Thursday, August 23, 2012

Pocket Goes on the Maury Pupvich Show to Find out Whose her Daddy

Like all pup siblings Pocket and I are sisters from another father.  I know who my pup parents are, two Yorkies who got it on behind a barn in upstate Massachusetts.  I was conceived in the exact same fashion that Elizabeth Warren was.  But Pocket was conceived in a house of confusion.

The human pup breeder where Pocket was found was taking care of her ill husband at the time of Pocket’s conception.  She had a doggie door to go outside and do her business.  The breeder Mom, busy with her husband, did not supervise the lollipop doing her business.  At one of these business sessions she did more business than just business.

Since that day the identity of Pocket’s Pa has been a mystery.  To help her I signed her up for the Maury Pupvich show, a special edition called “Who’s Your Daddy, Bitch.”  Pocket was reluctant to go on the show but I told her she would be thank me later.

This is what happened:  

Maury Pupvich:  Welcome to the Maury Pupvich show Special Who’s Your Daddy Bitch edition.  Let me bring out our guest Pocket Dog.  

*Pocket comes out and climbs into a chair next to the host.*  

Maury Pupvich:  Are you excited to find out who your Daddy is Pocket?

Pocket:  Not really.  My sister needs to write a blog and was out of ideas so she set the whole thing up.

Maury Pupvich:  Well we are just as excited as you are.  Now let’s bring out your birth Mom.

*An older female Yorkie with Pocket’s coloring comes out.  After several attempts she jumps into the chair.*

Maury Pupvich:  Pocket do you recognize your Mom?

Pocket:  Well not at first but when she jumped I got a good look at her teats and said “Momma.”

*Pocket and her Mom licked one another as the audience pawed and howled.*

Pocket’s Mother:  Pocket I have read so much about you and I am so proud of you.  Are you housebroken yet?

*Pocket blushed.*

Pocket:  Did you bring my father;?

Maury Pupvich:  That is why we are here Pocket.  We have four male pups who had relations with your Mom before she became impregnated with your litter.  Now who wants to meet the Dads?

*The audience howls*

Maury Pupvich:  We have taken DNA from the following four dogs and, at the end of the show, we will reveal which one of these dogs is Pocket’s Dad.  Now let’s bring out the first possible father.  He is a well known weed eater, a popular howler, and has been known to have a way with the ladies, it’s Snoop The Dog.”

*A Yorkie with dark fur and big ears came out slowly and jumped on the chair*

Maury Pupvich:  Snoop, do you recognize Pocket’s mother?

Snoop:  “Yo, you know, she’s a fine lady a all but you know I ain’t one much for leashes and collars, I just travel where the scent takes me, and I’m not so good at remembering faces.  You know I’m freaky but doing it face to face?  I’m not big on doing it human style.  But she’s got a nice rump end so I could see myself tapping that you know?

Maury Pupvich:  Were you wearing protection?

Snoop:  Well I think I had on Frontline but outside of that, I don’t wear no protection, no shock collar, no muzzle, I just like it natural you understand?

Maury Pupvich:  And if you are proven to be Pocket’s father are you willing to support her?

Snoop: Well you know, I might take her out to chew some grass, look up at the sky, but I’m not sharing no kibble here.

Maury Pupvich:  Pocket do you have anything to ask?

Pocket:  Would you take me to the park and play ball with me?

Snoop:  I might chew some weed while you did ya know, maybe hook up with some new booty.  You don’t have any weed do you?

Pocket:  No I don’t.

Snoop:  It’d be a lot cooler if you did.

Maury Pupvich:  Now let’s bring out our second potential Dad.  He was found on the Jersey Shore and is named The Suppository.  

The Suppository:  Hey, how you doing?

Maury Pupvich:  This is Pocket’s mother, do you recognize her?

The Suppository:  Hey, you know I get a lot of tail, what can I say?

Pocket’s Mom:  You hopped a fence and seduced me with a meatball and your garlicy breath.  I couldn’t resist.

The Suppository: Hey I don’t know nothing about that you know.  Maybe I was there maybe I wasn’t.  I don’t keep a record you know what I mean?  You know it’s about GTL for me:  Greenies, T Bones and Licking.

