River's Further Desecration of Foley;s LSVKC Causes Foley to Take Drastic Act

As my blog followers know when I lived on your side of the Bridge I slept in, entertained guests in, swam laps in, and watched movies on my widescreen TV in, my leopard skin vagina kitty condo.  When I crossed over the Bridge I asked my sister Pocket to turn the condo into a museum featuring historical artifacts of my life so friends from around the land could tour it.

When you undertake a venture like opening up a museum public relations is critical.  Any negative publicity could be disastrous.  So, when the soul whose name is going to be above the word museum gets a new sister who takes a leak on the roof of said museum it is reasonable to expect that anticipated traffic there will be lessened once the news goes viral.

Luckily, except for worldwide condemnation of my leaky sister River’s behavior, there was no blowback from the news.   But then River, who, I might add, was an unwed puppy age mother when I gave her a chance as my replacement on my Mom’s lap showed that the future of dogdom is in very poor hands, because she did not  heed my warnings about what I would do to her if she peed on my condo again, she upped her game.

She crapped on the roof of my condo.  My condo!   Where I sleep!  Where my children come and play with their toys!

Something needed to be done.  I visited Pocket in her dreams, told her that I was disappointed in her, and, to make it up to me, and properly punish River, Pocket needed to attack River and send her to my side of the Bridge so she would no longer be able to desecrate my kitty condo.

But should Pocket be absolved of all guilt?   (Being a Yorkie who has passed to the heavens and is still blogging on Earth I do feel a certain right to absolve.)  I say no!  So, to punish Pocket for not protecting the kitty condo, I visited River in her dreams and ordered her to attack Pocket and send her to my side of the Bridge as punishment.

Now don’t worry about your friends.  The two of them could not injure a grasshopper in need of a walker.  But I do take the utmost joy in watching the two of them go at it, snarling, biting, nipping and not inflicting a bit of damage on either one of them (although I do apologize to my Mommy who is left refereeing the battles, but just between us, she should have kept her eye on the condo too.)

This still left me with a security problem at my condo.  I first instructed Mommy to put the condo in her bedroom closet where no dogs are allowed.  Then I hired Max the ever awake security guard.  Here is a picture of Max guarding the entry of my condo.

Now there is a dog I can trust.  No needs, no demands.  If you visit the museum please heed him, he may look harmless, but you don’t want to cross him.

The museum is now open.  Stop by and visit.

Sorry for the smelly roof

The Unspeakable, Unthinkable Act Perpetrated By River Song (By Foley Monster)

You go, you interview dogs, you find the perfect replacement and then she goes and does the big unthinkable, the thing that no dog should do, the thing that could get her banned from doggy cyberspace, ostracized from the dog world at large.

I didn’t think of asking her if she would do such a thing.  Why would you ask such a question?  It’s not something I even considered.  I never heard of a dog doing such a thing.  It was so disrespectful, so rebellious, that I am shocked that it even happened.

So this is what happened.  River had taken a long nap and when she woke up she had the zooms.  You know what the zooms are don’t you?  That’s when a dog zooms around the house bouncing off every piece of furniture they encounter.  I found zooming very unprofessional  but some dogs need to do it.

And then she stopped, and she climbed up on, on it, and when she was on it, she did the thing, she did, the thing I can’t even speak of, it’s just too much.

OK.  I need you, dear reader to prepare yourself.  Assume the crash position.  Imagine the most horrible thing that could happen then prepare to hear worse.  Here it goes:  The thing she did.  Are you ready?

River jumped on, squatted on and peed on (deep breath) my Leopard Skin Vagina Kitty Condo Historical Museum.  She peed on the dog world’s Lincoln Memorial.  She whizzed on the Smithsonian.  She took a leak on the Liberty Bell.  She defiled the most historic site in the dog world.

I was looking in the river that flows under the Bridge where we can see what is happening on your realm and when I saw this I almost jumped in the river, robes and all.  Willie had to stand in front of me and Cassie bite my tail to keep me from breaking a huge Bridge Rule.

I waited until that night and I stormed into River’s dirty little single Mom dreams.  “Hey!” I yelled.  “What’s the big idea urinating on my Leopard Skin Vagina Kitty Condo Museum.  I swear if you got any pee on my Picasso you are going back to turning tricks on a Fort Lauderdale street corner working baby parts or not.

River sat up and looked down on me:  “Well Foley, I am part of a new generation, a generation that no longer reveres the old establishment.  We are new pups who don’t sleep in kitty condos and are going to improve the lives of dogs everywhere through new ideas.”

I shook my head and told her that we will see about that.  So please keep an eye out for the next three River Song blogs:

Hey I got Unexpected Explosive Diarrhea by River Song

Hey I got Pooped On by a Dozen Canadian Geese by River Song.

Hey I Have Figured Things Out, Am Cleaning the Leopard Skin Vagina Kitty Condo Museum And Will Guard It With My Life by River Song.

These young dogs have to learn not to mess with Angels, even the little ones, and to respect the Leopard Skin Vagina Kitty Condo

Foley Monster's new song for her friend Brody and Brody's Mom

*Foley comes out and sits behind a microphone with her guitar*

Hello, thanks for coming to the Foleytini Tiki Bar.  I hope you enjoy the Foleytinis.  This has been a hard week for all of us.  Very sad.  So I decided to write a song that will hopefully make you smile.  Or you might find it offensive.  It is a song about where I sleep during the day, my home.  It looks like this.

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Now, if you are easily offended, or do not like a parody of a Dylan song from the 60's that repeatedly mentions female genitalia this song may not be for you.  So I will give you a chance to pay your bill and go.  Don't forget to tip your waitress.

OK, thank you.  This song is for Brody and his Mom Candice.  I would be honored to sing this at the new baby's christening.  OK, it goes like this.

Well, I see you noticed my brand new leopard-skin vagina condo
Yes, I see you noticed my brand new leopard-skin vagina  condo
Well, let me tell you baby
How sleeping  feels under somethin’ like that
Under my brand new leopard-skin vagina condo

Well, I look so pretty in it
Honey, you can join me anytime
You can come and look around
See that it's that expensive kind
You know you can lay across it
Your Mama's mattress ain't as soft
Let’s bring it up to your Daddy’s loft
My brand new leopard-skin vagina condo

Well, if you wanna see the sun rise
You need to put it on the other side of the chair
If you want to see the sunset
Mommy's got to put the vagina on the rocking chair
Me with my harness
Wrapped around my waist
And you with your new pink coller
Sitting in my brand new leopard-skin vagina condo

Well, I asked Brody’s Mom if he could see it
It’s bad for his health, she said
Yes, I disobeyed her orders
I invited him to see it
But she showed up instead
You know, I don’t mind her coming to my house
But I don’t like her taking up all my bed
Inside my brand new leopard-skin vagina condo

Well, I hear Brody wants to be my boyfriend
You know, I never smelt him before
Well, I saw him
On the Internet
He forgot to turn on the fire wall
You might think he loves me for my tail
But I know what he really loves me for
It’s my brand new leopard-skin vagina condo