Beat This Caption

The reason fir Santa’s massive Christmas Eve coronary has yet to be determined

Monday Question

 How do you as a pet feel about Christmas?

Do you like it because humans come over to drop food on the floor?

Is it a big pain in the neck?

Do you hate it because you are left alone?

Or is it just another day?

Ruby’s answer - it’s a big pain in the neck because my parents go out and Mommy gets stressed out before  she does. I agree with old farmer Scrooge: barn Hamburg 

Sundays Funnies

 

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At McDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister

 

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

    

        

Poetry Thursday

 

 

My friend who is one spoiled cat gave me the picture below for the Thursday Poetry blog

Post 

They are the three dogs of the house

They fear nothing, not even a mouse

They are beloved by the man and his spouse

They will strike down any offending louse

2

They bark away scary thunder

Their noses are always on the ground sniffing trouble down under

They are a protecting wonder

Which no man can bring asunder 

3

They were the indomitable three

But Christmas morning while they lay under the tree

Something happened that made them want to flee.

When three little humans showed up on a wilding spree

4

They tore past the dogs in a mad quest for toys

And did a lot of damage for preschool boys

Their excitement made them more mischievous than Connor Roy

As they ran around screaming for joy

5

 Seeing the boys tearing through the room filled the dogs with fear

And did not think they could persevere 

So they fled out the door in the rear

Where they enjoyed the calmer atmosphere 

6

Later in the day they dared to return home

Moving as silently as a sinner in the Church of Rome

While the boys lay in bed their self inflicted cuts covered with 

mercurochrome 

As quiet as the 2010 Lions fans on Thanksgiving in the Silver  Dome.

7

The dogs slinked in the living room their ferocity at an impasse

And the two youngest inquired what happened to their oldest brother Bluegrass

He told them that one day a year children lose their minds en masse

And that day was called Christmas 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat this Caption

 

The dog is crazy. This water tastes liked piss,

Monday Question

 What are your parent’s plans for Christmas?

And what will you do?

My parents are going to Mommy’s nephew’s house for dinner.

Before my parents leave me alone I will bury the remote in my blanket and when they put me in my crate I will order lots of young penguin porn getting my revenge both financially and ruining their reputations

Sunday Funnies

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindgales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week.

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".

The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.

"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"

A film crew is on location in Kenya, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says, "Tomorrow rain." The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.

That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director.

"Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind," and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.

But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.

Finally, he is located and brought to the director's tent. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director in desperation.

"No idea," says the shaman, "Radio batteries dead

Friday Fill in

Gather around the sleigh , its time for Friday Fill Ins There are four statements: the first two statements are written by 15AndMeowing, and the final two are done  by  Four-Legged Furballs. Please check them out.  Here are this week's statements with my fill ins are in CAPITALS 

THE SCORE TO DIE HARD is my favorite Christmas song, DESPITE MANY PEOPLE SAYING IT IS NOT REALLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC.

MY PAW PRINT MOLD is a Christmas decoration I treasure AND A REAL ANTIQUE. IT HAS BEEN IN MY FAMILY SINCE 2022.

 Though it is the season for BUYING GIFTS, BEING STUCK IN TRAFFIC, SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY, OVER DECORATING AND STRESS I much prefer to think  THERE WAS ORIGINALLY A RELIGIOUS MEANING TO THE DAY.

If I could start a new Christmas tradition IT WOULD BE THAT NO DOGS OR CATS WOULD BE LEFT ALONE ON CHRISTMAS 

Poetry Thursday

 

My friend who is one spoiled cat gave me the picture below for the Thursday Poetry blog

 

 The Ellis kids were anxious New Year’s Eve

They could not wait for their cousins to leave

That Santa was coming was something they believe

And at being good the two of them did over achieve

2

To seal the deal they would leave special food for Santa under the tree

They were convinced they had set themselves up for hundrrds of gifts for free

There was only one problem as fat as they could see,

Their cat Wounded and their dog Knee.

3

The Ellis girls warned their pets to leave the food alone

Or Santa would give them nothing and Wounded was counting on a bone

And the Ellis boys said if the food was touched they would both spend Christmas wearing an Elizabethan cone.

So Wounded and Knee swore to stay away from the Santa treat zone

4

But the pets were overcome with temptation

And they risked castration

Followed by a slow cooking  cremation 

To eat every bit of the Ellis kids culinary creations

 5

Then they heard behind them Santa’s ho ho ho

And the pets cried no no no

And tried to go go go

So they weren’t caught and be neutered and cry like a soprano.

6

That is when Santa gave Wounded and Knee their greatest present they would ever get - quite a coup

An identical plates with food some of which Santa did chew

“The humans will never know,” Santa said then “Merry  Christmas to you.”

And a relieved Wounded and Knee curled up under the tree in relief and within 15 minutes they had eaten the food left by Santa tool