here,
I’m going to find a new playground
With freedom to bark all day
All I need is a new place to bark
If I ever get out of here.

Well the walls exploded with a mighty crash and there was Teddy Bond
And Zoe Boe said to the Lambies it’s time to jump the pond
Dogs on the run, dogs on the run.
And Hobo Hudson and Ashton said it was time to have some fun

For the dogs on the run, dogs on the run, dogs on the run, dogs on the run

Well, the Princess drew a heavy sigh seeing how many had gone,
And a bell was ringing in the village square to search until dawn
Dogs on the run, Dogs on the run.
And Teddy Bond and the Foley Monster, were leading every one

For the dogs on the run, dogs on the run, dogs on the run, dogs on the run

Well, the night was falling as the Tanner Brigade began to settle down.
In the castle they’re searching for us every where, but we never will be found.
Dogs on the run, dogs on the run

And the Princess, who held a grudge
Will search for evermore
For the dogs on the run, dogs on the run, dogs on the run, dogs on the run

Act II: Scene IV:

As Tanner prepares to cross to Rainbow Bridge the Brigade invades the Princess’ Castle to pay tribute to him.

“La Tanner Bub” sung to “La Boheme”

FOLEY
Dearly beloved, we gather here to say
our goodbyes
Here he lies
Only we know his worth
The late great son of Mother Earth
On this night we celebrate the life
In this castle of Princess
We raise our glass- Hey bitch kiss my ass-
La Tanner Bub

ALL
La Tanner Bub
La Tanner Bub
La Tanner Bub
La Tanner Bub

POCKET
To days of inspiration,
Chasing ball all day; playing
with nothing, the need
To express-
to communicate,
To going against the grain,
Going insane,
Going mad

ZOEY BOE
To loving friends to the end
To going around the bend
To separation anxiety,
To praying to a deity
Not to mention of course,
Loving our mom and dad

3 L’S
To going for a walk
Midday past the three piece suits-
To toots- to hoots
To Puppy boots- To choice-
To freedom of voice-
To chewing nyla bones

ALL
To being an us- For once-
Instead of a them-
La Tanner Bub

CASPER & HERSHEY
To hand-crafted carts to push us around
To snausages, bacon, treats and cheese
To running, to playing, To roll on the floor
To waking every morning to a new day

TED BOND
To Gadgets, lasers, three martini lunches
Tuxedos, Playing hunches

MATILDA
To Steak for all three lunches

HATTIE MAE
To compassion, to fashion, to passion
To pretty pink hats

PEPSI
To castrating husbands

HOBO
To non-union kitties

BAARNEY AND TABAATHA
To anything on wheels

SHAMS AND SWEETS
To Weekly Puppy Digests

LUCA
To Fred Browne

BOUDICA
To Buttons at the Bridge

MATILDA
To Moses!

BAMA GANG
To the Tide

RAIDER
To the Sox

SHADOW
Peace on Earth too

REBA AND ABNER
To non pure bred dogs born through love
To Mutts

ALL
La Tanner Bub

FOLEY, POCKET, SOPHIE, TEDDY
To Yorkies, Lambies, Yellow Labradors,
Papillions, poodles, beagles,
Giant New Foundlanders
German Shepards, Bull dogs
Tiny little Shih Tzus, Lhasa Aps
To Silky Terriers

ALL
To barks, to larks, to playing in the dark
Pet Stages- Dental Bones, Cream filed Kongs
To no shame- Never playing the blame gang

HOBO
To table scraps

ALL
A de-worming
Is between my vet and me
To empty anal glands
La Tanner Bub

FOLEY, POCKET AND HOBO
To Writing
No Way To Make A Living, criticisim
Writers blocks, editors,
Carpal Tunnel, ADS, Dying-
Careers, Massive layoffs

ERIN
To Computers
Web pages, Icons, Instant Messages,
Emotes, Designs, Avatars,
Graphic designs, Freedom to Bark

