River Song Introduces the Dog Anus for Humans

ATTENTION HUMANS:  Have you ever taken your dog outside to poop and envied the simplicity of your dog’s discharge system?  Dogs do not have to wipe, do not have to cleanse, they poop and run.

            In this busy world who has time to sit on the toilet, wait for discharge, wipe, clean and perhaps repeat?  Would you rather walk, drop them, go, bag it, and continue on with your day?  You will exercise more!  You will save time!  What is not to like?

            That is why I am here to off to you for a limited time, the Dog Anus for Humans!

            Here is how it works:  You buy one of Dr. Pocket’s patented Dog Anuses for a one-time payment of 350,000 kibbles or twelve easy payments of 100,000 kibbles.  You go to one of our certified proctologists.  He removes whatever you have up in there which I don’t want to talk about or even thinking about and he inserts a dog anus.

            You never have to wipe again, and that is our guarantee.    

            But wait:  There’s more.  Act now and you will get your very own fold up pooper scooper and wrap around thigh carrying cased.  No more worrying about forgetting your bags.  With the thigh wrap around scooper waste disposal is at the end of your fingertips.

            No more rushing out of meetings to use the restroom.  No more twisting yourself into pretzels in your car as you scream at the traffic desperate to get home.  No more embarrassing evacuations in public restrooms.  Still undecided.  Your answer may depend on our next selling feature.

            No more Depends!

            Your life will change with your brand new Dog Anus.  Tired of those dating sites like Match.com or Tinder?  With the Dog Anus, all you have to do is give your potential love interest a butt sniff, and you will know they are for you!

            Don’t be late.  Order one today!

            Warning:  Side effects might include the sudden need for butt scooting on rugs, the need for frequent anal gland expression, a strange need for a cupcake after you do your business outside like a good boy, and shame if you go inside the house behind the love seat.