Maury Pupvich:  Are you willing to accept your fatherly duties if you are Pocket’s father?

The Suppository:  Fatherly duties?  Hey I don’t know, you know what my father’s duties was?  I bark something out of line he goes badabing upside my muzzle.  You know?  Forget about it.

Maury Pupvich:  Let’s bring out our third candidate.  He is a well known Yorkie Lothario, Don Juan DeYorkie.

*A very handsome Yorkie came out, bowing to the crowd, and hopped up on the couch.*

Maury Pupvich:  Don Juan, do you remember Pocket’s Mom?

Don Juan:  Oh of course I remember her.  I remember her squatting in the moonlight looking like Mona Lisa taking a whizz.  From that moment I knew there was amore between us.  I mounted and did the sexy time to her many, many times.

Maury Pupvich:  Pocket’s Mom do your remember Don Juan?

Pocket’s Mom:  Oh yes, yes I do, are we going to go to a commercial break soon?  Maybe Don Juan would meet me behind the couch.

Pocket:  Mom!  You’re embarrassing me!

Don Juan:  Oh Pocket amore is nothing to be ashamed of.  It is the most beautiful thing a dog can do.  That’s why the humans call it mounting.  They mount their possession on the wall.  I take a little hair from the tail to have a possession of what I mount.

Maury Pupvich:  Is it possible that you are Pocket’s Dad?

Don Juan:  Oh of course, I have fathered a Disney movie worth of babies, all so beautiful it’s like have a Picasso come out of your vagina.

Maury Pupvich:  Pocket, out of these three dogs which one would you want to be your Daddy?

Pocket:  I don’t need any of these dogs.  I have a Daddy.  He’s home and he plays ball with me and let’s me lick his face.

Maury Pupvich:  That’s great, I was rooting for Don Juan too.  But you have not met the final dog, Whit Trash.

*A Yorkie staggered out, needing a grooming, and smelling poorly.*

Don Juan:  I do say, someone should open a window.

*Whit didn’t try to jump up on the couch, he lay on his side on the floor*

Maury Pupvich:  Whit, do you recognize Pocket’s Mom?

*He looked up lazily.*

Whit:  I ain’t never seen her before, I wasn’t there that night, I was at the pool hall, I’ve been fixed.

Maury Popvich:  Pocket’s Mom do you recognize Whit?

Pocket’s Mom:  Yes I do.

Maury Popvich:  And did you have relations with him?

Pocket’s Mom:  Well, one night I got loose, and he was in the woods behind our house with some smooch hooch and I guess I had a couple.  I don’t really remember what happened but yes we had relations.

Pocket:  Oh Mom, gross!

Pocket’s Mom:  Don’t judge me girl.  You don’t know what it’s like walking around with hot ovaries.

Whit Trash:  *Belch*  That wasn’t me.  I haven’t made no babies.  I was working in the junkyard that night.  The kid don’t even look like me.

Maury Pupvich:  Pocket how would you feel if Whit was your Dad?

Pocket:  I would start playing ball in the street.

Maury Pupvich:  Well, I don’t want to keep you waiting I do have the results of the DNA tests, and I can tell you that Whit, you are not the father.

Whit:  Thank Dog!

Maury Pupvich:  And Don Juan you are not the father.

Don Juan:  Oh so sad, I am a magnificent breed.

Maury Pupvich:  And The Suppository you are not the father.

The Suppository:  Yo, I told you, no way.

Maury Pupvich:  And Snoop *long pause* you are not Pocket’s father either.

*The crowd howls.*

Maury Pupvich:  And Pocket’s Mom, you’re a hound ho.  But don’t worry Pocket, we will still be looking for your Dad.

Pocket:  I don’t want to look for my Dad anymore.  I have a Dad, he’s round, he’s slow, and he’s lazy but he loves me, plays ball with me, walks me and snuggles with me.  I don’t need to know who donated the spam to my Mom to make a litter.  I know who Daddy is through love.

Maury Pupvich:  That’s beautiful Pocket but it makes a sucky show.  Now, before we go, I would like to give Don Juan, Snoop, The Suppository, and Whit their gift for being on our show, it’s Bob Barker in a mobile neutering truck.

*All four male dogs begin barking and running, trying to escape but they are all wrangled and taken to the truck.*


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