A Few Things About My Breed by River Song

I know many of you are not be familiar with my breed.  Let me give you the description of a Brussels Griffon from the AKC and explain them in terms humans will understand.

1.  “The affectionate, charming and curious personality of the Brussels Griffon makes it a good companion dog.”  Affectionate:  I am going to lick your face.  A lot.  While I do this I am going to stand on your chest and I don’t really care how sensitive your chest area may be.  I also love to stick my tongue in your ear, nose, and, if you are not careful, any available orifice.  Charming:  As long as you count things like pooping in my crate, jumping on the table, jumping on the end table where the three orchards delicately stand, rolling on the grass while I should be walking, and picking up everything on the ground as charming, then I’m your dog.  Curious:  My little nose goes everywhere.  Trash cans, holes in the ground, under chairs, in your mouth, whereever there is a place I can stick my nose it is going there.  Good companion dog:  I am going to follow you whereever you go, I do not respect your personal space, and if you leave me look out because I am totally going to freak out.

2.  “However, this breed is not typical of the "pampered pet" stereotype of Toy breeds.”  Absolutely not.  I am so angered when I am called a pampered pet.  I spend most of my day sitting in a chair or playing with a large selection of toys;; I get high quality food and treats; I get lots of kisses, ear rubs and belly rubs; and at night I sleep curled up with my parents in bed.  If you believe that is what a “pampered pet” is then you need a new dictionary.

“Their active indoor lifestyle and small size makes them ideal for apartment life, but they still need to be taken for daily walks.”  What active lifestyle?  Is it active to run back and forth from the couch, to a recliner, to a chair, to the couch, back to the recliner, sometimes flying between them never touching the floor?  Is it active to chase Pocket when she chases the ball, taking it from her, and running all over the house until she catches me?  And daily walks?  I walk until I pee, and I don’t like to pee early in the walk so every time I have to pee there is a walk involved, and since I pee five times a day you can do the math.

‘The breed can have either a rough or da smooth coat. Each coat needs twice-weekly brushing and shaping every three months.”  I have a rough coat, and thank to Hattie Mae a raincoat and a house coat.  I have been with my family for about a month and have had no brushing.  I am just going to go to the groomers in a few weeks and have them brush me six times.  And if anyone thinks they are “shaping” me they better be ready to lose a hand.

And they left out the biggest attribute of our breed.  We are always smiling, we just need to be upside down to do it.