Dog Days of August? You Can Have Them Back

I read recently that it is officially the dog days of August.  If this is true then who the hell gave them to us?  Because let me tell you we don’t want them.  Gosh, you decide to give us one month and it has to be August.

This must have been done by old white men.  The same old white men who gave black people February because it’s cold and short.  Old white men are always giving away months they don’t want anything to do with.  And August is nothing more than summer’s February.

July is the seventh month of the year, or the first month of the second half of the year, the hot half, as hot as January is cold. The same is true of August, as hot as February is cold, but both months are a little worse because they are the months when we just can’t take the weather anymore.  And that’s why the old men have stuck us with it, because they don’t want it.  But why did it have to be dogs?  How about the cat days of August?
August is hot and some of them have fiery fur like the sun.  Or the lizard days of August because lizards live in the desert in the heat.  But it certainly doesn’t belong to dogs.

How about the dogs days of May?  Everybody likes May.  May is bright, and warm, and shiny, just like us dogs.

Or we would take September.  Cool, but still warm enough to enjoy, sunny but not blindingly sunny.  September has a nice and even temperament like a good dog.

And why don’t other animals have months?  I think the reindeer days of December makes a lot of sense.  

We can give January to the penguins because they are little and cute like the New Year, and they like playing in the cold  We will reserve February for the polar bears.  March is still cold and rainy a real pain in the butt so we will assign that to the squirrels.  So I hope you enjoy your squirrel days of March.

April can be a pain too, but it’s also when spring starts, so let’s give it to the bunnies.  The Bunny Days of April cover the good sunny warm days and the rainy cold days like how a bunny is cute but is also a pain because it eats your garden.
I have decided on the Dog Days of May.    I could be convinced of June and September but I came up with the idea so May it is.  Now June is a pleasant month, and many of our dogs are close to their kitty friends so, even though it goes against my nature, I declare June the Pussy Days of June.

That brings us to hot, sticky, long July.  Let’s give that one to a snake.  The Boa Constrictor Days of July.  The month that not only crushes you, but then eats you whole.

Now that we no longer have the dog days of August we have to stick this horrible month with something equally horrid but smart enough to keep cool.  Of course, it is so simple!  Why do a week when you can do the whole month?  It’s the Shark Days of August.

September the days are shorter, kids are back in school reading Charlotte’s Web, they are playing football again, it can only be the Pig Days of September.  October is colder, wetter, darker, the leaves fall from the trees, the dead walk the Earth, sounds like a nice time for a horse ride, like that Ichabod Crane guy, so we have the Horse Days of October.

And that leaves November, which of course, we leave for the turkeys.  So animals have their own month from the Penguin in January to the Dogs in May to the Pigs in September to the Reindeers in December.

It’s about time we animals started taking the decisions out of the hands of the old men and make them ourselves.  And even the mean old men must admit ours make much more sense.  So no more talk of the Dog Days of August.  What you’re suffering from is the Shark Days of August.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.