The Ruby Rose Report October 23, 2022

 

When I go on walks, I am on grass more than a college philosophy student with a shelf full of Ring Dings. It tickles my toes, and now leaves are covering the ground, crunching under my paws, that smell like a Buffalo Bills tailgate party: Autumn, with undertones of pee

    I walked into the front yard, and it was there that I found something that may keep me from going outside ever again.

    Tiny scarecrows had invaded the garden

    They are very frightening creatures with straw legs and arms. They peek from behind the bushes, always watching me. I sniffed them and found they had no common scents, which means they have no souls and are searching for one

    I barked and growled at them, but they were a stoic bunch and did not react. My Dad, who was walking me because Mommy has better sense than to walk around the house like a zombie sensing meat, laughed. The fool! He who laughs at scarecrows wakes up with some straw in their throat and refuses to say how it got there

    I pulled away from them. It is the only time I wish I were a bigger dog. They can drag their parents to safety while I spin my legs like a cartoon character failing to launch

    I went inside to warn my mom, the smart one, about the scarecrows, and when I was done barking, she said I was cute, which is what Mrs. O'Leary told her cow when he tried to warn her about the fire, and the whole damn city burned. My parents should know I am smarter than a cow; no one is allowed to milk me

    A good thing about scarecrows is that they scare off visitors. I don't like people in my house except those who came with it, and I feel the same way about toilets. They are fine, but if you invite more into the home, they start expecting to be treated like water chairs

    I am glad they don't scare the superhero who frequents our parts, Mr. Amazon. His superpower is being able to bring anything you ask for to your house; He might be trying to overcompensate for something since he always delivers things in the biggest possible box, no matter the item's size.

    I heard my parents say the scarecrows would be gone after Halloween when they turned into little children and would leave if the owners bribed them with treats

    I hope they aren't my treats. I have to pee on a small pad to get them, which takes training and concentration much more than hiding in the garden behind a bush.

    I will be happy when they are gone, but I am worried about the next threat. In Florida, they told me of the scary snowmen that come out in cold, wet weather.

I may not come out until April