River Song Takes Her Parents To Training

After two weeks living with my family I came to realize something:  These humans needed training.  I told Pocket how surprised I was that Foley had not had her parents professionally trained.  Pocket told me Foley had her own unconventional training methods but she was afraid without Foley’s reinforcement they had fallen behind on their training.

Human training is very basic and very easy.  You want them to give you treats for things that you would do naturally.  Like sit.  Everyone sits.  When we get tired we can’t help it.  But, when working with another cooperative human, we can actually train our humans to give us treats when we do this very natural act.

The first thing you have to do to train your human is not listen to a word they say.  If you act like you have no idea what they are saying not only will they enroll in training classes, they will pay for it.  My parents took me for training at a Petco.  But I had to let them know that I was in control from the start of this adventure, so the first thing I did  as part of my “training” was take a crap on the floor.

And of course my humans cleaned it, which Foley taught me is the essence of the dog “master”, parent “pet” relationship.   They buy us food and prepare it for us and when we digest it and leave crap on the floor they clean it.  So crapping on the floor and having them clean it establishes my dominance before the training begins.

Also crapping is a very exhausting act.  That is why most humans do it sitting down.  Even after doing it sometimes they get off the toilet and say “Wow, I need to sit down.”  And if they are in one of those countries that you have to squat, well a human is sitting for a good hour after that.  So, after crapping, the first thing I want to do is sit, and the first command I get after crapping is “sit”, which I was about to do anyway from exhaustion, and I got a treat.

Then we keep doing it, and I keep sitting because if there is one thing about sitting it’s exhausting and sometimes after sitting a dozen times you really need to sit.  After sit is down, which seems like a good idea when the trainer said it.  Yes, thank you, if you don’t mind, I would like to lie down for awhile, and then I got a treat.

Then the trainer gave my parents the treats and this is where the important part happened.  They started giving me treats for basically getting tired and falling down.  And then they did it so much all my blood rushed to my digestive tract which made me dizzy and I started falling down, and getting treats.

There were some other things we went over.  There was stay, which means do absolutely nothing and get paid for it.  At first I got confused because I thought I just got elected to Congress but once I got the hang of doing nothing I got lots of treats.

There was one thing I didn’t like called “leave it.”  I don’t know why the trainer had us do that.  I thought the entire point was getting my parents to give me treats.  Leave it didn’t have them give me treats.  But then I realized that this was just an exercise in making my parents think they were in control.  But I am still too stubborn to “leave it,” so I just walked away from it and barked at some people.  

We still have some classes to go to but Mommy and Daddy are learning.  Now I just have to learn how to make them give me a treat for napping. 

Where Pocket wonders why they are trying to train her

Monday night, out of the blue, Daddy grabbed a scoop of kibble. He knelt in the middle of the living room floor. He called my name. He sat there awhile. I don't come when my name is called. Foley taught me that. We just sit about ten feet away, cock our heads, and look at him oddly.

But he kept calling me and tempting me with kibble. Foley repeatedly told me not to go but ohh, kibble. I went over to him, he told me I was a good girl, and gave me a kibble. Well, how much easier could this be? Then he told me to sit. What? He said sit again.

He held a kibble. What was wrong with him? I grew tired looking at him. So I sat. He got all excited, gave me a kibble, and told me I was a good girl. Obviously he'd cracked. He then told me to stand. Oh my gosh he had developed a second personality. So I stood.

He told me I was a good girl and gave me another kibble. I looked over at Foley and she just shook her head and called me "circus monkey." I was told to sit again, and I sat again, and then damn fool gave me another one. I was training this guy good.

Then, while I was sitting, he put a kibble on the floor, about eight paws away, and told me to stay. Well what kind of damn fool trickery was this? Does a waitress bring a slope nose food and tell them they can't eat it? I was so confused I just sat there looking at him wondering if his head was about to explode.

Then he told me to come to him. What? Come? Stay? Make up your mind. Then he got all excited telling to me come. So, I didn't want him to pss out or something, I went over to him and ate the kibble, he began to scratch me and tell me what a good girl I was.

Then he told me to sit. Can we do something fun like play with the ball? I was just so discouraged by the whole thing I sat down. And he got all excited again and gave me another kibble. "She's learning really quickly," he told Mommy with a big smile.

Mommy just shook her head. Mommy doesn't believe I can be trained. I'd like to prove her right, but I was hungry, sat and stayed a little more for him. "Try it when you're not kneeling in front of her with kibble in your hand," she said. "A little while later he had that opportunity.

I heard something at the door and ran over to it starting to bark: Daddy stood over me: "Pocket: sit, sit, sit, sit, stay, Pocket sit and stay. Sussh. Sussh." Sussh? We had never done sussh before. What is this fool talking about? Anyway, I just kept barking louder, and Daddy kept growing redder.

He finally gave up, but a couple of days later he was back at it again. He seems to think that by training me to sit and stay it will make me a better dog, and will finally get me house broken. He has set a goal for me. 21 straight days without an accident.

So far, in our quest for 21 straight days, I am at, let's see, carry the three, rounds off, um, I'm at zero. But I did go for a stretch of zero straight days so that is encouraging. Plus I am getting kibble for sitting, which seems to be the most exercise Daddy gets. The way I see it, the more time we play the sit, stay and kibble game, the more kibble I get. But as long as I don't do it any other time, he'll have to keep playing the game with me.

I think I deserve credit. I am training him very well.