Ask Aunt Foley: Bad Santa

Dear Aunt Foley:  What is going on with some of these Santas?  I just read about one who wouldn’t let a little disabled girl get her picture taken because she had a pitbull as a therapy dog.  Are all these Santas created equal? - Hattie Mae

Dear Hattie Mae:  In a word no.  When I was a young pup Mommy used to tell me that all the different Santas were his elves.  With my excellent sniffer I could tell if they were Santa’s elves they had spent a lot of time drinking from a flask on the sleigh ride over.

Then Mommy decided to give me the straight scoop.  Some of these men were wonderful, gentle, kind gentlemen who loved children and dogs and wanted to add to the joy of Christmas.  And some of them were just unemployed fat bastards looking for easy Christmas pay.

And it’s these unemployed fat bastards who cause problems.  But you know who else causes problems?  The Santas who don’t even make an effort to be fat.  I saw a couple of Santas at Petco recently and they didn’t have any padding..  How does a parent explain to a child that Santa is under so much stress he has become anorexic?

You think  I want my picture taken with a Santa who looks like he’s on the Atkins Diet and has his beard hanging off so his mustache is in his mouth and it looks like he has a hairy tongue?   And wash your suit!  No one wants to sit on someone’s lap to get their picture taken with a suit with a year of hair on it.

So come on department store Santas you have an important job:  You are the living embodiment of the kindest man in the world and you have a great image to hold up so clean yourself, use padding if you need it, be jolly and most of all be nice.  If not one of us dogs might take a bite out of your big fat red butt.