PUPPY, BRANDON, WISHBONE
To Fostering
Giving Love, Giving freedom from
Isolation,
Finding forever homes, raiding puppy mills,
With endless compassion

ZOE BOE
To Drawing
Sketching, coloring, Bringing life
To Dreams,
To Mount Dogmore, Shih Tzus in Training
Making Art to live forever

ALL
To Puggles, Westies, Hounds, And tough little kitties
Too

FOLEY
To Me

TEDDY
To Me

HERSHEY AND CASPER
To Me

ALL
To You, And You And You, You And You
To puppies barking what, barking what,
Barking what they feel
Not being censored from barking what they mean

Let He Among Us Without Sin
Be The First To Condemn

La Tanner Bub
La Tanner Bub
La Tanner Bub

FOLEY
Anyone Want Out of the
Castle?
Is Anyone Still In the
Castle?
Any dog who wants the freedom
To bark
Tear Down The Walls
Why don’t we all?

ERIN
The Opposite Of War
Isn't Peace...
It's Freedom

ALL
La Tanner Bub
La Tanner Bub
La Tanner Bub
Viva La Tanner Bub

The tale of the Tanner Brigade's daring raid on Princess castle

Gather around my children, I am going to tell you the story. I know you all want to hear it again. Yes the one about your Great, Great, Grandmother Foley and the daring raid the Tanner Brigade made on the Castle in Cyberland the night that Tanner went to Rainbow Bridge.

No, she’s not really your grandmother. Because she was neutered that’s why. Trust me, you don’t want to know what that is, but you will soon enough.

You see the Tanner Brigade were a bunch of rebels, most tossed out of the Kingdom, others working as double agents. The Kingdom’s rulers were evil. They banished Tanner to die alone in the woods. But he brought us all together, even though he was weak and tired.

All the members of the Tanner Brigade met in the woods just outside the Castle as Tanner was traveling to the bridge. We can still only use their code names, because the evil Princess sees all, like the eye of Sauron, but with a stigmatism: They were The General, Willie, Bubsy, Sage, Harley, Rocky. Rennat Redux, Butch, Trevor, and so many others this old mind can’t keep track.

Now do you want to know the truth? It wasn’t Foley’s idea to raid the castle that night. That came from a very wise dog that we will call R.M. Foley wasn’t sure about that idea. She was very wise, but the castle scared her. And they did not have anyway in.

Then the puppy seals spoke up. No, they weren’t seals, they were dogs trained by their leader Supersonic. They volunteered to swim across the moat and drop the drawbridge so the raiders could enter the castle.

The Tanner Brigade waited in the woods, and then they saw the drawbridge come down and got the paws up from the seals. “Go, go, go!” Foley yelled and the Brigade poured back into the kingdom. “Are you going too?” Pocket asked Foley and Foley said, “I think I should wait here.”

Pocket got in her face. “You can’t send dogs into battle and not go with them!” she said, Foley lay in the grass and began picking dirt from her paws. “You have to go Foley, you’re the leader, you can’t let them get caught.” “Oh, all right,” Foley said. “But you’re coming with me Pocket, if I get thrown to the wolves you’re going first.”

Foley ran into the castle, moving quickly, afraid she would get caught. She was asked her name and she said The General and they welcomed her. She moved about the walls stunned, because everywhere there were either pictures of Tanner Bub or the dogs that looked exactly like him.

She went to the wall where the pictures of the newest members were and she saw they were all of Tanner. She looked at the walls where dogs wrote messages and they were about Tanner too, and many of the dogs that had left the messages looked just like our Bub.

Then she could hear the shrieking coming from the top of the castle as Princess saw pictures everywhere of the dog she banished and she sent out her evil troops to find our brave pups as they scurried over the walls and across the drawbridge back to the darkness of the woods.

