Friday, May 15, 2020

Foley Monster Write About the Fraught Relationship Between Dogs and Mail Carriers


We dogs have a difficult relationship with the mail delivery people.  Hating the mailman seems to be inbred in us, but I do not know why.  I went to visit Barney, who grew up running on the wild suburban streets of the Dago’s hometown.  Barney had quite a reputation in that ‘burgh.  He once stole a bag of dog food from a neighbor’s garage and dragged it home.  He would have got away with it if the bags were better made.  A hole in the bottom leaked kibble and led to him being caught brown pawed.  Barney was an intact dog who could smell a lollipop in heat from two towns over and trekked across highways and byways to get some curly action.  He once stood at the front door of a house, in which the owners had no back door access, and when they arrived home, snarled and wouldn’t let them in their house until they let his amore, Rosalita, come out tonight.  The couple went to a neighbor’s house and called the police on the little terror, who then called animal control, who was well aware of Barney’s reputation.  Daddy was called and pulled up to the house in his banana colored ‘73 Monte Carlo.  Barney saw the Dago looked at the people, said “my rides here,” got onto the passenger’s seat of the car, and mooned the people as they sped away.
    I asked Barney why he chased the mailman.  “Because they were always bringing misery to the house,” he explained.  “He never gave anyone anything good, except for maybe at Christmas.  We dogs did our best to keep him, and the sorrow he carried in those bags, from our door.  Besides, he never had anything for me.”
    That was true. The mailman never had anything for us.  Plus, he would not play with us.  He could not be trusted.
    But then, during my lifetime, things began to change for the better.  We started to get mail.  There were Christmas cards addressed to us.  The postman slipped them into our box with a chuckle.  Then came the packages from places called Amazon and Chewy that delivered us food, treats, toys, and games.  Things sure had changed since Barney’s time.
    It used to be that dogs barked at the mailman to chase him off, now it is because we want him to double-check this truck to make sure he didn’t forget anything that was addressed to us.  Unfortunately, our personalities aren’t layered.  A mail carrier can’t tell the difference between us running up to him and barking to chase him off, and us doing the same thing to greet him.  The Lord didn’t give us any tonal bark deviations.  Forget happy or angry, for a dog; sarcasm is just darn impossible.  Everyone takes us too seriously. 
    We dogs are going to have to figure out a way to curb our enthusiasm mail delivery person wise.  We have to remember to approach them with a wagging tail and a kind face.  I am sure if we did that,  we would prove ourselves no threat to them.
    Unfortunately, they still taste so damn good.
    Like everything in the mortal world, it's a struggle.

12 comments:

  1. Good analysis for sure. Our mail is delivered to a "group" box across the street that the mail truck just rolls up to. Once in a great while, the mail person comes to the front door, but we have never met him/her. Now that brown truck is a whole other tale:)

    Woos, Lightning and Timber

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  2. Our mailperson puts our mail in the box down by the road, never leaving his truck. It's just not fair.

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  3. There is a wonderful group on FB, "UPS Dogs". The folks in the brown trucks have a lot of friends out there!

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  4. Thankfully pups don't feel quite the same way about deliveries from Chewy.Com
    Hugs cecilia

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  5. Our mail lady leaves dog biscuits in our mailbox. We bark to alert Mom that our special snack has arrived.

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  6. When we had doggies they loved the mail person, but they loved everyone!

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  7. Check out this funny about dogs and the mail man:

    https://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/takeitfromthetinkersons/s-2358255

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  8. Barney sounds like a character!

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  9. We don't like the mailman much either! But it does give us something to bark at every day!

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  10. WE SHOULD FUCK. Like right now, right here. Hard, fast. Pin me down, kiss me hard, look me in the eyes and fuck me like you’ve never fucked someone before. Click here and Check me out i am getting naked here ;)

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