Thursday, May 17, 2018

River Is Not An Easy Dog To Pick Up

I am not, by any means, an easy dog.  I do not like to be picked up.

If I want to be with you there is no stopping me.  I have been known to, in bed, leaning against one of my parents so hard that my 14 pounds can shove them off the bed.  I also, if I want some Dad kisses, can jump up on the recliner, stand on his chest, and pleasure myself.

Without the desire for licks, I become very shy about getting up in the chair.  It’s not that I can’t do it. When my parents are out of the house they know I have been on the chairs and prowling the end tables.  This Saturday I somehow turned off the Alexa Soothing Music For Dogs with Separation Anxiety and turned on the TV,
Just so you know Amazons’ Soothing Music For Dogs with Separation Anxiety sucks.  I don’t know where they find these hipster crooners but their tepid tunes don’t soothe me but rather incite me to find a hammer and smash the tiny Echo so I can pace, worry, and drool in peace. After several tries adjusting my bark I was finally able to bark “Alexa, for the love of God, stop!” As for turning on the TV, I figured out how the remote works.  If I can decipher how to scroll through the channel guide I will have mastered the home entertainment world.

While I fly around the house when it is vacant, if my parents are in their chairs, and I do not feel the urgent need to lick a face, I lose my lift. My parents call me to come sit in the recliners with them but I pace the floor, lick my nose, push off with my back legs, but my butt never leaves the floor.

I wonder if I need to go to a pup psychologist.  I don’t yip when my parents are seated but I have the yips.  Like a pitcher who can’t throw a strike, I am a dog who can’t jump in a chair.  I overthink the amount of thrust I need, where I will land if I will fall and I fail to launch.

Worse, when my parents relent and bend down to pick me up, I retreat to the far side of the room and curl into a ball, too ashamed of my inability to do what should come naturally.   Then I put my head down and bend away from my parents as I cower at my failure. Kindly, like I am an elderly dog who no longer has the ability, or worse, a shorty like Pocket, I am aided to the chair, where I contently sit until something catches my eye, I jump down and start the entire process again.

I do need to get over my chair yips.  If anyone knows a good dog psychiatrist let me know.  If that is not possible I need the number of a pharmacist who can get me a Cialis prescription.  From what I hear it helps Dad to lift off when he can’t get off the ground.


  1. I used to not be able to jump up into da chair - I'd just jump straight up instead of into it. But I figgered it out.

  2. River, from what you've said, I do hope your folks find you a good head doctor. In the meantime, you might have to learn to not yap about their "private" affairs. Oh, my, that didn't come out right. Pee S: Xena has the same issues about jumping up. She can if she doesn't think about it. But if she is thinking, she loses her self-confidence. Use the motto: Just Do It!

  3. Some critters just don't like being picked up. Brother Simon loves to snuggle and sit on laps but try to pick him up and he becomes a bucking bronco!

  4. Hope you get the help you need River, but it is always good to let the peeps help us - it makes them feel needed
    Hazel & Mabel

  5. It took Rosy a LONG time to get the confidence to jump up on the couch....we sure hope you find a solution soon :-)
    Jakey, Arty & Rosy

  6. I hope that you and your parents get this figured out. But, River, not all dogs have to go up in the recliner with their parents. You obviously have very strong opinions about things… So perhaps it's just the way you are

  7. Brian, Tango is just like that. Good thing he has no teeth! River, congrats on mastering the Alexa! That is impressive! There is no shame in missing the recliner! Especially for us little dogs! Idaho is right! Let your parents feel needed!