But Foley was spending so much time reading the tributes to her friend that she did not leave in time despite Pocket’s desperately trying to pull on her ears. They turned to leave and there were two of the Princess’ dogs looking down on them and both Yorkies got down covering their eyes with their paws.

They were waiting to be bit, to be dismembered, or worse, when suddenly there was a tiny white blur and the Princess’ dogs were knocked down and then both Pocket and Foley were picked up by the scruffs of their neck in tiny little teeth and they were whisked over the moat into the safety of the woods.

They landed gently and then Foley looked up at the tuxedo-clad dog that had saved them and she asked who he was and he said: “The name is Bond. Teddy Bond.” Foley asked him if she could get him anything for saving them and he asked for a bowl of water, shaken not stirred.

They made their way back to their camp but were stunned to see what was there: The whiniest, most self-pitying, self-hating, annoying, harassing, mean, immature, self-involved, obsequies, officious, oh my God not him agent Princess had and he was sitting in the middle of the camp saying the most hateful things about Tanner and his brigade.

All the dogs said leave, go, no one wants you here. But he stayed there barking, and growling, and hissing, and oh my God the whining, and soon the Tanner Brigade looked like it would be split up forever when Foley made a very big decision.

Like General Washington slipping away from Brooklyn Heights in the fog Foley and the Tanner Brigade slipped away to the depths of cyberspace where they could control who joins their brigade and never be bothered by Princess again, leaving her agent to sit alone in camp whining to the trees.

So where did the Tanner Brigade go? Well no one will say for sure. But legend is this is where you can find them:

“Wherever there's a guy beatin' a dog
Wherever a hungry newborn puppy cries
Where there's a fight 'gainst the puppy mills and dog stores in the mall
Look for me Pup I'll be there
Wherever there's doggy lookin' for a lap to lie
Or decent home or not to be tied
Wherever puppy's strugglin' to be free
Look in their eyes pup’s you'll see me”

`

An open letter to Princess

Hi Princess. How are you? That’s good.

Well, it’s been almost a month since we parted. It did end rather poorly, didn’t it? I guess there’s plenty of blame to go around.

I have a new park now. No, it’s not as fancy as yours, no birthday reminders, or gifts, or groups. It’s a little clunky to get around. But we all like it very much. Mostly because we can bark what we want. We’re a rebellious group, we do like to bark our own opinions.

I don’t know how much you’d like it. There aren’t a lot of rules. I know you like rules. Structure can be a good thing for many dogs.

In your park, you got to make the rules and enforce them against whomever you wanted. I guess that made you the bully. And you were quite a good bully my friend. You bullied people to delete their profile, when they wouldn’t do that you just deleted them yourself. You turned good dog against good dog. Hey, you even had people so scared they deleted their profile on other sites. I mean really, a tip of the tail to you.

You still have your very strong, very virile park, while we have our little one. You have thousands of members, we dozens. Our little defections have probably not disrupted a blade of grass in your park.

But you couldn’t stay out of our park could you? You had to come slinking in (or at least someone doing your work), posting your picture, stirring up drama, scaring our scarred little dogs. Some, at the mere scent of you, were ready to abandon our park and run blindly into the woods.

Of course you’re presence was easily detected, the scent of weasel that drifted over us, the sky suddenly growing overcast, the poor spelling. A strong, sudden move, charging in at us, barking loudly, “I am here, fear me, run!”

Got to admit, not my style. What would I do? Well, funny you should ask. See, I’m a little dog, not powerful like you, I don’t need to stand in the middle of the pack and bark for attention. No, see what I would do is, say (hypothetically) that I figured once I began asking for e-mail addresses from other members so I could share with them your response to Tanner’s banishment, you would banish me in punishment.

Hypothetically, even before you realized what I was doing, I would use another computer, use another e-mail address, use another picture of a dog (not one found on Google, nothing as pedestrian as that) say a friend’s dog, and create a new profile so, when the day came I was banished from your park, I was actually still there, like you, hiding behind another dog.

