Pocket Laments Having Become House Trained

For five years I have worked very hard to become housetrained. Last year I made a vow: No more embarrassing pee puddle, no more wet spots on the rug, no more boom booms left on the kitchen floor. With concentration, and learning to control the muscles in my netherlands, I became housebroken and put aside my blue denim diaper forever.

I was a Pocket triumphant. Then came winter, and I was left to wonder why had I ever bothered to become housebroken at all?

Foley has always told me to watch the humans and learn from their strange ways. She says she learned housebreaking while still a pup and now it is a behavior she cannot unlearn. When I was going in the house Foley would publically call me unprofessional but privately she told me that humans didn’t go outside and I shouldn’t either.

I wished I had learned from her.  I have gone from a life of getting out of my warm bed and taking a whizz in the corner to getting out of my warm bed, putting on a slight jacket, going into the freezing cold, where, not only am I supposed to urinate and risk getting frozen to the ground but then I have to get into the least protected position in the animal kingdom, the poo squat, and while I relieve my bowels for all the world to see I have no protection from wind, rain, ice, and evasive squirrel.

The Daddy comes in the house, walks into the warm bathroom, does his business, and flushes it away.  I asked Daddy why I can’t pee in the bowl and he says it’s because we haven’t evolved like he has. I guess he’s right because when I have to pee or poo I need to revolve in a circle and it’s a rule of nature that, if you have to revolve you will never evolve.

Tomorrow night they are predicting that we will be getting four Foleys of snow which is a lot of snow. Humans will be making extraordinary efforts to ensure that every human is safe inside during the storm. While this is occurring we will be taken outside and stand with nothing protecting us just to pee.

And to think I had to learn to do this. If there is one thing I have learned from this is to never learn again.