Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program. 
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. 
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." 
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." 

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...". 

 

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"