So, you know, just thinking out loud here, while you have patrolled your park keeping everyone in order, one of your nicest, most subservient dogs would be, in reality the Foley Monster.

But why do this? Is your park just so cool I had to sneak in? No, see, you’re kind of predictable. I didn’t know how things would shake out, but I had a plan of action, and knew it would anger you, and you would seek retribution. So, while I waited, occasionally having my puppy make comments here and there, nothing too obvious (he’s kind of a dullard, by the way, that’s a clue) I would gather information about the Doggy Park you run.

What I didn’t count on, is the number of dogs who’d join me, dogs with connections I don’t have and man they found so much….boring information: company addresses, employees, home addresses, e-mail addresses, phone numbers, I mean stuff no one wants posted but still nothing earth shattering.

But I’ve got to think there’s more out there, and when it’s found, wouldn’t it be just the coolest thing if it was posted at 3:00 AM on a Sunday like McGyver’s was and sat there on your site for everyone to see. You got to admit, pretty cool. Unless, of course, you find out who I am. Just to make it fun, I left one blatant clue, and another that gives the name away, but you’ve got to be pretty savvy to pick it up.

But it doesn’t have to be. So here’s the deal: You stay out of our dog park, you stop bullying my friends and let us play in peace, and that hypothetical profile of mine will quietly disappear. But, if you insist on coming running into our park causing a commotion and scaring my friends, well then “game on” my friend. The ball is in your court.

As Woody said to Sid in Toy Story: “Play nice.”

Foley v. Princess is settled on Judge Judy

The plaintiff is Foley Monster: She says she was illegally banned from an Internet site for dogs and she wants to be allowed back on. (Foley and Pocket walk in and stand behind a desk.)

The defendant is Princess: She owns the Internet site and she says she can do whatever she wants. (Someone carrying a cardboard cut out of a Yorkshire Terrier comes in wearing a curtain.)

It’s the case of the Yapping Yorkies:

(Judge Judy comes in, sits behind the bench, and looks at the file then looks up.)

Judge Judy: OK. It is my understanding that Ms. Monster is suing Ms Princess over access to an internet social network for dogs that Ms Princess is asking we do not refer to by name and we will respect those wishes. Now what is this? An Internet site for dogs? Bird….what is this Internet site for dogs I don’t understand?.

Bird: Grumble, mumble, don’t know, never heard of it before chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.

Judge Judy: Internet community for dogs, now I’ve seen everything. And you, Ms. Monster thinks you should be let on to the site by Ms. Princess over here. (She looks at Ms. Princess.) Excuse me, Ms. Princess, but are you even a real dog?

Princess: Yes, I am a real dog. Bark bark!

Judge Judy: Because from here you look like some guy hiding behind a curtain holding a picture of some dog you found on the Internet.

Princess: No, me very real, me growl at you. Growl.

Judge Judy: Whatever. I don’t have time for this. I will here you Ms. Monster.

Foley Monster: Thank you your honor. I was a member of this Internet site for dogs.

Judge Judy: Excuse me Ms. Monster but in this courtroom you stand when you address the judge.

Foley Monster: I am standing your honor.

Judge Judy: Oh, I see you are. Bird give her a treat.

(Bird walks over and gives Foley a treat.)

Princess: Can I have a treat your honor?

Judge Judy: YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A MOUTH WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE HIM TO STICK THE TREAT MIAMI? OK, Ms, Monster you can continue.

Foley Monster: Well I posted this journal and my friend Tanner Bub wrote something he shouldn’t….

Judge Judy: What’s a Tanner Bub?

Foley Monster: He’s my friend. He’s a very sick dog.

Judge Judy: Well I am very sorry to hear that but I don’t have time to name all your sick friends just get to the part where you were banned from the Internet site.

Foley Monster: Well, I sent my friends a message to e-mail me, and they did, and I told them how Princess was very mean to the sick dog and then I started a blog to tell people about it.

