The Downside to Birthdays by River Song

I recently celebrated my second birthday.  I would like to thank everyone who made it a special day.  I am so lucky to have such great friends.  I got a spa day on my birthday and got to party with the Griffons at the groomers.  They are always fun.  But there is something most unwelcome that comes with each birthday.

The trip to the vet.  

It was a normal Thursday.  Daddy put Pocket in her crate and Mommy picked me up.  We went outside and got into the car.  Knowing my birthday was coming up I was thinking: Ice cream?  Dog park?  Hamburger?

Nope, just an anal probe.

We drove into the vet’s parking lot.  I had only been here once and I vaguely remembered it.  I was sniffing for ice cream and thought I got a whiff of anti-septic ice cream but when I got inside I knew there would be no ice cream.

The first thing they did was weigh me.  I have been taught by Foley that whenever I am being forced to do something don’t cooperate under any circumstances.  When I got on the scale I got a severe case of wiggle butt.  So I weigh anywhere between five and 11 pounds.

Then I was brought into an examining room.  Mommy held me close to her and whispered nice things in my ear.  When you are home that means she loves you. When are are somewhere else that means she’s nervous and you are about to get screwed.

A side door opened and the screwer came in.  She was a nice woman with a white lab coat  They put me on a tiny, shiny table and at first I thought everything would be OK.  She held me and rubbed me checking me over.  She looked at my eyes and teeth and she put some soft round thing on my chest to make sure it was beating.  And then she went behind me and HEY THERE!

“It’s just a little prick,” the vet said.  I remembered the last time I heard that I ended up with a litter of puppies. I tried to get off the table but an assistant grabbed me (the enforcer) while my Mommy sweetly told to me cooperate (my pimp) while I received two more little pricks from the vet (my john.)

Then I was done, it took less than two minutes.  It was all very familiar, and very unpleasant. A few days later I had my birthday filled with wonderful friends wishing me well and it made everything I went through worth it and I want to thank all my friends who made my birthday wonderful.

I can’t wait until next year.  But I hope to do it without the little pricks.

Happy Birthday DS

In honor of the one year anniversary of our former website, which we shall refer to by it’s initials popular on the fast paced internet, DS, instead of it’s full name, Dog Slaves, Pocket and I would like to take a moment to recount the first year of it’s most storied history.

July 15, 2008

The founder of DS, who we shall refer to by his initials popular on the fast paced internet, LT, instead of his full name, Little Tool, settles on his latest get rich quick scheme, a web site for dogs, after his first idea, a web site for frogs, croaked.

BAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH

July 19, 2008:

A dejected LT announces that he is shutting down the site after only attracting profiles from five computer analysts living in San Pedro California all with the same first name. One of his investors point out to him that the site is improperly named Douggy Space, not Doggy Space. The frustrated five accounts named Doug take Douggy Space to Ning where, as of this date, they have five members.

August 1, 2008

LT starts doing press to get publicity for his site, telling interviewers that he has more than one million profiles created in the first week. Later that day, when privately asked how many zeroes in a million, he said two. His handlers, feeling that the publicity would bring more people to the site, decide not to contradict his claims and to never allow him to speak in public again without wearing a shock collar.

August 15, 2008

LT begins to attract advertisers to his site The jobless rate among annoying, leaping dogs goes down 300%.

August 26, 2008

LT and his advisors decide they need a fake dog to be the mascot for DS. They discuss a pitbull named Oscar, a lab named Author, and a great dane named Chief, but, when their discussions are constantly interrupted by LT wearing his mother’s chiffon robe and singing “I Feel Pretty,” they settle on a Yorkie named Princess.

November 10, 2008

Foley Monster joins DS.

November 12, 2008

Foley Monster receives a warning on DS.

November 14, 2008

Foley Monster ignores warning and continues.

December 15, 2008

After being promised if she did all her business outside she would be allowed to have her own DS page, Pocket completes her seventh day of sanitary behavior and is allowed to be on DS. She will never go seven days without soiling the carpet again.

December 31, 2008

Despite a few differences of opinion, and problems with underage typists, DS ends the year with a community of dogs who are respectful of one another, and are able to handle disputes between eachother in a civil manner. Despite a lack of community guidelines DS is a happy, content group of pups looking forward to spending the New Year together.

January 1, 2009

LT wakes up, says “Eureka” and begins to work on community guidelines that will forever split apart the content, respectful group of dogs who have gathered on his site and are filling his coffers with gold.

March 1, 2009

Saturday night has become fight night on DS as dogs begin to bark mean things at one another. Good friends begin to disappear. Groups are done away with without the creator knowing why. The Princess sits in her castle saying this is my kingdom and I can do with it what I want.

April 28, 2009

Princess a.k.a. LT deletes Tanner’s profile beginning the great cyber doggie war.

May 22, 2009

Tanner goes to the bridge and his brigade invades Princess’ castle posting his picture on every wall.

May 23, 2009

The Tanner Brigade is born as pups flee the castle.

May 28, 2009

LT posts a jjavascript:void(0)ournal in which he announces eureka he has solved the problem in his kingdom by adding a degree of separation between parties. Although members either hate the idea or find the statement nonsensical everyone is impressed that not only did LT spell eureka and separation correctly he used them properly in a single sentence.

June 25, 2009

In a moment that shocked the dog world to it’s very core Princess is found by paramedics crumpled on the floor of her Bel-Air mansion. Despite the efforts of the paramedics and doctors and the UCLA Medical Center Princess was pronounced deleted at 1:12 PM PST. Rumors abound across the dog world that LT was seen leaving the mansion shortly before the paramedics arrive and his Segway scooter was towed from the scene. There still has not been any known cause of deletion but insiders say Princess was paper thin and whispers fill the dog world that she may have been accidentally shredded.

July 16, 2009

LT ends his exile by announcing that food will be short for the year because he has let the fields grow fallow. He then serenades his fallowers with an acoustic version of U2’s “I Will Fallow.” Those who managed to stay with DS for the entire year could agree with two things. (1) LT is still a tool and (2) Spell check is a terrible thing to waste.