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River Has a Tick Talk

I was lying in bed, late at night, when I felt something moving by my left ear.  I brushed it with my paw. A tick fell off me on to the sheet. Surprised, I stood.  “What were you doing on me?” I asked.

“Bah, I was hungry,” the tick said.  “I’ve been outside in your yard for days with nothing in my belly when you came by on your leash.  I hopped on you and waited, all night, for you to fall asleep so I could bite you and drink your blood.  But every time I tried to bite you I was repelled by your skin. You must be wearing the poison.”

“My mom puts some sticky stuff on my back to keep you ticks off of me.”   When I said “ticks” my voice could not hide my disgust.

“Don’t get uppity with me!” the offended tick said.  “It isn’t my fault I was born a blood-sucking nuisance.  It’s who I am. Who are you to judge? You get kibble given to you on a clean plate every day.  No one feeds me blood; I have to lay in the grass and wait.”

“You gave me Lyme disease!” I barked.  “I had to go on medication for weeks, and three years later I am still carrying the illness.”

“I didn’t give you nothing,” the tick said.  “I am barely a year old. And I got the disease from a mouse.”  I grunted in disgust. “Don’t judge me; I have to suck every vermin out there just to make it until tomorrow.  But I got off that disgusting little thing as soon as I could.”

“I don’t feel sorry for you,” I said to the little creature, “you just want to attach yourself to a hard working dog and live off me for nothing!  

“Not true!” the angry tick countered.  “I go from animal to animal trying to get enough blood to stay alive.  Oh, it's a wicked existence. I would not wish it on anyone. I couldn’t even find a yard with big dogs, I only had you two little ones to pick from, and when I finally worked up the nerve to jump on you, I find you are wearing the poison, which is very unhealthy by the way.  You should get the collar. We know not to jump on dogs with the collars. But no, you need to be tricky with your poison drops. Bah! I curse you.”

I did not like this tick’s attitude.  He had hidden on me to get inside and now was in my bed, being argumentative.  “I don’t wear the collar because I have a collapsing trachea,” I explained.

“Oh, how terrible for you!” the sarcastic tick answered.

“And we don’t take the pills because of Pocket’s tummy,”

“Oh the pills,” the tick shook his head.  “I know all about the pills. I have heard of ticks which had died on the pill.  They bite a dog, get infected and expire. What a way to go! Right in mid-suck.  That’s how I’d like to go, in the middle of sucking. But no, I had to get the only two dogs in America still using the drops.  I’m telling you, I don’t get no respect.”

“Well, you can’t stay here.  Pocket has the drops too,” I told him.

“Oh, I don’t want to bite her.  Too scrawny. I could suck that thing for days and never get off.  But these humans are tempting.”

I could not let him bite my parents.  If they get Lyme disease, it is much more serious than when I did.  They should be wearing drops and collars.

I knew I had to get this thing out of my bed.  Mommy would freak out if she found it there in the morning.  I assured him if she did he would end up in the toilet. And I forbid him to latch on to Mommy.  We agreed he could hide in Daddy’s hair until morning and hop out when he took us outside.

But, as history has taught us, all tick are liars, which was unfortunate for him, because midway through the day Daddy felt something in his hair, pinched it, said “oh crap, it’s a tick!” ran into the bathroom and flushed it down the toilet.

Good luck in the sewers my little friend.  Maybe you will get to go to the Bridge where you can live happily, or come back as something better.

I can’t think how it would be possible to come back as something worse.


  1. that was interesting to read ... but nevertheless I don't want such a guy... I won one at the dog show instead of a prize and I had a big red bump after we removed that beast...

  2. I had a tapeworm last winter. The vet said it was because I must have eaten a flea from another animal. Must have been hiding on a mousie who was hiding in the woodpile I like to nose around in. I don't recall it talking to me, but I'm sure it would have been just as rude as that tick! A couple pills took care of that little monster! There are a lot of yucky parasites in this world!

  3. Drown sucker drown!!!! Yikes those critters are sneaky and evil and rather mouthy too. Good riddance
    Hugs madi your bfff

  4. Dang, the are sure not the nicest little buggers!

  5. We all wear the drops too. Sometimes we carry ticks into the house on our furs and the peeps go nuts.

  6. we take the pill but mom has a terrible time getting those damn big things down our throats, she tries all kinds of goodies but we are smart. mags and gus

    1. Grind them up and mix with warm chicken broth. It’s the best way I’ve found to get pills down.

  7. I hope the disgusting thing drowns but I'm not so sure it will.

  8. Well, that tick would not like us either. We used to do the sticky stuff on our backs but now we get some tasty chews. We also do our best to stay out of tall grass, but you are right, those ticks are everywhere. We are just wondering why you thought it was OK to let that tick rest in your Dad's hair???

    Woos - Lightning, Misty and Timber

  9. Those ticks have given up on us, but I think your right...those humans need drops cause Mama has had more ticks than all of us put together!
    Rosy, Jakey & Arty

  10. Oh we don't like those nasty ticks. Mom just gave us Bravecto so we are protected when (or if) we go camping
    Hazel & Mabel

  11. Show's to go ya, it's good to give a tick a talk.

  12. You tell em River! Hopefully he’ll go back and spread the word “don’t mess with River or Pocket, they can be a death trap”.

  13. This conversation just made my day. My Lucy never ever gets a tick or a flea. I think her hair is too slippery. Xena gets the drops, but they are all natural, made out of essential oils. When she goes outside, she also wears a bandana soaked in essential oils to keep the nasty fleas off of her.

  14. Oh River, those ticks are pure evil!!!
    Reminds us of a poem that e.e. cummings wrote:

    (Me up at does)
    e.e. cummings

    Me up at does

    out of the floor
    quietly Stare

    a poisoned mouse

    still who alive

    is asking What
    have i done that

    You wouldn’t have


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