Judge Judy: A what?

Foley Monster: A blog.

Judge Judy: A blog? Bird, help me out here, what’s a blog?

Bird: Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, Blog, chuckle chuckle.

(Judge Judy looks over to where Foley is and sees a dog with it’s paw in the air)

Judge Judy: Put your paw down. Who is this anyway?

Foley: It’s my sister Pocket. She got her account deleted too.

Judge Judy: Is this true Pocket did you get your account deleted?

Pocket: Yes I did can I have a treat?

Judge Judy: Just a minute so did you share an account?

Pocket: No I had my own can I have a treat?

Judge Judy: And you were deleted because of something she did?

Pocket: Yes, now can I pleeassseeee have a treat?

Judge Judy: Give her one. (Bird throws a treat and Pocket scampers after it) This is why I never get involved in dog cases. So Ms. Monster why do you say it was unfair for Ms. Princess over here to delete your profile?
Foley: Princess says I disobeyed the community guideline but the only thing I did on that site was ask for e-mail addresses, everything else was done in private e-mail or blog postings. So how could I have broken the community guidelines if I didn’t do it on the website?

Judge Judy: Did you receive a notice that you had broken the guidelines?

Foley: No, I went to sign on one day and it said I was on 14 day suspension and then two days later my account was gone.

Princess: Your honor we always let our users now they are being suspended.

Judge Judy: IS ANYONE TALKING TO YOU MS. PRINCESS? So you never posted anything after asking for the e-mail addresses of your friends?

Foley: I sent a gift to a friend on their birthday but that is it.

Judge Judy: All right Ms. Princess. What is your side of this?

Princess: First of all: your honor the entire thing is unforchunit.

Judge Judy: It’s what?

Princess: It’s unforchunit.

Judge Judy: What?

Princess: Unforchunit.

Judge Judy: What?

Princess: Un-forch-u-nit.

Judge Judy: Bird, what word is that?

Bird: Mumble, mumble, chuckle, don’t know, chuckle, chuckle.

Princess: I object!

Judge Judy: Object to what?

Princess: Fowl language.

Judge Judy: Fowl language? What are you talking about fowl language.

Princess: Bird, it’s a fowl word, I don’t allow it on my site.
Judge Judy: Princess, have you had any sort of formal education at all?

Princess: I went to Germanna Community College in Virginia.

Judge Judy: And at that Community College did they teach you how to spell?

Princess: Yes. In fact I one the speling bea.

Judge Judy: Oh I doubt that very highly, very highly Ms. Princess. Now tell me, why did you delete Ms. Foley’s and Ms. Pocket’s accounts, specifically how did they break the community guidelines.

Princess: They broke the most important guideline, they made me mad.

Judge Judy: And you think just because you get made at someone it gives you the right to throw them from your site even though they have made hundreds of friends there who miss them and want them back?

Princess: Yup.

Judge Judy: Ms. Princess, I have to point out, that you are not actually what you appear.

Princess: What do you mean?

Judge Judy: I MEAN YOU’RE A MAN UNDER A CURTAIN HOLDING UP A CARDBOARD CUT UP OF A YORKIE! Do you even own a dog?

Princess: Yes, of course, I love dogs.

Judge Judy: Then why not have them come here instead of hiding behind this fake dog?

Princess: I don’t want my dogs hanging out with a bunch of dogs that have parents that post stories about their dogs on the Internet. I don’t want them hanging out with that bunch of losers.

Judge Judy: But this is a site for social interaction isn’t it?

Princess: Right, but eureka, I’ve come up with a great idea. There should be two degrees of separation in social networks, but we only have one, but we are thinking of making it three so only your friends but not your friend friends can see it and the we settled with four degrees of separation so the only person who can see your profile is you. So, when you can only be friends with myself there are no arguments. I lost my virginity that way.

