Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The Unspeakable, Unthinkable Act Perpetrated By River Song (By Foley Monster)

You go, you interview dogs, you find the perfect replacement and then she goes and does the big unthinkable, the thing that no dog should do, the thing that could get her banned from doggy cyberspace, ostracized from the dog world at large.

I didn’t think of asking her if she would do such a thing.  Why would you ask such a question?  It’s not something I even considered.  I never heard of a dog doing such a thing.  It was so disrespectful, so rebellious, that I am shocked that it even happened.

So this is what happened.  River had taken a long nap and when she woke up she had the zooms.  You know what the zooms are don’t you?  That’s when a dog zooms around the house bouncing off every piece of furniture they encounter.  I found zooming very unprofessional  but some dogs need to do it.

And then she stopped, and she climbed up on, on it, and when she was on it, she did the thing, she did, the thing I can’t even speak of, it’s just too much.

OK.  I need you, dear reader to prepare yourself.  Assume the crash position.  Imagine the most horrible thing that could happen then prepare to hear worse.  Here it goes:  The thing she did.  Are you ready?

River jumped on, squatted on and peed on (deep breath) my Leopard Skin Vagina Kitty Condo Historical Museum.  She peed on the dog world’s Lincoln Memorial.  She whizzed on the Smithsonian.  She took a leak on the Liberty Bell.  She defiled the most historic site in the dog world.

I was looking in the river that flows under the Bridge where we can see what is happening on your realm and when I saw this I almost jumped in the river, robes and all.  Willie had to stand in front of me and Cassie bite my tail to keep me from breaking a huge Bridge Rule.

I waited until that night and I stormed into River’s dirty little single Mom dreams.  “Hey!” I yelled.  “What’s the big idea urinating on my Leopard Skin Vagina Kitty Condo Museum.  I swear if you got any pee on my Picasso you are going back to turning tricks on a Fort Lauderdale street corner working baby parts or not.

River sat up and looked down on me:  “Well Foley, I am part of a new generation, a generation that no longer reveres the old establishment.  We are new pups who don’t sleep in kitty condos and are going to improve the lives of dogs everywhere through new ideas.”

I shook my head and told her that we will see about that.  So please keep an eye out for the next three River Song blogs:

Hey I got Unexpected Explosive Diarrhea by River Song

Hey I got Pooped On by a Dozen Canadian Geese by River Song.

Hey I Have Figured Things Out, Am Cleaning the Leopard Skin Vagina Kitty Condo Museum And Will Guard It With My Life by River Song.

These young dogs have to learn not to mess with Angels, even the little ones, and to respect the Leopard Skin Vagina Kitty Condo


  1. Not cool at all.
    Best wishes Molly

  2. She will abide. I just know she will Foley!

  3. OOOHHHHH....Hah......Guess YOU showed HER! Now me's waiting fur anudder post....HEY, DA MOMMA HUNGED ME FROM DA CEILING FAN BY ME TAIL By RiverSong!


  4. We are shocked. SHOCKED!!! and quite amused.


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