Thursday, April 30, 2020
River Song's New Game Show
During the new normal, my parents, on most days, have stopped midday for cheese and crackers, and to play trivia games on the tablet. Some days, we take a walk first, but most of the time, it has been cold and rainy, so they get right to eating and playing.
They do not share their cheese and crackers with us, but they do put a plate full of our kibble on the table, and they give us some after every few questions. Pocket stands on her back leg. and paws Daddy’s leg begging for kibble, but she tires easily, and she goes to sit in the little chair with the red blanket. That leaves all the food for me.
Pocket is much more patient than I am. Pocket gets a kibble, chews it, swallows, and gives it a bit of time to settle before she asks for another. For me, there is a two-second turnaround, from getting the kibble to wanting more. I just swallow without even tasting.
I have a big advantage over Pocket. I can jump up on the dining room chairs. I am still short enough that I can walk on the chairs and remain under the table so I can see stealthy move around until I am next to Mommy! I try to force my head under her armpit so I can be closer to the kibble. She tells me to get down. Her lips say “no-no,” but her eyes say it…..nope her eyes say no too. Abort! Abort!
I quickly switch to plan B. I start a foot from Daddy’s side. Then I run forward, push off my back legs, and slam all twelve pounds of me into his thigh like a sled hammer smashing into a worthless piece of wood. Sometimes, I struck him, he tips to the side. But, that doesn’t mean I am going to be getting a treat.
So, I changed my position. Daddy sits at the head of the table, and I stand on the floor at the opposite end. I lunge, with both front legs straight as two-by-fours, and I smash into his balls like a wrecking ball.
He makes a sound like air rapidly rushing out of a punctured beach ball, and falls to one side. Mommy pauses the game until he is recovered, and she stops giggling. Recently, I have added a new maneuver. While standing up in front of him, I lift my left paw, then bring it down hard on his right testicle, causing him to double over and cry a little bit. It is great fun, although it doesn’t make the kibble come any quicker. But it is a distraction which you need under quarantine.
While I await my kibbles, I thought of a fantastic new game show for humans. It is a trivia tv show played by couples. They build their money upon some easy questions. But, once the questions reach five figures in value, a new twist is brought into the game. Before the question, the woman can gamble either to, if they answer incorrectly, either forfeit the money and the game, or the man can get slapped hard in the nuts.
Everyone who has ever had a mommy and a daddy knows what the answer will be: “Let it ride on the nuts.” The question is asked, and if the dad gives the wrong answer, a flying Griffon will shatter his balls. What fun! What excitement! What strategy! I am calling it River’s Nut Sack. It is for any human who loves game shows, trivia, and crushed nuts.
Forget the Tiger King. I’m the Crushing Balls Queen.
Look for it on a streaming service near you.