Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Another addition of Ask Aunt Foley

Dear Aunt Foley,
I think I have a serious problem and would like your advice.  See, I love people.  Any people.  Anyone that comes to my kennel, I love them.  I like to kiss them, snuggle them, sit in their laps, lay my head on their chests, and play with them.  I love for them to rub my belly.  I will even get into bed with them to do all of these things.  I especially love it if the people will make me run down the street, chasing a ball.  And, of all the people that I do these things with, I love men people best.  I wanted to go home with the latest man person that came by.  He now thinks I belong to him, but his wife says no, and my kennel keeper says no.  I'm thinking of running away from my kennel.  One of my rain-loving furiends has offered her home with a new ball and plenty of ice cream.  I have East Coast furiends that like to run away from their kennel and walk the streets, free as jaybirds, too.  The man person that I fell in love with lately is named John.  Does all of this make me a chocolate ho-ho?  Are my furiends ho-ho's too, even if they're not chocolate?  Does my kennel keeper own me like a slave or is she a pump?  My life here is good, she takes care of all of my needs and throws the ball for me......sometimes.  Do you know the name of Tiger's rehab facility?  Or maybe the Weiner hospital?  Do they take tennis balls in payment for treatment?  By the way, I'm a boy.

Please help me!

A Chocolate Fan of yours and baseball (even if my team is in bankruptcy)

Dear Chocolate Fan:

I often get asked questions like this and I study each one carefully and you arrive at the same wise advice:  Are you frakking crazy?  Not about loving people.  I love attention from people.  The stranger the better.  (Both the people and the attention.)  Often on my walks I steer Daddy Slope Nose toward another walker so I can get attention like you do.  And when we have a visitor I sit and growl at them until I get scratched just below the throat.  If they scratch somewhere else I continue growling until they scratch just below my throat.  I have bonded with many Old Spotted Slope Noses since I have moved to the place where the people smell like prunes, but take my advice, the grass only seems greener on the other side of the fence, usually because the nitrogen in our pee makes the grass burn.  You have a pool, you have a loving family and siblings.  Never leave your home no matter how much a neighbor entices you with his fuzzy balls.   You could use the threat of leaving to get more ice cream but don't push the issue.  You don't want to lost the home you have now.  You are not a chocolate ho-ho, you are a lab and it is in your DNA to want to roam, but don't act on it.  You got it good kid.  Don't mess it up.  Your friends on the east coast who walk the streets, well here on the east coast, a dog who walks the street for more than five minutes becomes a drug mule.  So you don't want to become  chocolate lab Lindsay Lohan do you?  The streets are no place for an innocent chocolate lab like you.  You are not a slave, you just need to gain the upper hand.  Learn how to float on your back in the pool.  Your Mommy will be so happy when she finds you were just floating she will shower you with love.  I think you meant to ask me if you're Mommy is a pimp and she certainly is not.  You did write is she a pump?  Yes.  And you don't need re-hab you're just going through some growing pains.  Come winter you will realize you are where you belong.  And never give tennis balls as payments.

Dear Aunt Foley

We were in our back yard earlier in the summer when we noticed that the side gate was open.  Well we strolled right through it and then we were out on the wild streets of the North Shore section of Massachusetts.  We were roaming together, marking every lawn,barking up a storm, showing who the boss of the neighborhood is, when we ran into our pet walker friend and she brought us back home.  Mom was not very happy that we were had left.  A few days later while doing a rescue run she forgot to feed us.  Is an open gate an invitation to go visit the neighbors?  And did Mom have some sort of psychological break where she didn't forget to feed us but was punishing us with her subconscious?

The Pokester and the Magster

Dear Pokestar and Magster:

I read about your adventure when you left home, and, as I told you then, I do not approve of your actions at all.  Just because you come to the edge of a cliff doesn't mean you have to jump.  There is no better person at taking care of you and loving you than your Mom.  The next time you get confronted by an open gate one of you sit in the middle of it and the other go to the door and bark.  When Mommy comes to the door both look at the gate and then back at her to let her know someone left the gate open.  She will be so happy that you're good dogs she'll give you special treats.  As for you second question I don't think she subconsciously did not feed you.  I think she said screw the little bastards for taking off on me and left you hungry on purpose. 

Dear Aunt Foley:

I was licking my paws next to my new brother brother when I noticed his feet are webbed.  What the Blue Dog is going on with his feet?  Is he a duck dog?  And we are baby sitting another dog.  We just got Nikki, we just Bo, there is a lot of confusion here.  Shouldn't we have a say in who is coming to live here and are we being subjected to experimental dogs?

Sad confused Sandy

Dear Sad and Confused:

Thank you for bringing up a very important point.  The humans started out trying to mix all of us with poodles.  There is nothing wrong with poodles.  One of my best friends, Blazer, is a poodle.  But I don't know why every dog breed needs to have poodle in the name.  Great Daoddle.  Siberian Puskey.  Pooman Shepard.  And now they are trying to cross us with other life forms.  Obviously Nikki is some kind of dog duck combination.  A Poodle Duck or Puck.  A Shih Tzu Duck or Shuck.  A French Poodle Duck or a Fu....well you understand.  First it is important to remember that Nikki did not ask to become some dog duck hybrid.  It also may explain why he has so often been covered in horse poo.  Your Mom is mistaken.  He does not roll in it.  He tries to fly over the stables and comes crashing down into the poo.  We must stop humans from cross breeding.  As for their own kind what they do behind the barn is their business.  We are going to be babysitting our older cousin Bailey this week.  We don't mind babysitting.  We call her the Queen mother.  She just sits on the couch on pillows and looks down on us.  She isn't any real work.  We have to wait to pee (well I do, Pocket holds pee for no man) because Bailey is 14 and doesn't hold well first thing in the morning.  Also her parents think she is blind and deaf but she does play a mean pinball.  So yes we should have a say in who we babysit but it's like a foster dog, just another dog that needs a home for awhile, except this one's butt smells familiar.

Dear Aunt Foley:

My Mommy keeps leaving me to go to California to watch a TV show called The Talk.  Why does she have to keep going to see in person what she can see on TV?  And why can't I go?

Sexy Shadow

Dear Sexy Shadow

Your Mommy loves you as much as any Mom loves a pup but sometimes Moms need a day or two away, not from you, but from everyone.  Also she goes to see The Talk because she can't get tickets to the View.

Why the hell is it so freaking hot outside?

Sweating Sydney

Dear Sweating Sydney:

Well the Earth revolves around the sun and our country is closer to the sun right now.  This makes more day light and makes the heat rise.  Also the closer you live to the middle of the Earth, like Florida or Arizona, it is hotter.  So it is all very scientific.  Oh and also the humans are completely killing the planet but we'll be at the Bridge a long time before the Earth explodes.

Dear Aunt Foley:

What the hell happened to our couch?

Playful Pocket

Dear Playful Pocket:

Aunt Jodi took our couch.  I don't know why.  Maybe Koli and Felix needed a new couch.  They have done a lot for us with food and poo and treats so if they want a couch they can have it.  I would have liked to have been asked first but that's OK.  We have a nice new chocolate love seat (not real chocolate, but the same color) that is super comfy so it all worked out well for everyone.  I would love to get a picture of Koli and Feli on our couch.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my! So much advice is needed. I am going to have to sit down and write my issues to get your advice! What's the deal with tennis balls? I have no interest in them at all...

    ReplyDelete