Beat This Caption

 

My dark roots? You’re talking about my roots? Shut your festering gob, you tit, or I will claw your eyes out and get you an European seeing-eyed-dog so you are always walking against tradffic

Monday Question

 What inspired you to be a blogger and how many have you posted?  

I joined a group called Doggyspace in 2008 because it looked like fun but the site was growing toxic. I wanted to keep in touch with my friends when I left that group so I started blogging, I have posted 4,260 blogs since 2009

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

A man goes into a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table then leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot. 

They see a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel while he and his wife make love.

Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes.

After 20 minutes of lovemaking, the woman is no closer to orgasm, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places. So the friend is now having sex with the woman while the husband wafts the towel.

After two minutes, the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had.

The husband looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims, "Now that, my friend, is how you waft a towel.

 

Nature Friday

 It has been a long time since I took part in a Nature Friday, brought to you by our friends LLB. Not only have I been living in a long, cold, lonely winter but in October we moved into the second floor of a big concrete building leaving our many gardens behind. 

But where there is a will there is a garden.

Once a week new flowers have been brought into our apartment. Some thrived, some died, but now we have more than a dozen.

I thought, in honor of the return of spring I unveil for the first time Ruby’s counter and crate top gardens.

Our home will always be full of flowers because flowers represent life and you can never have too much love.

Especially in a long, dark, lonely winter

Poetry Thursday

 Today is Poetic Thursday hosted by Teddy and Angel Sammy at Two Spoiled Cats

Today’s Inspiration

Laura was alone in a dark room

No sign of life no flower a bloom

She was afraid the room would be her tomb

And a single lit candle to offset the gloom

She ran her hands across the wall

Taking small steps so she would not fall

Then she banged her knee on something two feet tall

It was a desk and behind it a chair quite small

She picked up the candle from the floor

And placed it on the desk, its only decor

She opened and blindly reached in the drawer

And when she found a book it lifted her core

She handled the book like a delicate flower

And felt joy for the first time since being locked in this tower

To break the boredom she could devour

 the book in less than an hour

It opened her dark world to one filled with splendid imagination

And for the first time she felt no trepidation

The written word, to those in despair, is reason for celebration

And soon she was in a world of her old creation.

Before her opened lawns of green

With mountains in the distance and flower in between

And the darkness was drained by sunlight bright and clean

And she could see so much that she had not been able to be seen

And then a hand, strong and kind, reached out to her

She took it, and was pulled into the book where she began to transfer

From a poor girl to a princess demure 

Freed from the darkness and pain by the clever litterateur.    

Wordless Wdnesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Let me get your ears, now your belly, let me look under the tail, how did you ger sticky stuff down there, stop fighting me, stop fighting me, you’re a bad man, a bad man! 

So tell me Skippy how do you like a bath now

Monday Question

 How do your parents deal with the fur and hair you leave behind? What is their favorite method of removing it.

If the fur is on my bed or my blanket they let it be but if it is on their bed, clothes, furniture or rugs they use lint rollers. Lots of lint rollers.

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

 Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm the chip monk.

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

 A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"

"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"

Friday fill ins

 

My favorite kind of pie is LOOSE  MEAT PIE. ANY LOOSE MEAT ALLOWS ME TO MAKE DESIGNS WHEN I POOP.

I will celebrate St Patrick’s Day by MARCHING IN THE BOSTON SAINT PATRICK’S DAY PARADE WHERE THE PARTICIPANTS MAKES EXCEEDINGLY RACIST AND HOMOPHOBIC REMARKS UNTIL THEY PASS OUT IN A PILE OF PUKE AT PARK STREET STATION. GOOD TIMES. 

I was correct when I said that PUPPY SCHOOL IS A GOOD IDEA BUT PUPPY COLLEGE IS A SCAM.

I didn’t see AN UNSCHEDULED ANAL EXPRESSION coming AND EVEN I THOUGHT IT SMELLED GROSS.

Poetry Thursday

My friends Angel Sammys and Teddys Pawetatonhave provided the picture below to inspire our poetry

Bob woke up naked under a tree

With a girl he did not know he had made whoopee.

And now he was powerfully hungry

And needed food he could eat for tree

He found some laundry hanging on the line

And he picked out  to wear something sublime

And then he saw the most wonderful sign

At the Big Boy you could eat for free if you could finish it all in time

Bob presented himself at the Big Boy and said he was their man

Finishing five pounds of food and getting it for free was his plan

Just bring him some utensils and a flat pan

And an unencumbered path to the can

A plate full of nachos was the meal of the day

And when placed on table the meal did sway

And Bob thought he could never put this much food away

He was hoping he could eat enough that they would not make him pay

Bob began eating bite by bite

But knew he would have to pick it up if he was to be done by night

But the pile didn’t seem to be losing height

And began shoving it down his throat with all his might

Then Bob felt something in his belly

That began to feel like he had eaten a bad gallon of jelly

Then be blew chunks on the nachos, on the table, on the telly

He blew on the bar, the wall, and a couple who would be identified by dental records as Michelle Pfeiffer and her husband    David Kelly

Then Bob took a seat

And dabbed his mouth to be neat

Then began eating again saying he had a time to beat

And soon had his free meal because everyone fled out the door in fear of a repeat