I was eating my breakfast and reading my copy of the Daily Dog when I saw listed in the birthday section that Clifford the Big Red Dog had turned 50. That certainly is a ripe old age for a dog but I am sure he works out and takes care of himself. Still, at his weight it is surprising.
I am not a fan of Clifford. His living situation never made a lot of
sense to me. I know he is very friendly, and he helps humans out of
countless situations, but isn’t that due to just his size and not any
great intellectual ability? I mean if I was 20 times the size of the
largest human I certainly wouldn’t have to work as hard as I do to make
my humans’ life better.
there are just some things about Clifford that I can’t wrap my little
brain around. To feed a dog like Clifford you would need several bags
of premium kibble a day. You would have to be earning a huge income.
But Clifford seems to be living in a middle class suburb. How could a
nice middle class family afford that large food bill? Pocket said
that perhaps they were a rich family but spent so much in dog food that
had to live in a smaller home, which was possible. Also Clifford lives
on an island after outgrowing his city home, but how did Clifford get on
the island? I am sure he could have swum but when he got out of the
water and shook off he would have flooded the island. I can’t imagine a
boat big enough to carry him over, and, if there were multiple boats
involved, how could Emily Elizabeth’s family could have afforded it?
Pocket thinks that no one would name their child Emily Elizabeth,
especially on an island as white as Clifford’s, and thinks that the
family is in witness protection, which is why they are on the island,
and the government transported Clifford on an airplane carrier. Since
Emily Elizabeth’s parents are seldom seen I think Pocket may be onto
something with the whole witness protection thing.
is often seen giving those he loves big licks but I know from personal
experience that little things stick to dogs tongues. I have to believe
that at least on one occurrence Clifford must have licked someone right
down his throat. Pocket things it may have been some wise guy which is
why the family is in witness protection. She’s really put a lot of
thought into this Clifford thing.
there is Clifford lollipop friend Cleo. She is described as being
sneaky and having a sharp tongue. She knows how to get others to do what
she wants and is famous for playing tricks and getting her friends in
trouble, though she always feels bad about it. Whenever one of them
questions the quality of a plan, she is famous for saying, "Have I ever
steered you wrong?" She is a bit bossy and likes to lure her friends
into temptations. Obviously this entire character is based on Hattie
Mae and I am more than ready to represent her on any legal action she
wishes to take against Scholastic Books. After that I can address the
similarities between Harry Potter and Pokey Lunn.
and most problematic, is, as you may have imagined, what do you do with
the large amount of vicks that Clifford must produce” To me this is
the loose nail that brings the whole structure down. But Pocket, who at
five, is maturing nicely, has given me a second idea which rebuilds the
structure. What if Birdwell Island where Clifford lives isn’t an
island and all, but just a giant pile of Clifford’s vick in the ocean
which continues to be built with more and more vick? Then Clifford
could pay for his existence by creating new real estate that pays for
his food and care. And that is the mystery of Clifford and Birdwell
scoff. You must admit I solved the mystery of Clifford and the island a
lot better than those humans did after seven years of Lost.