I was snoozing on Mommy’s lap. The TV was on and, as usual I was ignoring it unless Tyrion Lannister is on. I like watching little people outsmart everyone else. But then I heard the man say soccer. When we lived at the condo kids used to leave soccer balls in the middle of the complex where Foley and I walked. Daddy would kick the ball and I would run after it, hop on top of it and roll over with it. I loved playing soccer. But then we moved here to the Village of the Pruned and you don’t want to jump on any low lying balls left here.
But I never lost my desire to for soccer and this seemed like a golden opportunity. That night I waited for everyone to fall asleep, jumped out of bed, entered the front bedroom and snuck into Foley’s Leopard Skin Vagina Kitty Condo. I went down to the library and, in an old file cabinet, I found the codes that Foley used to upload herself through the series of tubes that make the Internet.
Then I jumped back on the bed. I waited until morning to tell River my plan. She sleeps on the upper part of the bed near Mommy’s head and gets very snappish if I approached, and any snapping might tip Mommy off to my plan.
The next day when Mommy and Daddy went shopping I convinced River to use her skills picked up on the mean streets of mid-Florida to help us escape. I told her that we were going to play soccer in Brazil and win the World Cup. River asked me if she could eat kibble out of it, kibble being River’s main motivation to do everything and I said yes. We then put the codes into the computer and off we went.
First we went to our friend Mollie the Highland Girl. She has shared with us many stories about her love of soccer and I knew she would make a proper striker, whatever that is. She gladly joined us and then we wooshed to farm country. We needed some young blood on our team and the Boys, Elvis and Moo, would do the trick perfectly. I didn’t even have to ask them. As soon as they saw us they were ready for any adventure.
We needed some agile players so we got Taz and Einstein, then we picked up Graycee and Hondo. We got Hattie Mae for inspiration, Lily as our team doctor, Molly the Wally and Lou ee from England where they seem to think they invented the game, Luca from Argentina, Paco from Italy, and finally, for their wisdom and management ability, Tommy Tunes and Hobo Hudson.
It took a lot of code writing but I got us all downloaded to the streets of Brazil. River said we still didn’t have enough players for a full team but I had a plan. We went to the Dogs of Brazil shelter and asked if any dogs wanted to play. A dozen paws went up in the air.
So now we had our team comprised of males and females, Americans, Brazilians, Britons, Italians, and Griffons. We were lucky to not be placed in the Group of Death but Group E along with Switzerland, Honduras and France which was known as the Group of Ambiguous Sexual Identity.
Our first game was against France. Mollie was able to get on top of the ball and ride it all the way into the net in the first five minutes while the French stood around looking for the men they were going to play. Once France figured out that they were playing dogs our staunch defenders from the Dogs of Brazil chased and nipped them all over the field. If a human can bite another human why can’t dogs bite humans? The French retreated and we were victorious.
Most of our Brazil dogs were banned for the second game against Switzerland so we recruited more dogs over the Internet and added them even though it’s against the rules. (Thankfully all dogs look alike to humans.) Our new defenders were not as ferocious as the Dogs of Brazil and we fell behind 3-0. River added a brilliant bit of strategy. She peed on the ball. The Swiss did not want to go near a piss covered ball and we came back with six scores as their goalie kept running away from our shots.
We had qualified for the round of 16 by the time we played Uganda. The grass was very cool, and the sun strong, so we all just laid on the grass and enjoyed the day while the Ugandans scored 23 goals. But it did not matter. We were ready for the next round.
The night before our next match we had a team meeting and decided we all missed our Moms too much so I uploaded everyone back home and let Brazil advance to the Round of 8 as long as they let the Dogs of Brazil play defense for them. They agreed and we were all very happy. (Until the dogs fell asleep against the Germans, but that’s another story.)
Especially the seven other teams who knew we would kick their butts!