Judge Judy: Well I think that is very unfortunate.

Princess: What?

Judge Judy: Unfortunate.

Princess: What’s that word?

Judge Judy: Never mind Ms. Princess, I have other things to do today, I don’t have time for you. Now as for you Ms. Foley and Ms. Pocket while I sympathize with you and your friends Princess owns the site and he can do whatever he wants with it, no matter how misguided that is. So in your suit I am going to find in favor of the defendant and…..Bird, is something leaking?. (Judge Judy looks down) Pocket? Did you just pee on my leg?

Pocket: No your honor I think it is raining.

Judge Judy: Pocket do not pee on my leg and tell me that it’s raining. Now go back over there with Foley. (Pocket goes back over with Foley.) Now as for your counter-suit for lost wages Princess, you are asking for lost wages of $15,697.83. What is that for?

Princess: That’s a day wages for coming here.

Judge Judy: That is how much you make a dog off this dog site?

Princess: It’s out slow season your honor.

Judge Judy: Counterclaim dismissed. Good day.

(Pocket and Foley leave the courtroom. From the distance they here) Judge Judy: Bird I just stepped in dog poo while leaving the bench.

Bird: Oh, chuckle, chuckle, poo, chuckle, chuckle.

Princess: Fowl language again. Delete. Delete.

Blog IV: The Search for Princess

By Foley:

The first time I saw that dastardly Princess of Cyberland I knew I had seen her before. Was it during the raid in Algiers? Was it in the jungles of Venezuela where I am known as “The Iguana?” Pocket and I put on our private dick hats and began to search for where we had seen this femme fatale before. Then we stumbled on to a place called Google. It was huge, with all the information in the world cluttered in every spot, and then, in a especially dark and dangerous place called Yorkshire Terrier Puppy Pictures we found this link: http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&client=firefox-a&channel=s&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&hs=e8U&um=1&q=yorkshire+terrier+puppy+photos&sa=N&start=702&ndsp=18

There she was, first column, second row, in a group of pictures used by people who don’t own a Yorkie and need a photo of one, our Princess. “Oh my Dog Pocket do you know what this means?” I asked her. “Yes, Princess has pimped herself out to a toilet paper company,” she said.

“No,” I said. “The picture in Princess’ profile isn’t Princess at all.” (I knew she wasn’t a Yorkie.) But why? Why would someone pretend to be a sweet innocent little Yorkie pup? We decided to send Princess an e-mail posing as a six month old Pom pup. We arranged a meeting at the doggy park. Then we got a film van to tape what happened. But we couldn’t agree who would steer and who would work the pedals, so we left it behind and wrote down everything that happened.

At the allotted time of the meeting a snake slithered into the park and went to the bench we had designated at our meeting spot. In it’s mouth it had a bag with a pink bow. It curled beneath the bench waiting for the poor innocent pup expecting to meet a friend they made on line.

The snake’s tongue slipped in and out in anticipation. But instead of a pup a man sat on the bench. “Were you expecting someone else?” the man asked. “No, not really,” the snake said. The man bent down and picked up the bag. “Puppy Milk bones, a rawhide treat, a squeaky duck, you were expecting to meet a puppy weren’t you? Perhaps one you met on line?”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” the snake said trying to slither away. “Excuse me Princess, my name is Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. You are on To Catch a Puppy Predator. Isn’t it true that you arranged to meet a under aged Pom named Sunshine here, ply her with rawhide treats and a squeaky duck, and then swallow her hole? Isn’t it true you are posing on the Internet as a Yorkie named Princess? Do you have a problem Mr. Snake?

“I do, I do, I do have a huge problem, I’m not a Yorkie named Princess. I downloaded a photo on Google and set up a fake identity to lure in unsuspecting pups and delete them with my giant jaws of doom.” And…scene.

The rules of Cyberland that have come down from on high is that no one may have a profile on Doggyspace who is not a real dog. Princess has a photo downloaded from Google and no others. Her photos are of other dogs, her videos are of other dogs. You would think, with all the dogs in shelters, with all the rescue groups paying tithe to the castle, that the owner of Cyberland could at least have rescued a dog instead of creating a fake profile.

In Cyberland, under Princess’ rule, all dogs are equal. But some dogs are more equal than others.

In the words of the Princess herself: “As you know the rules are laid out clear…. It may be unforchunit for her personaly, however she knew she should not have done that before she even posted it, and we can not make exceptions…… as its a clear break of the community rules. Its sad to see so many adults act like children.”

So, because the rules are the rules, and we all have to follow the rules, there can only be one course of action for this behavior. So Tanner brigade line up. Good job. Now let’s turn and face the castle and let’s speak as one:

“ DELETE PRINCESS
DELETE PRINCESS
DELETE PRINCESS
DELETE PRINCESS”

HOOOOWWWWWLLLLLL! Refuges for Cyberland Again.






http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5412352060304759370#

New Home

Hi all you good little pups and lollipops. It's your two favorite troublesome little Yorkies, Foley Monster and Pocket. We are refugees from a place we will call Cyberland. It was ruled by an evil, illiterate Princess. This Princess pretended the land was safe for pups and lollipops but she lied. Princess protected the evil saints, the rude byeatches, the hurtful ankle biters, and banished those lollipops and pups who complained. The final straw for Pocket and I was the banishment of our friend Tanner. You see, beautiful Tanner, he was very sick with cancer and had not been given much time. His owner, a wonderful woman, was getting support from all the good pups and lollipops but she spoke out against the evil Saint and was banished to the dark woods to stay cold and isolated until Tanner passed to the Rainbow Bridge. Pocket and I sent this very nice missive to the evil Princess:

"
-->I know Tanner's Mom made at least one really bad mistake. She left a comment on my journal last night when she named a former (redacted) member's owner. She knew it was wrong right away and sent me a message to delete it, but I didn't until morning. I am asking you to reconsider that Tanner be allowed back on because he's dying. His owner needs his friends at this time. Once he passes, if you don't want to allow the owner on again, fair enough. I understand how hard it is to administer this. It was a serious mistake to name names, but I think it's also important to support her, maybe her grief made her type something she shouldn't have. Thank you for your consideration"
The evil illiterate Princess answered thusly:
-->

“As you know the rules are laid out clear, and we can not allow this bickering to continue, nor slander. It may be unforchunit for her personaly, however she knew she should not have done that before she even posted it, and we can not make exceptions in this case due to the size of the event. Dont expect it to be the last eather, the entire admin/support team are hunting down anyone that was part of the event on bothsides as its a clear break of the community rules. Its sad to see so many adults act like children.

And then the Princess slammed the door on poor Tanner so filled up with cancer. Or, as Princess would decry, she slumed th dur on purr Tuner. At which point Pocket and I, raised to right the wrongs in the world, began using e-mail to contact other members telling them what happened and for that we were banished from Cyberland for two weeks. Princess banished us with these words: "
-->Your are temporarily suspended from (redacted)until May 15 because of Attempting to create hostility among other members on (redacted) by bringing a past issue that you where told to let go for the better of the community. (See community guidelines). Next strike will result in a full ban on account."
An education is a terrible thing to waste.

So, our profiles will stay up in Cyberland maybe for a little bit but then be gone. You can find us here. It is easy to post comments here, but you do need a g-mail account, which is free and easy to get, and you can use a completely different e-mail address so the Princess of Cyberland can't banish you. Or you can e-mail us at Foleymonsterandpocket@gmail.com. We'll be watching over all of you, and we'll be putting our two cents in here, free of Princess' rule.

Oh, and one more thing: For Tanner, for Hattie Mae, for all the other members of the Resistance out there, in the spirit of how us lollipops and pups play and nip: Hey Princess: Bite me!